Who would really think that someone in a foreign country would, with no prior knowledge of you or personal contact with you, entrust you with millions of dollars, or pay you millions of dollars or somehow got your email address in some lottery-type game and you have won millions of dollars. Even those of us faithful to playing the lotto know it's a Gajillion-to-One shot of winning, so to win anything that you didn't even put your name in the hat for should, by all rights, make every red-flag in your cranium wave like line-hung sheets in a hurricane.
And yet, someone somewhere must be falling for this shit because I get at least two emails with varying claims of my soon to be multi-millionaire status each and every day ~ in my business account... my personal email account gets more like 6-10 per day.
This is one of the actual emails I received yesterday, and although it's not from Nigeria, it still goes to prove why I'm incredulous to the part where Matt & Meridith & Ann & Al & Diane & Robin & even Harry ALL come on and talk about people getting bilked in these things... It's a gem, but... Seriously...?
In the body of the letter: I AM MR. FARAH GEBARA, A BANKER IN ONE OF THE REPUTABLE BANK (grammar mistake) IN BURKINA FASO (Really, Farah, which bank? And are you a 70's wing-headed-blond with questionable intelligence too?). I HAVE DECIDED TO CONTACT YOU ON A BUSINESS PROPOSAL OF US$18.5M (EIGHTEEN MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATE DOLLARS). (You don't say! Wow out of the many billions of people on the planet, including over 18.5 million with websites, my name came up, huh? Did my cousin's sister's half-brother's goldfish whisper my email address in your ear, Dognuts?)
THE DEPOSITOR OF THE SAID FUND (again with the grammar Farah) DIED WITH HIS ENTIRE FAMILY DURING THE IRAQ WAR IN 2006. (and now three years later, you've decided that I, Aria, am the correct person to handle this matter for you...) THE DECEASED CUSTOMER USED HIS WIFE AS THE NEXT OF KIN (missing the matching comma, Farah, you really fell asleep in English Comp class, didn't you?) BUT UNFORTUNATELY, THE WIFE DIED ALONG SIDE WITH HIM ( along side with him? WTF kind of sentence structure is that?) LEAVING NOBODY FOR THE CLIAM. ( CLAIM misspelled ~ no spell check over there, huh? Must be waiting for my money to get that installed...)
ACCORDING TO OUR BANKING LAW, IF THE FUNDREMAIN (spacing and grammatically that should be 'remains', Farah) UNCLAIMED FOR THREE (3) YEARS THEN, (punctuation) THE FUND WILL BE TRANSFER (ed, transferred, Dumbass ) INTO THE RESERVE BANK OF BURKINA AS (an) UNCLAIMED BILL. I DON'T WANT THE FUND TO GO INTO THE BANK TREASURY AND (comma) AS SUCH, LET US CLAIM THE FUND NOW. (Oh yes, LET US! I've always wanted to see the inside of a Turkish prison; I understand they're simply spa-like!)
I WANT TO PRESENT YOU AS HIS COUSIN OR BUSINESS PARTNER (It would have to be business partner, Farrah, I'm practically an albino, couldn't possibly pass for a relative) SO THAT THE BANK WILL TRANSFER THE FUND INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT FOR US TO SHARE IT. YOUR PERCENTAGE WILL BE 40% WHILE 60% WILL BE FOR ME. (Ya greedy fuck ~ it should be at least 50/50!)
AS AN INSIDER IN THIS BANK, I ASSURE YOU THAT, (no comma this time, Jerkenstein) THIS TRANSACTION IS 100% RISK FREE. (Really? Lying internationally for 18.5 million dollars is risk free? Damn! If I had known that, I'd have systematically wiped out Switzerland years ago!) IF YOU ARE WILLING FOR THE DEAL, (no comma and what the hell is up with the grammar again, you were improving there for an entire paragraph, and now you've gone straight down the toilet again!) CONTACT ME FOR MORE DETAILS (now you want the comma) BUT IF YOU ARE NOT CAPABLE, PLEASE NOTIFY ME. ( no comma after capable, and why would I notify you if I am not capable? I am very capable, I am simply unwilling, and therefore would not contact you even under duress.)
THE TRANSACTION WILL TAKE US ONLY 14 BANKING DAYS. NOBODY KNOWS (so) KEEP THE SECRET WITHIN YOU OK. ( Oh yeah, sure, I'm going to be getting 40% of 18.5 million dollars and I'm not going to tell every friggin' body in the hood that I'm coming into something ~ wink, wink ~ keep it on the sly, homegirl, or Sir Oinks-A-Lot will come sniffin' around, and you don't want that if you want your cut; 'cause you know I'm gonna kick down some bling an' bonz for my girlz!) YOU MUST KEEP THIS DEAL AS SECRET FOR THE SECURITY OF THE FUND. (Jeez-Louise... again I say... G R A M M A R... Look it the fuck up!) DO NOT DISCLOSE THIS DEAL TO ANYBODY BECAUSE I WANT THE SECRET TO BEBETWEEN US ONLY. (spacing... and Yes, Farah, because we're such good buds that I would gladly risk my freedom and my life to share a secret with you, and only you... Oh joyous, blessed day!)
YOU CAN SEE THE NEWS IN BBC AND CNN REGARDING THEIR DEATH:
(OH, well, if the whole thing was on CNN and BBC then I totally believe you now, whatever you want me to do, you've got it buddy, I'm One-Hundred-Percent-SOLD!)
FINALLY, I WANT YOU TO INDICATE YOUR BANK ACCOUNT DETAILS WHERE THE FUND WILL BE TRANSFERED TO: (a colon usually indicates that you're including information, you left me high and dry there Farah, and here I thought we were buds... And as far as MY account information, sure, no problem, let me get you that right this second... Do you want my Visa/Check Card numbers with the three digit code on the back and my PIN number too, just to make things easier? I'll tell you, Farah, I'm so glad you contacted me, it will sure be nice to have a daily average balance higher than $1.98!)
BEST REGARD, (regardSSS, Farah. Tell you what, I'll do it if you promise to go to English Comp classes...)
Mr. FARAH GEBARA.
BILLAND EXCHANGE MANAGER.
I briefly considered sending this response:
My dearest bud, Farah,
If you are the Bill and Exchange Manager, I think you would make sure your title is error free. Your grammar, punctuation, sentence structure and composition is shoddy at best. How you would think that I could trust anyone who is so sloppy on paper to be my criminal partner is beyond me. Thanks for the info, I'm quite capable of finding a much smarter, more trustworthy-to-not-get-me-pinched cohort to pull of this scam. And I won't be greedy with them, it will be 50/50. Not to mention, that the other person I find would have proper email manners and not SHOUT AT ME for the entirety of the letter. I thought this was a secret, and here you are shouting it to the friggin' rooftops! I bet you ding women at random in chat rooms and try to get them to marry you into US citizenship so you can import your entire family of 97 cousins to run one 7-11 too. I suggest you stick to trying to catch criminals with Kelly and Sabrina instead.
But, hey, can we still be buds, Farah Monkeyspunk?
Much buddy love to you and don't drop the soap,
I'm sure it comes as no surprise to you when I tell you that I talk to the news and commercials in the same manner...