Bitchslapped...er Suckerpunched

Image by dawkeye via FlickrI cannot go into details... mainly because I am not going to cry and die here because it's one sided.

But ya know, it is MY blog, and I do come here to bitch, so I'll give ya enough to get the gist of the situation...

Second reason for the lack of details; I'm not putting the negative out into the Universe right now, cause I've got enough and I don't want any more of it rebounding...

See the picture? Pretend it's the guy thwackin' the girl... in actuality, it felt way more like a sucker punch.

Ok, so long and short of it, mainly short... Tx-ex, despite knowing my precarious financial situation, chose to bitchslap me in the wallet... and the face.
 

Yes, chose.

And the true kicker for me was that he told me that he had no choice, because we had agreed long ago to not go this route.

And I believed him... that was the sucker punch part.

I believed him partly because I just don't play dirty, so my mind doesn't work like that; and partly because it turns my stomach to think that I gave 5 years of my life and had an amazing child with someone who is that heartless and greedy.

Yeah, I said it. Greedy. Chew on that one as you read it, his allies, you know who you are. And as much as you want to defend him; I promise you my viewpoint is well earned. So tell ya what, in 5 years come back and talk to me about whether or not I'm accurate.

Enough of the stand and defend; God knows what He knows and He will handle this.

I have my responsibility to handle and I will. It just means a total life shift including dropping school and losing what little time I have to spend with my son, but hey, that's just how it looks right now.

I'm human and my view is limited to these options. God's view is Universal and is not bound by such things.

Anyway, this will not dim my glow. This will NOT end me. God has brought me this far and I am walking in faith here.

And I have amazing friends who have held me up when my knees went out from under me this morning. Thank you all... you're incredible and I love you.

God knows what I need, and He will send it... hopefully on swift wings; but whenever it comes, it will be at the right time.

Have a great day y'all... whenever you read this.

Until next time... blessings!

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Excuse Me Father, Have You Seen My Habit

Image by SEOULMAN66 via FlickrWell, I've been living something of a monastic lifestyle these past weeks.

I quit smoking... yes again... and by the Grace of God for the last damn time.

I gave up soft drinks and mix-sweet drinks for bottled water.

I eat quite sparingly and started exercising; at this rate I'll be bikini ready by labor day... ok, for reals, Halloween.

And last night my job was so So SO frustrating to me that I all but flipped the bird at the camera and walked out... which, of course, I didn't do because I enjoy the finer things in life... like a roof over my head and the ability to wash clothes with soap.

But I came home in this funk... this kinda pissy, quick-witted, snapperish, funk.

So when I woke up with it as well... exacerbated by a phone call from child support trying to get more money that I don't have and don't know how to make... yeah, it was time to get off my dead ass and go back to church... for like the third or fourth time this week.

Cause this week's been pretty sucky... emotionally, mentally, psychically, situationally...

And I started back to school yesterday. After a huge long leave of absence that I took when the computer died.

So when I was in church this morning and God told me not to get on facebook or yahoo chat today, in fact not speak to or text anyone other than my one friend who is going through it due to a death in the family, I of course said  OUCH  Yessir. I knew it was a sacrifice of one day that I had to give God.

So I'm sitting in quiet meditation and cooking quasi-real food for the first time in weeks and this post and my school website are the only places I've actively gone to on the web (yahoo homepage doesn't count!).

And I know that this break from the world will help me... recharge my batteries, reset my priorities, clean my spirit, and increase my glow.

And just like quitting smoking, I'm in full blown day one withdrawals. *eyetwitch* I'm ITCHING to goto chat! I remembered three songs I wanted to look up on YouTube,*eyetwitch*  I know certain friends have posted on facebook and I'm fidgeting with anticipation, and to top it off, I promised someone last night that I would call today.*eyetwitch*

But all these things will be there tomorrow... or they will not. And either way, I promised God and He will work it out for my benefit. I simply have to get through the DT's. *eyetwitch*

I'm going to go lie down for a few before I come back to my schoolwork...

OMFG, I can't even go on facebook to make sure that networked blogs picks this up and posts it!

*groankillmenowgroan*

God owes me... this is worse than quittin' cigs....

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Impasse

Image by Guerito via FlickrI found myself in a precarious position this morning.

Then my angels showed me a vision, and I knew I was at an impasse.

I could either take the path to my right, which appeared clean and neat and pulled together. The concrete was solid, the path was lined with shiny store-bought things. It was easily traveled, and appeared to be a safe, well cared for route.

Then there was the path to my left which looked untended. The grey cobblestones missing in places, and the vines and trees grown wild and unruly on the sides. I knew if I took this path, I'd have to watch and take each step carefully. Not many had traveled here because of the way it seemed to be; forgotten and unkempt. And in the situation of it, this path seemed cold and unwelcoming.

Instinctively, I knew that the path to the right, although it appeared easier... led to a dead end.

Whereas, the path to the left would lead to the castle... the dream of the desired outcome.

And I chose the left path.

And in so doing, the path reached up to greet me and make my way easier than it had appeared.

I knew without doubt or fail that the path on the right would have been a struggle and a fight no matter how easy it appeared. I had actually been on that path in my long ago past and was grateful to not have to repeat that journey.

I am happy, and once again sure of my direction.  The path is actually quite easy despite looking difficult, because it is the correct one. And instinctively, I knew I wanted the overgrown path no matter what it seemed like.

This all happened in the span of a moment.

In retrospect it was the road less traveled, the one that will bring the true reward. In retrospect, it was a choice that only wisdom would bring me to.... and I am grateful.

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Serial Teddy Holder

So I was over on facebook *shocker* when I saw this pic from All Posters and it got me to thinking.

First of all, everyone needs someone to hold onto even if it is only once in a while.

Secondly, as adults, we tend to eschew teddy bears for the live version and call them boyfriends or girlfriends or spouses or kids.

But when do you become a serial-holder?  A so-called teddy junkie.

I guess it's when you bounce from one teddy to the next without taking time to hug yourself.

But how many people out there take the time to hug themselves? Most that I've known, including myself, have gone from one teddy to the next; sometimes quite rapidly...


So I wonder if any of us are capable of laying down our teddies.

When I fought with my ex-husband I had girlfriends I could hold on to. When I got single, I found another man to hold on to. When neither man nor friends were available I have held onto God.

I'm starting to think we all hold something; people, hobbies, money, habits, an online existence... something that, if lost, would make it difficult for us to cope with having to live our lives.

Even when it hasn't appeared so, there is something in the situation that will qualify it as a quick bounce. A person quits living with one person and moves in with another is an obvious one. Someone quits smoking only to start exercising compulsively is considered a healthy one. Someone swears off television but starts spending hours on the computer playing online games. One teddy substituting for another teddy.

I don't know of anyone who doesn't fit this pattern of holding and substitution. Some are less obvious, but are teddies nonetheless. Breakup of a marriage and a guy restores a vintage vehicle while the woman takes up running. Teddy substitutes for the spouse they no longer have.

So, is the human race simply a collection of serial teddy holders?

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Electronic Conspiracy (yes I am loosing my mind, thank you so very much for asking)

Image by ComputerMonger via Flickr
I've been away a long time. Turns out Best Buy finally confirmed what I had long suspected... my shiny, honey colored, beautiful, beloved computer... my Juliet... was a lemon.

Thanks to Tex-ex's neurotic need to have the most Gucci of service warranties on all electronics purchases, I now have a new computer.

I'm grateful.

At least that's what I'm telling myself everytime I want to pitch this *tantrum voice* You-are-not-Juliet! computer into a wall.

Like when I goto log onto firefox, and the background is black with black font and I can't do a fucking thing. Or when I pull up the right click menu in firefox and that is white background on white font and the only thing I can do is shut it down and I have to open the windows task manager to do that cause I cannot find where to confirm the close cause the font is the same color as the background in the confirmation box that pops up....

Mind you this is after it works fine all night and I turn off the computer and come back in the morning to what is essentially a dead program since I cannot read anything on the screen.

Are ya gettin the visual of me loosin my everloving mind? As I uninstall firefox, clear the cache and SSL slate and start over with an entirely new install of firefox... replete with the xmarks and last pass add ons because I have years of saved shit on there that I cannot get into without these programs.

Yeah, you got it.... Fucking nightmare... over and over and over and over for two weeks plus.

But I'm not bitter. Noooooo blatant sarcasm. I just miss my gorgeous little dysfunctional lemon Juliet.

I miss her. With all her eccentricities and delicate constitution, I knew how to work her. I understood her programs. I knew what files were where, and most of all, I was fully cognizant and willing to work around her problems... cause I loved her.


I brought her in to be fixed, and essentially gave Best Buy the license to perform euthanasia.

And because electronics have a hidden message system whereby they talk to each other and exact revenge upon a person for mistreatment of one electronic device by the refusal to work by another electronic device, I have been targeted as enemy numero uno.

How shall I put it? The dryers at the laundromat have gone renegade and have all turned against me. And all is not a euphemism. Every single dryer I put my clothes into stops working.

I even fought with the manager the other morning, which really isn't my style anymore, but I kinda snapped because for the third visit in a row, the dryers have sucked up my quarters like starving Lestat on a morally corrupt person and spit me out much time and money poorer.

$5, in 5 dryers on three separate visits.

I was round the bloody bend.

And we all know shit rolls downhill, so I went rounds with the manager. Who finally, albeit reluctantly, reimbursed me for SEVENTY FIVE CENTS (not $5!) and made sure the dryer was working. Then he left and went back to the quickie mart next door.

25 minutes later while the dryer is still spinning, I check on it and IT'S COLD and *Gomer Pyle voice* suuu-prihze suuu-prihze suuu-prihze... not drying.

Shocker. Except to me. I told you these fucking dryers are conspiring and have decided that I am not worthy of heat or dry clothes or whatever, because I put Juliet to death. What I knew was; I was not about to pay to go home with wet clothes.. again.

So I went and got mister manager for the second time that hour, who now with a magnanimous change of heart *coughbitemejackwagoncough* because that dryer was not hot; the dryer that HE set and HE turned on and HE verified 25 minutes earlier as working after he put SEVENTY FIVE CENTS (not $5!) into the cursed, wretched, beast; so he chose another dryer for me, we swapped the clothes over and he fed the ravenous metal beast another three quarters.

Duh. I just enjoy arguing with people so veryveryvery much that I felt the urge to fabricate the quarter eating story about his precious dryers.

In my less enlightened state I mighta winged the roll of quarters at his head when he turned to walk away... Allegedly.

But I don't have time for jail or court, because, as it stands, I still need to find a copy of microsoft office 2007 or higher to install on my *tantrum voice* You-are-not-Juliet! computer so I can start back to school on the 25th. And I don't know what happened to my zemanta add on for this blog either, nor can I seem to find it. (ok, just found THAT one missing piece outta 1000!)

My sister would call it transition.

I call it a pain in the ass that I still have the presence of mind to be grateful for.

*screws on my Barbie smile and looks at Ken for confirmation*

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Getting Off the Roller Coaster

Image via Wikipedia*sigh*

I was tired of the roller coaster... and the whirlwind surrounding it.

I mean really? Have you ever been up at the top of one of those rides in high winds? How about going through one of those monster loops? Even roller coaster enthusiasts will admit that shit's scary.

It's also a little infuriating. To think that God has sent your One and you realize that your evolved, peace-loving life has just hooked up with someone who wants to fight the world, and most people in it... up to and including you.

There's only so long you can live like Cleopatra in that situation... eventually, you have to get off denial... so I broke it off.

But then he fought for me!

Which any romantic comedy movie buff will tell you, is an incredible ego rush and ooohhhey-gooey goes the heart strings and ya fold like cheap lawn furniture.

Yeah, what they don't show you after the first make-up kiss is that the problems that lead to the breakup in the first place still exist. Not only that, since you've been 'won back', you are basically saying that you accept those problems and can deal with them because you have returned.

But I couldn't.

I'm too far gone in my walk to stop and fight with, or even say, "Hi" to everyone I come across. I no longer seek personal retaliation for the slights shown me. I simply pray for them and let the Universe handle them as I move on down the line.

It's a much happier way to live... I know... I used to box everyone. I wore my anger and discontent like an oozing second skin. And when I was released from that personal hell, I swore never to return, and by the Grace of God, I have not.

Not personally, that is.

But it's just as hard for an empath to watch someone they love behave like a Viking in front of them daily. It's kinda like watching an exercise video and feeling the burn while you're sitting on the couch... Again, sounds great in theory, but not so much in the actual.

At first I thought I had found my champion, just like Liz Gilbert... over time, it wore me out. He kept seeing attacks where I saw none, and his foul moods lead to my falling into the holes of his funks.

It's kinda hard to cuddle with someone who always has their swords drawn.

After a brief reconciliation, I broke it off yesterday. I had to. I saw where it was headed... and I'm ugly as hell when I'm miserable... but see, I wasn't all the way there to miserable just yet.

So the breakup sucks as much for me as it does for him... even though I instigated it, even though I know it's for the best, even though my angels were screaming in my ears so loudly I could not buck them anymore.

It still hurts. I still feel dizzy, and queasy, and wobble-legged like I wanna reach out and take his hand to help steady me. But I can't; I won't. Doing so would only cruelly prolong the inevitable.

At least I've learned that much. Painful lesson that it is.

*sigh*

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Getting My Ghetto Drunk On

Image by Jeff Kubina via FlickrOMG I so needed to get drunk last night.

I don't drink anymore... as a pretty general and airtight rule... but I was due.

Oh so due.

Could I afford a case of Michelob?

No.

A 12-pack of Bud Light?

Not quite.

A six-pack of Mickey's Big Mouths, for fuck's sake?

Guess again, chief.

I know I have enough left for something alcoholic, but what?  So I go into the quickie-mart next to the laundromat determined to scope out my possibilities. It was hot as fuck and I wasn't buyin anything till the laundry was done, and I could take it straight home and get as plastered as I was capable of getting.

I happen to have a friend that's a chef, so I texted him after narrowing it down to two choices and asked him:

Magnum or Old English?

I know they're both swill, but I was down to $2.25 in laundry quarters and I wanted the most bang for my buck.

Hey, if you hear a noise in your car and you happen to be friends with a mechanic,  you pull into his or her driveway while he or she is outside... hoping the mechanic in them will take pity on the friend you are and tell ya to pop the hood.

So when ya gotta pick one ghetto 40 over another and ya don't have money to waste getting your buzz, ya tap into your vast array of lushes or chef friends and ask the question.

Old English won.

It really wasn't as bad as I expected.

As I sucked down three ice-cold coffee mugs *bowls* in very rapid succession...

I'm too white to drink it straight outta the bottle without a friend to pass it to on the porch, ya know?

Note to fellow non-drinkers in need of a little lush time; keeping the 40 in the freezer between glasses both keeps it deliciously cold, and also allows you to gauge your drunkeness as you go back for refills. If you ever go back for a refill and the beer is frozen or you can't find the kitchen, it's time to stop.


Yeap, got schnnockered in no time.

Even passed out and got a full night of much needed sleep.

Best $2.04 I ever spent.

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I Blame the Garden Gnomes

Image via WikipediaI think garden gnomes are beating me up in my sleep.

Nothing else makes sense.

How in the hell did I bruise my foot while I attained my less than 4 hours of sleep last night? It's on the side of the heel back behind the instep, below the ankle.

Whaaaat thaaaa....???

I don't have a bed, so I didn't slam it on a bedpost. I don't sleep next to the wall, so I probably couldn't have done it that way... besides, I think that would have hurt enough to wake me up.

But garden gnomes... yeah, those little bastards are crafty and malicious enough to do something like this.

They know how to be silent and stealthy.

And, they are always posed holding something that looks like it can take out your knees in one blow.


They can return to their daytime poses deftly with hardly a thought; no human the wiser.

But I know.

Truth is, those crafty little buggers are jealous of our height and just itching with their wrinkled-faced-odd-nosed selves to get even.

They're responsible for all manner of quirky unknowns in the human world:


How come only one sock of the pair came out of the dryer?

Garden gnomes.

Where'd that pen go? It was just here!

Garden gnomes.

How the hell did my cell phone bill get so high? I live alone, don't have teen-agers, and really don't remember calling Germany at 3am on what appears to be a Tuesday...

Garden gnomes.

The unexplainable bruise on the weird spot on my heel that seems very unnaturally attainable because of it's odd location...

Garden gnomes.


They're the cosa nostra of weird WTF's. It's a complete network that spans the globe... except for Japan, I don't think they've infiltrated Japan yet because of the Yakuza.

And don't be fooled into thinking you own a garden gnome (or 6). No, you harbor them, and deserve jail time under the RICO law guidelines.

Behind those wry little smiles and sometimes scary European countenances, they're conspiring their next plot and laughing at you. Those wee, glassy-eyed fugitives from accountability.

One day it will happen to you.

So mark my words: Garden gnomes.

Because once you become the victim of their shenanigans, you will remember reading this and I won't seem quite so crazy.

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Damn

Image via WikipediaUggg.

This week I am once again training in receiving at work.

I like this department even though receiving is early morning shift.

There's a fair bit of freedom that I enjoyed when I originally trained for it a while back... before they sold the store and learning the old system made no sense anymore.

Small problem... I've been on swings for so long now, that I cannot fall asleep.

I have lain in the not really a bed for two hours... unexpected texts and phone calls not withstanding.

I have tried to meditate, done reiki and gotten as comfortable as the floor can be comfortable...

I even got up early this morning despite going to bed very late last night in anticipation of needing to be asleep early tonight.

I haven't had caffeine since noonish.

Nothing is working.

I'm awake.

Like bing-bing-bing friggin Ricochet Rabbit awake.

I have to learn how to input UPC codes and scan incoming inventory from multiple vendors among other things for 8 hours not including lunch break... and then I have to do laundry at the laundromat and read at least two chapters for school tomorrow night...

And no, can't do it tonight cause the laundromat is closed and the words of my psych chapters are all just swimming on the page... see, I tried.

Coffee is going to have it's work cut out for it in the morning. I'm gonna be so bleary-eyed I'll be lucky to not miss the toilet.

Coffee's gonna have to get me through the first five hours before I can come home and drink more to get me through the rest.

Thank God it adds IQ points, because with the amount I'll lose in the sleep deprivation, I might, MIGHT, break even... maybe.

Then again, maybe with enough coffee, I'll have a surplus of IQ points...

I'll just have to prove my brilliance from the bathroom.

Guess that beats falling asleep on the loaves of pillowy looking bread when that's delivered.

And to top it off, receiving is going to be HOT (which will make me more sleepy), cause South Texas has been so hot, the native Texans are commenting... and that's just one of the joys of living in this muggy hell-hole... along with bugs the size of Cadillacs.

I think maybe it's just possible I'm getting a little sleep-deprived bitchy.

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Sometimes You Have to Duke it Out With Yourself

Image by nogoodreason via FlickrOh the conflict raging through my head this morning.

Thought it was absolutely going to break me.

The mud... the dank foul mud of my mind... both sides of my wants and needs sparring it out with nuclear warheads of rationality and emotion.

Couldn't seem to find clarity to save myself.

Tears...pain...prayers...and more cigarettes than one person should consume in a week, let alone a morning...

I called in for outside refereeing and got only the help of verbalizing what was tangled up in my skull... the logical aspects of the situation with which I was wrestling, and the emotional doubts and fears that were being hurled back and forth.

And then my ref's cell service broke up.

Cause sometimes God wants it that way... so the decision is your own and not a byproduct of suggestion by another.

A few hours later, in one deft strike of unequivocal clarity... it was over.

I am once again sure of my path.

I was on it all along, I just needed to be reminded why it was the right one.

Cause that 'grass is always greener' stuff is some tricky optical illusion shit.

And to quote a very wise woman: "Sometimes the potholes look like sinkholes, but they really aren't unless you make them so."

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My Version of Braveheart

Image via WikipediaMiracles never cease.

I left the California-ex (Josie's dad) over five years ago.

Shortly thereafter, I met Tex-ex, moved to Texas and found out I was pregnant with our son.

All these many years later, I decided back in February that I was going to get my divorce finalized this summer come hell or high water.

Last night, out of the blue, Cali-ex calls me up and wants to finalize the divorce.

I'm so happy I can't stop smiling, bouncing around... loving the life God has bestowed upon me...

In just a little bit of awe and amazement.

I stand tall, face painted and shout a-la William Wallace:

FRREEEEEEEEEDDOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM!!!

Finally... graced with this ending and the new beginnings it signifies.

And then God did something else... He picked me up again.

For those brief moments, sitting in His hand once again... I saw and understood it all one more time.

A reminder of when I sat in His hand while I was begging Him to let me leave Cali-ex.

An affirmation that I am in His grace always, and a reminder of why I was shown in the first place...

Thing about sitting in God's hand; you understand everything.... everything about how the world works and the why... from personal and global relationships to how photosynthesis works. And then He puts you down, and you promptly forget, because such understanding is reserved for God alone; but the experience changes you forever.

And last night, God gave me a much shorter sit... a reminder of that, a confirmation of my path, my purpose, my direction.

Amen and Hallelujah... and Freedom.

...and the happy dance!

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Scheduling

Image via WikipediaSometimes, it simply comes down to a matter of scheduling.

In case you're new, scheduling is not in any way shape or form my forte' and can only be done with mediocre aptitude under penalty of death or exorbitant payout my strong point.

If I look at the entire work schedule for all the employees at my job for a week, my head swims.

And it's put together by a guy who manages to stay under payroll budget while being fair about hours to 24 people and honoring requests for days off Every Week... and the job of scheduling is basically a footnote in his job description.

I have trouble managing to complete a total of 2 checkpoints, 4 discussion questions, and 8 replies to classmates over the course of a 7 day week.

Not because the work is difficult...because I suck that much at scheduling.

Add in daily existence needs like showering, feeding myself, doing housework and going to the laundromat every two days for clean work clothes... or the want-to's like making time for my kids, or my boyfriend, or anyone that is not a customer in my work life, and I'm pretty much a scheduling time bomb with a lit fuse.

Something is going to be forgotten or suffer the consequences of my ineptitude.

People that manage to create a schedule and stick to it with any regularity amaze and astound me... like an exhibit at the zoo or a P.T. Barnum spectacle-spectacular.

I mean, I can do it too, but only, maybe, kinda-sorta, once a week... possibly... probably closer to never once a month.

I don't even own a calendar except for the one that's built into my cellphone.

Oh wait, my computer has one too, I just never remember to look at it.

If it weren't for work, birthdays, and holidays, I'd have no idea what day it was... ever. It's not like I watch TV other than a movie here and there anymore.

No more Matt, Meredith, Ann, and Al informing me of the day and date.

Glee is available for internet viewing when I need a gleek junkie fix to catch up because I cannot manage to even catch the show on television even when I'm not working...

The only problem with viewing back episodes, or anything that does not consist of going to work in order to make money and pay bills, is finding the time... cause I have none... because I can't schedule worth a damn.

Are ya seein' the pattern here?


Maybe I should take a workshop another in a long list of many, many attempts at getting a handle on this crippling defect in my personality on time management.

I'll put it on the non-existent schedule.

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Because Sometimes Life Comes Too Fast to Blog It All

Image by notsogoodphotography via FlickrThis post is such a random summary of what's up lately, that I figured a completely non-specific pic would be apropos.

OK, so to update y'all, the letter to the roomie was a resounding success. We patched things up that afternoon. But I'm still moving out today.

I found one apartment that would make a ghetto look like shangri-la. Seriously. There were bugs in the bathroom, the window unit was so poorly done that I could see the outside around it, and I was going to get charged an extra $10 a month because it had a refrigerator.

Yeah, WTF?

It was so depressing I almost went emo.

Instead I contacted a friend from church about a place he had mentioned, and I will look at it today. I'm very hopeful because it sounds nice. And I'm incredibly grateful because my aunt has sent some funds to help ensure I get it in a timely manner.

I also have gone through some incredible relationship changes in the last weeks.

I have weeded out all that was not working for me and was left with a friend I consider the brother I never had, and a new boyfriend who is awesome.

Managed to finally find one that is legally and emotionally available, I don't have to censor myself in front of, and who calms me... did I mention that he's crazy about me and doesn't play games about it? It's pretty fucking amazing.

And the brother-friend and the boyfriend talked yesterday while I was at work and they want to light the roomie on fire for bootin' me out for his girlfriend.

Which made my day... even if I'd never let em do it.

Been also having some incredible spiritual breakthroughs and I'm sure they will only progress as I settle in to my own place. Having my own home tends to have profound effects on me.

And school resumes on the 25th. Which I'm looking forward to, but mostly because I'm ready to be done with my AA in a field that I wouldn't detest doing for more than 30 seconds.

Well I have to go, I'm moving, looking at apartments, and doing a large number of run-around things while watching my son today.

Blessings to all... and hey, maybe the next post will actually have a point, or a plot, or something more interesting to say than just a rundown of what's up at the moment.

Here's hopin'!

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Dear Roomie

Image by ZedZaP (great to be back ) via FlickrWell readers, I have to move again. I don't have a set place yet, but one is coming, of that I am certain.

My time here has set and a new day is dawning... yet again.


I'm about two weeks from having funds to get settled. That doesn't worry me as much as the way my awesome roomie has decided to behave over the last 10 days. I am leaving him this letter in response to a post-it that he left me this morning telling me to be out on Friday 5/15/11. He meant 4/15/11, I had no need to check the calendar.

Dear W~

I do not know what I have done to deserve your hostility. I guess it's because that is the only way you have ever had anyone leave your home. But you have no need of it with me. Rest assured, I will leave as I came: Grateful-for your kindness, generosity, and hospitality; and Hopeful- that I have not been too much of a burden. Everything that I have brought into the house to replace what I have used is yours to keep.

I only pray for your happiness, and if that is being with S, then I pray that God gives you both many years of love and joyousness together.

As far as details of the move; I only have off Monday 4/11 and Friday 4/15. I will do my best to remove my items during the week, but may have to leave some items until Friday. I hope that is alright; but I will be vacated by Friday afternoon at the latest. If you are not here, I will leave the key on the breakfast bar and lock up when I go.

Thank you again~
Aria

Pray for me readers... I'll write as I can until I'm re-settled.  Blessings!

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Not Failing to Communicate in Education

Image via WikipediaSo, thanks to my wonderful friend Joan at The Retirement Chronicles, I have an appointment with my academic advisor this morning to discuss changing my major.

Joan made a comment on the last post and suggested journalism...

I was like *heel of hand pop to the forehead* I Shoulda Had a V-8!!!

I guess at the time, Health Care Administration seemed like a great fit. I grew up with two excellent nurses, so we had a medical encyclopedia in the house, and medical terminology was commonplace; not to mention that we would watch those graphic 70's PBS specials where they did eye surgery on film.

I hated those things, and yet they entranced me... kind of like car wrecks on the freeway.

So, I knew nursing was never an option, but the paperwork side of it, yeah! I mean, if I'm trained on how to handle certain paperwork, I'm a friggin savant at it.

Hence, the bookkeeper position at work.... but I digress...

Therefore, the admin side of health care seemed to fit; take a lifetime's worth of informal training and match it with something you're naturally good at... No Brainer!

And that's why no brainers can be a bad idea.

Well, now that my brain has engaged, it's time for a change.

And writing just makes me happy... I guess that's why I like texting and emailing as opposed to talking.

So my advisor has turned me on to communications.

Which sounds like it will right up my alley.

Hopefully.

I know it can't be worse than insurance forms.

It may even give me an excuse to be online every waking moment that I'm not at work.

Which totally works for me.

So we'll see how this goes... and I'll keep y'all posted, because I'm a natural born communicator.

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A Crisis of Education

Image by pirate johnny via FlickrWhen I started school, I loved it.

What's not to love?

I was living in tight quarters with a man I was constantly at war with, a child who was completely out of control because he's psychic as hell and was living in a war zone, no job, no friends, and a desperate need to not put a gun in my mouth.

School seemed like a productive escape from all of it, with the possibility at the end to rise above where I had been in my professional life.

And I was good at it...

Well, as good as a person in extreme stress can be when they add more stress to their life...

But I racked-up a GPA of 9.96 without really trying.

I managed to get the assignments in on time and just write in my normal fashion for the rest of it. Although, I'd start my 100 point, 1500 word, Sunday assignments on Sunday morning with my coffee and stress everyone else out because I waited till the last moment (what can I say, not my finest set of hours).

A's... even in Critical Thinking... and I was calling my academic advisor scared that I was tanking the class (to which she laughed, and asked if I currently had a B).

I made plans and set goals to have my Master's by the time I turned 45 and be a hospital administrator until I retired.

Then my life blew up, and somehow, by the Grace of God, I passed Pathology without a final. Then the next round of classes came up and... I got through them, but not well.

I was living in my car without electricity and working around the library's schedule for internet access. It was something to maintain my focus, and again, keep me from going completely kazoo. It gave me an obligation, and I needed it, so I muddled through.

I absolutely detested my Management of Information Systems class.  The reading would put an insomniac to sleep in 12.2 seconds, and I don't care the least little bit about the intricacies of IT an how it relates to a business structure. I passed (surprising me fully with a C-) but by now my GPA was down to 3.39.

Then I started this block. And I decided that GPA didn't matter, I wasn't going to stress myself out anymore about school and rocking awesome grades like my sister who is milliseconds away from obtaining her bachelors degree with a sterling GPA and recognition from the college and it's faculty members alike.

I just wanted to get through it... get my AA and see where I stood from there.

But I don't have a miserable life anymore. I have a nice place to live, a job I enjoy, friends to visit, the possibility of love out there somewhere, a son that's become even more incredible and amazing and a real pleasure to be around since he's not living in a war zone, a daughter who is a few months from 13 and needs more time input from her Mom, and Joy, and God, and a healthy relationship with myself.

And my classes are Algebra and Insurance Claims Forms Billing I.

Algebra, no problem, I can breeze through that if I want to... problem is, I haven't wanted to.

And Insurance Claims...? That personifies what I find wrong with most of the medical profession in a big fat billion-dollar nutshell. And it's easy, but I hate it for it's implications on the world that this American lives in.

So I completely rocked week one, and have been checking in ever since, only making the attendance requirement. Still enrolled, but not actively participating.

Or giving a damn, for that matter.

And I woke up this morning because this was the planned day to get my scholastic self together and get back to it; to somehow salvage this week of grades, and do enough to pass the classes and move on.

Except, I realized something: the only thing left in my life that was really making me miserable was school.


The only class that I actually enjoyed, the entire time I've been doing this...even when I was getting straight A's, was World Religions.

I don't enjoy school, and what's more, I hate Healthcare. It's a mess of bureaucratic bullshit that has the temerity to call itself helping people, when what it really does is give the barest essentials of help to real people, for a staggering amount of money that winds up breaking the financial lives of anyone that truly needs help.

Don't get me wrong, some of the doctors and nurses are still good people with a real desire to help others.

But, most of the tech's in the offices just wanted to stop working as cashiers and make more than minimum wage, and only focus on showing up, to make their paychecks, not on the patients as people.

And, the system of it, is a greedy corporate machine and it makes me want to spew obscenities and hurl things with great force.

I have no desire or passion to be in that. Unlike my multi-degree'd sister, who feels like she finally found her calling, and her degrees are a means to an end of doing exactly what she loves doing.

Conversely, the more I learn about the intricacies of medicine and health care, the more infuriated I become at the system.

And I know the saying about keeping your enemies close, but it's just not working for me.

So I'm having a crisis of education. And I'm in turmoil about it. And I just want it to be over, but I'm not sure I have the will to plow through to the end.

Prayers are appreciated... Pray that I get this crisis of education figured out before it breaks me. Because it is either going to break me financially, mentally, or in the area of self-esteem depending on whether I stay or go.

And right now, I'm so on-the-fence, that my butt hurts.

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Out of Control and Back Again

Image by JDB Photos via FlickrI know there was a planetary thing going on. Was it all due to Super Moon? I have no idea.

Whatever it was, I could feel it.

I was off the chain, and so were a lot of people I know.

That which was buried deep within us, was rearing it's heads, fully, wholly, and uncontrollably.

Some were angry and frustrated with the world to new heights, some were depressed to new depths of low. Some took areas of interest and ran unchecked head-long into them. Some were unable to control their libidos...

It was a virtual frenzy of internal shit-storm that rose to the surface and swam over our lives; our own crashing into that of those around us and causing a swell that wiped us all out in one fashion or another.

Then last night, it was over.  With the flick of some cosmic switch.

And we're all left cleaning up the disaster areas that our thoughts, words, and actions have spawned.

Consequences to be faced in the light of renewed control.

Personally, I can look at my frenzy and accept that those things sprang to the surface from somewhere buried so deeply within myself that I was unaware that they existed.

A purge of sorts... of the heart and soul and spirit... and not a pretty one.

Leaving me today to deal with what I have wrought with some embarrassment and regret. Regret not for my actions or words, because I was helpless to do or say or be otherwise.

The regret is for the effects I have had on others during that state, and the  inevitable changes to dealing with those effects with the return to normalcy.

So I go through, apologetically, cutting ties and making amends and trying to put the pieces back together in a healthy and productive manner.

However unsure I may be as to the long term outcomes and what I must face about myself; my  own wants, needs, desires, and head-space.

The key for me is forgiveness of self. Acceptance of that which bubbled forth from my depths, and contemplation of how those things fit into the visions I have for my existence; and how to go forward with this new-found knowledge of myself...

As uncomfortably revealing as it may be.

Sometimes, I guess, the only way to grow as a person is to surprise yourself to a level bordering on shocking...and occasionally dancing over that line.

So, whatever you have experienced during the planetary shift... learn from it.  Use it to grow into a more fully realized image of yourself.

May God show us all the purposes, and guide us while we are picking up our respective pieces.

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Sucking Down a Cuppa Awareness and Trying Not to Choke

Image by Stuck in Customs via FlickrSo I was over on facebook (I know, shocker!) and my friend made a comment on one of my statuses that both made me laugh and made me stop dead in my tracks...

She offered me a cup of awareness.

Ouch, Hallelujah!

How fucking clueless have I been? Oh only this much *stretches arms wide like a little kid*

My evolved may not be so evolved in some areas... one in particular.

Love relationships.

Although, the last three months has taught me a lot about why my past relationships form a pattern of similarity, I still haven't gotten to the point where I'm able to stop making the mistakes.

Even though I recognize them now and can express them clearly, I still fight with myself about the follow through when it comes to changing the behaviors.

But, it's time for change... I've undergone so many so fast, I guess I just expected them all to happen that quickly... but God only gifts ya so much before you have to do the actual leg work.

Sometimes, you have to suck down that cup of awareness and admit that the one you think you want is incapable of giving you what you need.

...that, for whatever reason you think you want to hang on, it simply will not work. That person is not your one, because it is simply too much frustration and work.

I know what happens when it doesn't work for me. I get ugly. I become hostile because the person I have chosen to hang on to does not do what I need him to do for me.

He doesn't communicate in the way that I need for my heart to feel safe and then  my communications shut down as well.

He isn't there when I think that a partner should be there to support me in my times of pain or weakness, so I stop showing that side of myself.

In short, the walls of protective anger grow up around my wounded insides and the moat of hostility grows ever wider and deeper until it becomes wholly impassable.

Except, I always want them to cross it, and scale the walls; charging in, colors flying, sword held high and I fall for every attempt they make wanting so much for it to be different.

It never is.

Once the pattern is set it's done for. All back-tracking and lovey times from then on are short-lived and doomed to failure.

Don't get me wrong, I've learned that if we (me and Mr. whoever the hell you are, where the fuck are you anyway?) can discuss issues as they arise, communicate well and healthily and the behaviors are changed as they come up (cause sometimes you just don't know you're dancing all over someone's issues until it is discussed), then the relationship can stay healthy, and caring, and loving, and connected...

All the things that grown-ups need to build their real-life version of the fairy -tale relationship... the one based in reality, that has its ups-and-downs because life isn't all Skittles and beer, but is still solid, safe, comfortable, respectful, and yes, even lusty... even when you're doing the laundry and taking out the trash.

I just haven't found the one that can do that with me.

But somewhere, somehow, I know he's out there.

Because the Universe is a creature of balance, and balance comes in pairs.

I guess I just haven't evolved enough to find him...

YET.

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