I Blame the Garden Gnomes

Image via WikipediaI think garden gnomes are beating me up in my sleep.

Nothing else makes sense.

How in the hell did I bruise my foot while I attained my less than 4 hours of sleep last night? It's on the side of the heel back behind the instep, below the ankle.

Whaaaat thaaaa....???

I don't have a bed, so I didn't slam it on a bedpost. I don't sleep next to the wall, so I probably couldn't have done it that way... besides, I think that would have hurt enough to wake me up.

But garden gnomes... yeah, those little bastards are crafty and malicious enough to do something like this.

They know how to be silent and stealthy.

And, they are always posed holding something that looks like it can take out your knees in one blow.


They can return to their daytime poses deftly with hardly a thought; no human the wiser.

But I know.

Truth is, those crafty little buggers are jealous of our height and just itching with their wrinkled-faced-odd-nosed selves to get even.

They're responsible for all manner of quirky unknowns in the human world:


How come only one sock of the pair came out of the dryer?

Garden gnomes.

Where'd that pen go? It was just here!

Garden gnomes.

How the hell did my cell phone bill get so high? I live alone, don't have teen-agers, and really don't remember calling Germany at 3am on what appears to be a Tuesday...

Garden gnomes.

The unexplainable bruise on the weird spot on my heel that seems very unnaturally attainable because of it's odd location...

Garden gnomes.


They're the cosa nostra of weird WTF's. It's a complete network that spans the globe... except for Japan, I don't think they've infiltrated Japan yet because of the Yakuza.

And don't be fooled into thinking you own a garden gnome (or 6). No, you harbor them, and deserve jail time under the RICO law guidelines.

Behind those wry little smiles and sometimes scary European countenances, they're conspiring their next plot and laughing at you. Those wee, glassy-eyed fugitives from accountability.

One day it will happen to you.

So mark my words: Garden gnomes.

Because once you become the victim of their shenanigans, you will remember reading this and I won't seem quite so crazy.

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