Monday, September 29, 2008

Caffeine IV's

I am starvin' like Marvin! This could very possibly be a result of it being 4:30 pm, being up since 6:30 am, and only having coffee today...

But I love coffee! Hubby gets his one small mug and I get two and a half coffee bowls, which incidentally, is the rest of the 12 cup pot. I believe with every fiber in my being that caffeine adds IQ points, and at this stage of the game, I need as many booster IQ points as I can accumulate.

I am currently awaiting the advent of the caffeine IV, at which time I will mow down people to get to the front of the permanent IV line. I'd be Wonder Woman, I'm sure of it. I'm also sure that a patch wouldn't cut it. I need the direct, in-line-to-the-vein caffeine... like I currently get from my jumbo-mug (ok, mugSSSSS) of coffee.

I also know that soda doesn't do it for me. I don't zing like a speed-freak on skates without my java. Mountain Dew, Jolt Cola, you just can't put me at full Def con-5-alert like I need to be. And those so-called energy drinks? What the hell is up with that aftertaste? If I wanted to eat sweet-tobacco and dirt, I'd move to the Carolinas. I'm a smoker and those things taste nasty, I can't imagine if I actually had fully-functioning taste buds. Pitewey!

But I do realize that for all it's heaven-sent properties, that coffee doesn't possess a single atom of protein. I get this, I do actually eat (trust me on this, my pant size doesn't lie--I EAT!), but I prefer to drink my manna from Colombia--although, it must be processed. Regular coffee is swill. Espresso, cappuccino, French Roast, even Community Coffee's Between Roast, as long as it's not fully 'regular Colombian coffee'... That will be what I start drinking if I ever decide that I have a coffee addiction problem and need to go to self-imposed coffee rehab--I'd be clean in a matter of days.

One of the things that I love about coffee is how personalized it can be and no one looks at you like you're mental. Every coffee drinker is, in this one way, a snob. We want our coffee a certain way. We may-MAY- make do with what is served us, but then again, maybe not. We want our creamer or half and half or milk or sugar or sweet-n-low or splenda or our half-caf, non-fat, double mocha with shot of raspberry with whip (that's why the non-fat milk; leaves the calories for the whip--Duh!) exactly how we want it.

This is how Starbucks came to be the monstrosity that it is. The founders of that place respected and tapped into the God-given right to be as ridiculously precise as we are mentally able about one thing, the lifeline that is our coffee. We may not know how to match up a single pair of shoes for wearing in public, but we can tell you with surgeon-like precision, how exactly we want our coffee. Oh sure, Starbucks expanded to green teas and frappucinos, but deep down at it's core it is the on-every-corner-in-every-grocery-store-at-every-friggin'-tollbooth-for-crissakes-you-can-be-picky-as-fuck-for-only-five-dollars-per-inspirational-message-inscribed-cup Mecca.

Which makes me feel a little better because I'm not the only one. And also inspires me to work out, because how else am I going to batter down like a freight train all the other completely amped, strung out coffee junkies in the permanent IV line?

Better invest in some cleats and brass knuckles too... just like if I were going to a white sale.

4 comments:

Georgie said...

OH how I love my coffee. OH yes I totally agree with Aria. I would plow people down t get to my coffee. I do drink my coffee in the mornings, I drink about 3 pots if I am at home. I have it all day and if it increases IQ points heaven help me cause I am so special sometimes. If I were to just stop in my tracks I would run up my own ass. Its BUDDIN' BUDDIN' for me. Burning both ends of the candle at once. One day those flames are gonna meet and then what. Guess I will wait and see gotta keep rolling and keep jumping through all those so called hoops. OH--that wonderful wonderful aroma of that coffee brewing is calling my name now. so gotta jet ...buddin buddin I always say ...talk to you later

Terri said...

Cheers..and my cream and sweet and low to you. I too am in need of a coffee IV. If I'm awake there is fresh coffee in my kitchen!

Steve Bossenberger said...

I can relate! Coffee is a necesity for me in the mornings. I can't function without it. I think it all started when I had early classes at UT in Austin and I have been drinking coffee ever since! They really do need a Coffee IV!

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