Sucking Down a Cuppa Awareness and Trying Not to Choke

Image by Stuck in Customs via FlickrSo I was over on facebook (I know, shocker!) and my friend made a comment on one of my statuses that both made me laugh and made me stop dead in my tracks...

She offered me a cup of awareness.

Ouch, Hallelujah!

How fucking clueless have I been? Oh only this much *stretches arms wide like a little kid*

My evolved may not be so evolved in some areas... one in particular.

Love relationships.

Although, the last three months has taught me a lot about why my past relationships form a pattern of similarity, I still haven't gotten to the point where I'm able to stop making the mistakes.

Even though I recognize them now and can express them clearly, I still fight with myself about the follow through when it comes to changing the behaviors.

But, it's time for change... I've undergone so many so fast, I guess I just expected them all to happen that quickly... but God only gifts ya so much before you have to do the actual leg work.

Sometimes, you have to suck down that cup of awareness and admit that the one you think you want is incapable of giving you what you need.

...that, for whatever reason you think you want to hang on, it simply will not work. That person is not your one, because it is simply too much frustration and work.

I know what happens when it doesn't work for me. I get ugly. I become hostile because the person I have chosen to hang on to does not do what I need him to do for me.

He doesn't communicate in the way that I need for my heart to feel safe and then  my communications shut down as well.

He isn't there when I think that a partner should be there to support me in my times of pain or weakness, so I stop showing that side of myself.

In short, the walls of protective anger grow up around my wounded insides and the moat of hostility grows ever wider and deeper until it becomes wholly impassable.

Except, I always want them to cross it, and scale the walls; charging in, colors flying, sword held high and I fall for every attempt they make wanting so much for it to be different.

It never is.

Once the pattern is set it's done for. All back-tracking and lovey times from then on are short-lived and doomed to failure.

Don't get me wrong, I've learned that if we (me and Mr. whoever the hell you are, where the fuck are you anyway?) can discuss issues as they arise, communicate well and healthily and the behaviors are changed as they come up (cause sometimes you just don't know you're dancing all over someone's issues until it is discussed), then the relationship can stay healthy, and caring, and loving, and connected...

All the things that grown-ups need to build their real-life version of the fairy -tale relationship... the one based in reality, that has its ups-and-downs because life isn't all Skittles and beer, but is still solid, safe, comfortable, respectful, and yes, even lusty... even when you're doing the laundry and taking out the trash.

I just haven't found the one that can do that with me.

But somewhere, somehow, I know he's out there.

Because the Universe is a creature of balance, and balance comes in pairs.

I guess I just haven't evolved enough to find him...

YET.

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