Friday, February 27, 2009

LMFAO Friday #1

OK, so apparently Half Dead ISN'T All Good... Cause who want's to start the weekend on a thoughtful note instead of a laugh-to-forget-the-week-I-just-had!?! And to answer your question Don of Wendel Enterprises ~ NO, I was NOT arguing with hubby when I wrote that (no eye roll, no sarcasm). Don and his wife happen to be friends of ours, and I have to give a public shout out of appreciation to them, because they came by last weekend and Don worked on my 'puter (and he totally needs to start a techie blog, cause he lives and breaths this shit)... Thanks again Don, I'm zoomin' now ~ well unless I'm on Firefox and Yahoo Messenger at the same time, then I'm snailin' but we both know that's due to memory (in)capacity and not your workmanship...

So, inspired by Don's need for levity, I thought I'd start a new feature here on Fridays ~ LMFAO Friday. I will feature pics I've found on FAIL Blog and embellish them with my own comments. That should set up your weekends from here on out ~ and satisfy your funny bone Don.

fail owned pwned pictures
see more pwn and owned pictures

I can't decide... is this "Where the Sidewalk Ends" or the result of "The Road Less Traveled"?

fail owned pwned pictures
see more pwn and owned pictures

This toy should be for ages 18 and up.

fail owned pwned pictures
see more pwn and owned pictures

That's what'cha call a redneck commuter right there. Yup.

fail owned pwned pictures
see more pwn and owned pictures

I'll bet he got banned from the PTA bake sale

fail owned pwned pictures
see more pwn and owned pictures

Mrs. Blart and Baby Blart on their way to the mall.

fail owned pwned pictures
see more pwn and owned pictures

And right next door is Pussy Galore's Pink Taco Hut...

Happy Weekend Y'all!

*and just a reminder, the EcoStore giveaway is now closed (winner to be announced Monday March 2nd), but the 100th post giveaway is live through Monday, March 2nd at 8am! So enter today! Registered & Protected

Half Dead Is All Good

I've heard it said that to have a good marriage you have to die to self. But...

As in, "But, what the fuck about the me I used to be and why the holy-fucking-hell do I have to die?"

I mean, I understand the concept. You have to die to your selfish ways and being the one and only someone that you answer to. I get that part, I understand completely, but...

As in, "But, there is something called balance, and if all of me dies then my husband/wife/partner is stuck with a corpse, and that can. not. possibly. be a good thing."

What if what we've heard from all of the so called experts is wrong ~ or at least contradictory to the other thing that they say which is that you have to stand up for yourself... but how are you supposed to stand-up if you're dead? That's one hell of a parlor trick, Skippy.

And btw, Mr. Expert, Sir, how am I supposed to bring anything worthwhile to the relationship if I'm dead? The stench of rotting flesh is so not what I want to impart to my beloved, ya know?

Besides, it always bothered me that I was supposed to die and bring my particular brand of amazingness to my relationships all at the same time. Unless I was supposed to divy it up and sometimes be dead and sometimes be all that I can be. So, honestly, these relationship experts weren't making any damn sense whatsoever.

But... and this time I mean, as in, "But, the lightbulb came on and they're both right, they just need a modification on their theories, and it's a critical one since the alternatives are utter selfishness or complete death, both of which suck big fat donkey rocks." If we're trying to live under either of these theories without incorporating the other for balance, we're screwed... No wonder the divorce rate is off the charts! Fucking Duh (to quote Robin Williams)!

You see, the first Half of you has to be the best that you've got in all your talents, gifts, and amazingly-unique-all-you-self. The other Half of you has to die, so that it can match up with your husband's/wife's/partner's dead half and those two separate dead halves can be reborn again as a whole that becomes the WE, the US, the Common Ground Entitiy that is the backbone basis of the relationship.

I guess in this instance, being half dead is all good. Well, just if you want to keep the one you're with ~ I mean, if not, by all means, go ahead and go with one of the other theories, they've worked sooo well so far... Yes, you did hear an eye-roll there..... Registered & Protected

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

One Hundred (aka Damn It's Early, and Oh Hey, Have A Giveaway Too)

First of all, can I just say... 5 am is Really Friggin' Early! But y'all know we do what we have to in today's economy to keep our jobs... So let me start this post by saying Thank You hubby for busting one out every day for our family; so I can stay home with our munchkin and expand my Blogger Butt ~ even when it means a day like today which included leaving the house at 4:30am, driving 90 minutes to wait in line for over an hour in order to get a certification that you don't want because having it will mean future workplace headaches that you don't need. Thank You hubby, I love you.

So yeah, 5 am is early... not as early as 4 am, when I got up to make hubby's lunch so he could survive his brutally long day, even though the munchkin refused sleep till after midnight troll baby thanks kid ~ I'll definitely be napping sometime today, you know, while hubby is required to think and drive 90 minutes (which by then will be 2 hours) to get home... so don't cry for me Argentina that I got up at 4 am while hubby hit the snooze button ~ he got an extra 15 minutes... I'll put on a Disney with FastPlay (the bone Disney throws parents for melting every last intelligent synapse out of their skulls) and get at least 3 hours worth of nap time later.

So, in my she-looks-like-she's-watching-TV-but-in-reality-her-brain-is-going-5 million-miles-per-minute-and-is-as-far-from-what-appears-to-be-going-on-as-it-gets, I was thinking sometime last night... after the Obama speech and before I got the munchkin to pass out sometime around midnight~ish... how I was going to handle this, my 100th post...

Do I just embed the CNN/YouTube feed of Obama's speech with the phrase, "I have nothing left to say" under it? Do I re-post my first-ever-post, White Trash Woman? cop out Or a couple of the early gems like Parenting Craziness, and Stereo Junkie, and One Piece of Me? triple cop out plus too long Or do I give you some explanation of how the category On A Pale Horse came to be named after a Piers Anthony book of the same name? boring Do I post a picture of my computer area so that y'all can marvel at how I manage to bang one out a few times a week in this cluttered little corner? far too much work for pre-coffee pre-6am Do I pull an Academy Awards moment and get 5 more well known bloggers to write a mini blurb about how great my blog is so I can post it here in hopes of impressing y'all? far too late in the game and too early in the morning to have a snowball's chance in Hell of managing to pull this off. Note To Self: don't do crack before blogging. Note To Self: always ingest your body weight in caffeine before posting

Or, do I simply refill the coffee bowl, sit down in front of my beloved 'Puter and try to come up with something that will make you blog stalk me laugh your ass off, or think about the world and your role in it, or have a debate with yourself as to whether you want to get involved enough to call the little green men with strait jackets to come and take me away ASAP...

Obviously, the coffee-bowl-bang-one-out method was all I could manage to do that didn't require any real work or seem so lame, even to me at 5am, that I'd loose followers was what I chose after careful consideration. I mean, looking at the blog-roll, it seems that practically every other blogger was typing away during Obama's speech and I'm a day-late-and-a-dollar-short-dumbass for taking this long to post. But, this is simply my way... I didn't start watching Seinfeld till it hit syndication and Sex and the City was 3 years old before I joined the orgasm party.

Speaking of orgasm, I got an email this morning asking me to do a product review on a penis ring. Yeeeeaaaaahhhh... ummm, hubby is a good sport about the blogging and all, but pretty sure he'd scoff at having to be party to the research needed to do that product review... not to mention the 'WTF have you been writing about?!?!?' quiz that would happen since he'd want to know why the hell someone would ask me to do a penis ring review on what's supposed to be a harmless little blog. even if I'm more twisted than a corkscrew but I spare y'all from having to witness that level of fruit loop And what the hell types of blogs have I been reading?!?!? I mean, I could totally show him Jen's new layout on Cheaper than Therapy, or Brittany's total overhaul/move to WP on Barefoot Foodie (both of which look fan-friggin-tastic and are giving me a whole new case of blog-envy even if Brittany's post just totally reminded me that it was lent, and the only thing I have to give up is my thinly-veiled-facade of normalcy)... but if he sees the Bloggess, I may wind up without internet access getting the hairy eyeball and a three hour discussion about intentionally taking shit into my brain that's more twisted than politics.

But before that happens, I have a giveaway ~ a MINI giveaway ~ for y'all to celebrate my banging out hubby so I can stay home and blog 100 posts...

One entry per person ~ follow me here or on twitter (see left sidebar) and comment for entry in order to win 693 Entrecard credits, (why 693? ~ you mean aside from the fact that 369 was too few, and 936 was too many?) and a featured listing on this blog from Saturday, March 14th thru Tuesday, March 31st. And by featured, I mean right up top, above the new Yahoo Chat in the wide top section of the right sidebar; link will be text or banner, winner's choice. And if you're feeling left out cause you don't have Entrecard, join, it's free.

And, a reminder ~ you can still enter the EcoStore giveaway until 8am CST Friday 2/27...

And last but most certainly not least ~ Thank YOU for reading!!! Without y'all I'd be like one of those people on the street that talks to themselves and laughs out loud at what they are saying, startling everyone even remotely close to them... but you know, on paper (OK screen, whatever, I'd still be writing to no one and cackling to myself in the back room, which would be very, very scary.)

ps. Giveaway winners will be chosen at random from comments on Monday, March 2nd and announced the same day... told ya it was friggin' early!

pps. If you already follow me in either twitter or here, just leave a comment, I'll get it when I put my brain back in, and it will totally count. Registered & Protected

Monday, February 23, 2009

Your Butt Called

This is your butt calling... Have y'all seen that comercial yet? Ok, well here it is...

I go through this with my sister at least once a week since she got her blackberry. I see her number and even though it's 6-something am, my time, I try to answer as cheerfully as I can manage when I'm pre-coffee, only to realize that I've been butt-dialed.

I shout (as loudly as I can without waking the munchkin and the hubby), I whistle, I press buttons, I hang up, wait 5 minutes to fully disconnect and call her back... FINALLY, I get to talk to her brain and not her butt. At which point, I inform her of the time, (since she's EST and I'm CST) and that I just listened to her backing up a forklift for three minutes, and I am NOT amused. I also begin to chant "flip phone" like it's a mantra that the Dalai-Lama would use. This is when she apologizes profusely, and then hangs up with me and changes my ring tone to "Ding dong the witch is dead" on her phone. But, see, when she tells me about my new ring tone, it's post-coffee and I find it hilarious ~ cause, well, I'm (we're) twisted like that.

Bottom Line :-) couldn't resist... as far as I'm concerned, if your butt is going to call me, make sure it can hold a quasi-intelligent conversation, and I'm not talking about farting the alphabet...

PS. I just Googled Dalai-Lama to check the spelling and he totally has his own website ~ swear! The Website of The Office of His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama
PPS. I just managed to get my sister, butts, farts and the Dalai-Lama all in one post ~ this may well be my best blog post EVER! Registered & Protected

Friday, February 20, 2009

Eco Store Product Review and Giveaway

A few weeks ago, I got a wonderful email from a lady named Megan asking me to do a review for Eco Store products. They're branching out to the United States after making products in New Zealand for 20 years. Eco Store makes plant based, non-toxic Household Cleaning,Baby and Personal Care products that have 'No Nasty* Chemicals'. The asterisk made me go, "Hmmm, wonder what the asterisk means." But that mystery flew out of my head as I headed over to both the Eco Store US website and the Eco Store NZ website to check them out and see if I'd be interested. I chose to sample some of the shampoo and conditioner, emailed Megan back and went back to my day-to-day existence.

So, this Monday morning as I'm doing dishes, I'm a little surprised to see FedEx roll into my driveway. Cause, ya know, with the weekend house-wreck along with Giselle once again melting my mind into a puddle, I had forgotten that Megan was sending products for me to try out.

The first thing I noticed when I opened the box was the glorious lemon smell that perked up my whole kitchen. I couldn't have made it smell better in there if I'd made homemade lemonade (which I totally don't do. ever.). I was a little disappointed that the soap that smelled so fantastic was not for me, but for the giveaway... So it goes without saying that I was absolutely chomping at the bit to try out the Aloe Shampoo and Conditioner that I'd be reviewing. And I wanted to give it a full workout/tryout so I finished my housework in double time to work up some serious need of a great shampoo...

The second thing I noticed; when I finished said housework and inspected the containers, was that there were expiration dates on the products! I've never had an expiration date on my shampoo and conditioner before ~ and I used to work in a beauty supply store, I've used manyManyMANY professional-expensive-up line products. That alone made me think, 'all natural'.

With my products in hand, I finally was able to find out what 'No Nasty* Chemicals' meant. The whole asterisk mystery had re-emerged in my mind, and the answer was all laid out for me on the back of the Eco Store products. * NO toxic petro chemicals. * NO animal fats or tallow. * NO synthetic dyes. * NO sodium lauryl sulphate. * NO propylene glycol. This is the answer for the Lemongrass Soap. But on the Aloe Vera Shampoo and Conditioner there are more No's... * NO DEA. * NO sodium or amonium sulfates. * NO parabens. * NO artificial perfumes. * NO cocamidecocomidopropyl betaine. And you know I took that off the bottles cause I have no idea what some of that stuff is, never mind how to spell it!

What was universal about the listings on the products were No Animal Testing and GE Free and 2002 Green Ribbon Award from the NZ Ministry for the Environment. So now I'm thinking that they should send Al Gore a box of this stuff, cause he'd love it. And I was about to find out if I did too.

So I hop into the shower and put my Asterisk NO, New Zealand made, expiration date having Eco Store products to the test. The shampoo smelled fantastic. Fresh and slightly sweet, but not like I'd been beaten about the face by a florist. Ladies, your man will not complain about smelling girly if he uses this shampoo (if you let him!). One lather and I was clean from scalp to ends despite my vigorous housecleaning. Normally after a housewife-workout like that, I'd need to double wash. So things were looking great for the shampoo.

Then I tried the conditioner. Again with the fresh natural, yet non-girly-frou-frou smell. And then I go to apply it, and it doesn't feel quite right. It didn't' seem to cover my hair like I was used to, so I used more, and covered my whole head. I need to explain this part, cause normally, I do NOT use conditioner on my bangs. If I do, I tend to look greasy within 24 hours, but this was a product review, and I wanted to try it out all the way. I left it on about two minutes (label says 1-3 mins) and rinsed. As I'm rinsing, my hair felt (to me) waxy, and I'm starting to get worried that I'm gonna have one hell of a comb-out and how am I going to write a bad review, cause this is my first one and I don't know the protocol for a bad review. I finish my shower and step out with a heavy heart.

Until the comb out ~ OMG it was the smoothest comb out EVER. People, again with the beauty supply house, I have spent over $40 for an 8 oz bottle of conditioner before, and I have NEVER had a comb-out this easy. And when my hair had dried, it was super soft and very shiny. Awesome! Next time around, I reduced my conditioner amount, and still got fantastic results. Turns out, what I thought was 'waxy' is actually what hair really feels like when it's not coated in chemical crap.

Then, Just For You, my dear readers, I went all scientific. I wanted to see just how long it would take for my hair to look like I needed to wash it. ~ A brief diversion here, God Bless Hubby for still letting me sleep in the bed and continuing to sit next to me during this testing! ~ Well, y'all I can't give you a full answer to my scientific question. After 62 hours, I could stand myself No More and HAD to end the experiment with a longLongLONG super-scrub shower. But, my hair still didn't look bad, (honestly, if I didn't reek, I could have gone grocery shopping without tripping on my hair looking unwashed-nasty) and it only took one lather to come completely clean yet again.

I am in love with Eco Store products! The US website is new, but the NZ website has been around for a while so check them both out... and seriously y'all I'm never going back to store-brand shampoo and conditioner again. This way, I know my hair will look fantastic even if the well pump goes out and I can't wash it for a couple of days.

And now, y'all, I have an absolutely amazing-smelling Lemongrass Soap from Eco Store to give away for one of you luckyLuckyLUCKY readers... It's sitting in front of the shampoo and conditioner in the picture above. You will also win a featured link on Aria'z Ink as either a button or text link (winner's choice) from Monday, March 2nd to Friday, March 13th 2009.

Contest rules and such are: ALL comments MUST contain contact email information in case it is chosen as the winner.

To enter:

1. Follow Aria'z Ink and leave a comment on this post telling me that you are following. If you already follow me, just leave a comment. Anonymous followers will not be eligible.

2. Tweet about this contest and come leave a comment with your twitter address or the URL to the tweet (worth one additional entry per tweet, so comment once for each tweet).

3. Add an Aria'z Ink button to your sidebar and leave TWO comments to tell me you have done so (worth two additional entries, so comment twice).

4. Blog about this contest including links to Eco Store USA, Eco Store NZ, and Aria'z Ink and leave me THREE comments with the link (one blog post is worth three entries, so comment three times).

Contest winners will be chosen at random from the received valid comments, by their comment number. Only valid comments will be entered. Contest entries will be accepted until 8 am Central Standard Time, Friday, February 27th. The winner will be emailed on Friday, February 27th, and must respond to notification email by 8 am CST Monday, March 2nd or an alternate winner will be chosen. Winner will be announced on Monday, March 2nd. Featured link will be posted from Monday, March 2nd through Friday, March 13, 2009.

Good Luck Y'all! Registered & Protected

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Aria'z Ink News and Responses

Happy Hump-day dear readers. No, I'm not being trashy (for a change), once you pass Wednesday, you're over the hump of the work-week... supposedly. This Hump-day, I wanted to update y'all with some new Aria'z Ink news and responses to comments on the last post...

First of all, the new color is not pink or even salmon (I'm a budding colorist, gotta be picky about the shade names, right?)... it's more Campbell's Tomato Soup if you added half a can of milk. LOL It's not so much that I'm in love with the color, but in my opinion, the header pic no longer looks out of place. Every other color combo that I've tried made it seem to float above the page and it just didn't fit. I loveLoveLOVE that pic. I'd never seen a sunset like that before in all my life, so I've been bound and determined to keep that pic as my header. Therefore, with the tomato soup coloring, along with the bright-goldie-yellow, it matches and the picture 'fits the page' now. So, if you're not thrilled with the new colors, discuss it with God, I just tried my human-best to match what He (or She) put in the sky... Besides Brittany of Musings of a Barefoot Foodie likes it, so it's staying! Even if she said that it looked all California mellow, since that picture was taken from my front yard here in Houston~ish Texas in November of 2007... I will totally cut her some slack, she's ready-to-pop-pregnant, the mom of two boys, and she still finds time to write a great blog... I'd cut her slack if she said it was a sunset from the moon.

Next ~ My Girl, who is coming in March, is my 10 year old daughter Josie. Who is smart and beautiful and wonderful from the inside out (even with the standard 10 year old's quirks!). She lives with her dad (aka Ex-Husband, Hubby #1) in Southern California and although we talk a lot, we haven't seen each other in person since late March of last year ~ so, almost a year. Which is why I'm doing the Happy-Dance and why this was better news for me than Sue's good news.

What else? This Friday, February 20th, I'll be doing my first ever product review, which will include a giveaway, make sure y'all check back for that, cause I'm excited. And I'll be doing another mini-giveaway for my One Hundredth Post! I can't believe I'm almost there already! Seems like just yesterday that I was dipping my big toe into the blogging pond.

Also, I'm sure you saw the new item up top, but I'm going to reiterate ~ On March 6th, My Birthday (national holiday), Lucy Adams will let us all read an excerpt from her new book If Mama Don't Laugh, It Ain't Funny since Aria'z Ink will be one of the first stops on her virtual book tour, If Mama Blog Tour 2009. She has also generously agreed to do a giveaway here, so for the Aria's-Birthday National Holiday, one lucky reader will get a present. Pretty cool for y'all, huh? I'm such a giver... *choke,sputter,cough,coffee shooting out of my nose*

Now I just have to convince beat him over the head with a brick or some equivalent blunt object hubby that it's a national holiday and since it's MY holiday, I deserve a really big present... something to rival the big-ass TV I'll be lucky to see a cake, even though I'll probably wind up with a Blu-ray disc that he wants. Registered & Protected

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Congrats, Happy Dance and Squeal

So I'm over here all jazzed cause I got the blog colors right, finally, and now they match the header. Which, btw, is no easy task. Blogger does NOT have these colors standard, people. I'm all WHOOT thinking Sherwin-Williams is going to call any moment and offer me a huge ass contract as a colorist, cause I'm that good...

When I stop by Sue's blog, Happy Meals & Happy Hour, and she just got such OMG phenomenal news that I'm so jealous that I could spit out my cheesecake my colorist future is now making me yawn. Damn it Sue, you know this places you in the pedestal-untouchable category, right? For those of you that haven't already popped over there, shame on you! Sue is going to be in the next Chicken Soup book, and if that wasn't fancy-schmantzy enough, the other people who are going to be in it with her would make you choke on your Chardonnay...seriously! Huge Congrats, Sue!!! And go check it out, ya slackers! Now I feel a little like Brody: "I was the inker on the comic" Chakaluka King: "No, you. are. a. tracer..."

But I do have some other awesome news for y'all right here at lil' ole' Aria'z Ink... I'm going to have a couple of giveaways coming up in March that y'all are going to loveLoveLOVE (pinky swear!)

AND now for my own version of Sue's book news: My Girl is coming for a visit! Got all the details straightened out and she's going to make it for our birthdays ~ every last one of us in this house is a March baby... So I'm cool with not being in a book! (longLongLONG pause for happy dance!)

... and Barefoot Foodie just twittered me that she likes the new colors too (squeal, I totally blog stalk her, y'all!). My day is lookin' up! Registered & Protected

Monday, February 16, 2009

We're *ahem* Busy

I'm sorry y'all. I know it took forever for me to post today. I spent the day cleaning house and playing with the turbo terror tot.

I hear y'all asking, "Why would you spend a Monday cleaning house when you had all weekend to do it, woman?!?" If I listen really hard, I can hear the incredulity in your voices too because I knowKnowKNOW that you're chomping at the bit to read my nuggets of amazing talent... (hold a moment while I clean up the coffee I just spit all over the 'puter... sometimes I crack myself up!)

Seems some of the magic blue and yellow Best Buy faerie dust stuck to the new TV. I (we) spent an inordinately large portion of the weekend glued to the 40 inch True HD LCD TV (trumpets blowing, angels descending from heaven singing hallelujah chorus) like the construction worker in the old Crazy Glue ads. We had guests over so we could make their heads explode with jealousy 'wow' them with our mind-blowing home theater experience. And when they all left, I used the jaws of life to get out of my jeans, and changed into sweatpants we sat in awe by ourselves like TV junkie losers. Paying rapt attention to movies we'd already seen too many times for one lifetime... but now they were in BLU-RAY on a 40 inch True HD LCD TV (trumpets blowing, angels descending from heaven singing hallelujah chorus). Plus, I had cheesecake and Turtle Chex Mix (which is oral sex that the kids can watch) in the house, so there was no way in hell I was getting off my ass to go grocery shopping. I know y'all understand. We didn't get a damn thing done this weekend except deepening the ruts in the couch cushions We were *ahem* busy.

And, this is how I'm posting, finally, at almost 6pm on a Monday. Now, if I had a laptop this wouldn't be an issue. I'd post while I was watching the home IMAX. You'd probably be sick of hearing things like, "We're watching Madagascar 2, and I can see every single hair in the Alex's mane!!!" But, I'd beg your forgiveness in indulging my latest obsessive behavior.

Speaking of which, Madagascar 2 just ended, so I'm going to swap it over to watch Transformers for the fifth time in 72 hours cause I'm a total fucking junkie before hubby gets home and wants to watch something like Total Recall which is stupid when 80's Arnie is so bad I'd rather watch Steven Segal flicks killmenow compared side-by-side with Shia LeBouf in Transformers. Registered & Protected

Friday, February 13, 2009

Purse Porn **UPDATED**

So Tricia from 1StopMom came by yesterday to tell me that I'd been tagged, and this was a brand new one on me... plus, I'm a total purse hound, and loveLoveLOVE looking at who has what bag, so this qualifies as purse porn for me ~ soft-core. Hard core is shopping for a new bag with a zero-balance platinum card... oooooohhhhh... must. stop. now.

Here are the tag rules:

1. Post a picture of whatever bag you are carrying as of late. No, you cannot go up into your closet and pull out that cute little purse you used back before you had kids. I want to know what you carried today.

2. I want to know how much it costs. This is not to judge, because I am honestly telling you I was ready to put down some cash; I just got lucky! This is for entertainment purposes only. So spill it. And if there is a story to go along with how you obtained it, I’d love to hear about it!

3. Tag some chicks and link back to this post so people know why the heck you are showing everyone your bag.

My ginormous sack of a purse (I put the cordless phone by it so you could get an idea of the size) was found at Burlington Coat Factory for a whopping 12 bux including tax. I bought it because it was huge, and had light-colored lining. All my other black purses have had black linings... which is fine, except when ALL of your accessories are also black... Makes it take a while to pay cashiers, which is a P.I.A.

I knew it was big in the store, but I didn't realize How Big until I started stuffing things into it, and I always seem to have more room. OMG People, please, if Jimmy Hoffa isn't in my fridge, then it's because he jumped in my purse. If I were so inclined, it could double as a fully stocked diaper bag, still carry three DVDs, a paperback, a day planner along with all of my regular stuff ~ without it being full. (and no, I'm not exaggerating) I'm about to start going green by just loading all of my groceries in it. The days of carrying an itty-bitty purse that barely held a lip gloss, a single key and one credit card are so long gone, they're laughable...

Alright, the ladies who's bags I want to ogle like a letch are:

Thanks for playing along!

***UPDATED for VALENTINE'S DAY ~ kind of...

So my buddy, Joan at the Retirement Chronicles (who now has more followers than me, but I'm not jealous or bitter one bit. really. LOL! seriously, Joan Congrats!), Re-Tagged me because she added an additional rule for her tagees... they ~ I mean WE have to tell what we have in our bags, right now, every last embarrassing item. OMG... that may qualify as evil (not as much as Best Buy, but very, "Oh Shit" all the same), but since she's so awesome, I'll answer her Re-Tag... and wouldn't y'all know that we were out and about today, so I added stuff this morning, that I haven't taken back out yet... Oye...OK, here goes... I have in my ginormous portable-pit of a purse, right now, at 9:46pm on Saturday, February 14th...

Front pouch has keys and a Chinese fortune-cookie fortune. Main section (good thing this is written and not spoken, I'd be winded when I finished!): An emery board, a brush, my lotto pocket with the playslips and new tickets (fyi, it's really hard to type with crossed fingers!) my dayplanner with pen in the spirals, a 2006 travel calendar held together with two pony-tail holders containing scratch paper, my online account checkbook, one opened and one not opened packs of cigarettes (yeah, I know, I know), three lighters and a pack of matches (nothing worse than having smokes and no flame ~ that is a bad look, my friends!), my cell phone that hasn't had service since I came to Texas but I still carry with me cause it's got all the phone numbers in it as well as gin and hearts games in case I get bored and FYI, even with no service, I CAN call 911 on it if I have to (Thanks to my firefighter sister for giving me that very helpful piece of info!), my camera, my spare pair of glasses in a hard case just in case (the one's I'm wearing are half-frames, and munchkin is on a mission to deal them a swift and painful death at the hands of a malevolent matchbox car), a comb (fyi blondes do NOT have all the fun, they have tons of hair but each one is fine, which, when paired with open car windows spells hair disaster), two tubes of Burt's Bees replenishing lip balm with pommegranate oil (smells and tastes great, and has a bit of a pink tinge to it ~ it has replaced any and all lipstick for me), an eyeglasses repair kit, Neutrogena Norwegian Formula Hand Cream (it's the best!), ooop ~ another lighter, a Walmart reciept from earlier today, three Prilosec, a pill bottle with Advil, Tylenol, Excedrin and asprin (I can kick a headache's ASS!), a calculator, my card wallet, my money wallet, a pen, another pony-tail holder (even though I got my hair cut, it will eventually grow back, ya know), another pen, a cross stone from my hubby, and a pink and blue glow-in-the-dark plastic butterfly from my daughter.

OK, that's EVERYTHING... Y'all got off light today, it's only half packed ~ *wink wink* ~ and I still could have given that it's own post... Registered & Protected

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Best Buy Why Can't I Quit You

I know I've already stated the obvious... Best Buy=EVIL.

Bin Laden sent his minions to attack us because he went into a Best Buy. I just know it.

There's a spell that comes over one upon entering the big glass doors of the bold blue and yellow. It's hallowed ground for electronics junkies, and I thought there were siren songs coming over the sound system ~ I was wrong. Siren songs only effect men...

Last night, we're in Best Buy looking at TVs cause hubby has been on this kick since last year, when he upgraded the sound system to concert-hall proportions. He 'needed' a big new, 40 inch True HD TV (trumpets blowing, angels descending from heaven singing hallelujah chorus) to complete the home theater. Can you see the year-long eye roll going on over here (as he would research and read and bring home printouts and talk about features and functions and plasma vs. LCD and model numbers that I couldn't remember or differentiate under threat of torture) ?

People, we live in an itty-bitty trailer. So to say that it seems an unlikely place for one of the most well built and fully researched home theater systems available is an understatement of Biblical proportions. Since 'we're not in the middle of nowhere, but we can see it from here' (thank you Louise Sawyer for that line) in little said trailer, with all it's shabbier-than-chicness, and in it's tiny well worn living room sits a shining year-old home theater system to end all systems...

And now, thanks to EVILEVILEVIL Best Buy (I like that running 'evil' together like that also spells out vile. It's that too.) and it's hypnotic effect on ALL that cross it's threshold, the system is now complete with a big ole 40 inch true HD LCD TV (trumpets blowing, angels descending from heaven singing hallelujah chorus) focal point. Never mind that in our small living room, it looks as large as an IMAX screen.

Here's the rub; we were looking at one TV, hubby ran off to get a salesperson and by the time he came back, I had found one with a better picture, that was "on sale" to the tune of $200 more than the first one. It had better features too. And I pointed it out.

Happy. To. Help. Sucked in. Another mindless puppet of the Best Buy machine. fuck

And now, I'm going to have to re-watch every movie we own to bask in it's big ole 40 inch true HD LCD TV (trumpets blowing, angels descending from heaven singing hallelujah chorus) amazingness. double fuck

And since I'm the one that found the one we got, I can't even complain about how much it cost. triple fuck

Hubby is thrilled down to his socks.

Game. Over. Checkmate Best Buy. Registered & Protected

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Yay! Damn. Huh?

The title pretty much sums up what's been going on around here the last 26 hours...

Yay! The munchkin has been really good. We played a lot yesterday and then he was content to sit and watch his kiddie crack so I was able to get some things done on the computer yesterday. This morning he woke up bright and early, and came to bed with hubby and me. As soon as he was warmed up all snugly under the big down comforter with my arms wrapped around him (so he'd stop trying to climb Mt. Daddy) he settled down very quickly and we all fell back to sleep. It was wonderful. It also brought back very fond memories of my daughter snuggling with me when she was little. Jos was a snugly-girl, Jas is the exact opposite, which made this morning a little more special and precious.

Yay! My Alexa ranking bumped for the first time in over a month ~ by over 156 thousand... actually, that's a Yay with a WHOOT!

Yay, I've got three chapters started on the book. Yes three, and yes started... if you thought my writing process was going to be linear you were very much mistaken. For now, I'm doing what I know; which is getting the ideas down in blog post style. I'll expand the chapters and tie them together as the work progresses. I also got the title, the dedications, the fonts and colors settled, as well as working my way around the word processing program, that until now, I've only used as a 'saver' by way of copy, paste, save. Do y'all ever do that, or is that one just me?

Yay, I got my new Jas pictures downloaded from the camera to the computer last night. And I did all the work required to shrink the files and make them mailable. Ask anyone in my family, this is a biggie for me, cause I'm admittedly REALLY BAD about doing this. So that was a buff the fingernails on the shirtfront moment.

Yay, I got a new computer chair last night! I hear y'all goin', "Another One?!?" Yes, another one. As y'all know, I got one for Christmas from our good friends D & D, and I was pleased as punch. Unfortunately, there simply wasn't enough padding on that chair for the amount of hours I spend on the 'puter. You'd think with my huge ass that I wouldn't need a bunch of padding ~ that's the stereotype right? Padding included, I can sit on bricks... Oddly enough, that's not accurate. My ginormous booty was starting to cry uncle, and with the decision to embark on More Writing, the change was necessary... even though it came in a flat box and I had to put it together myself ~ which brings us to...


I'm sitting all pretty in my new chair, getting used to typing since it's a whole different position and whatnot (while some of you are thinking I'm crazy right now cause sitting is sitting, but those of you that spend mucho tiempo at a computer know exactly what I'm talking about) when I hear the wind kick up. Hard.

It had been consistently windy yesterday, there were wind advisories, wompwompwomp... But out of nowhere last night the gusts from hell started and all I could say was, "Holy Wind-tunnel, Batman!" I kept waiting for the roof to lift off like the lid on an open tin can. The trailer was shaking. Boo's little jackets that are hanging right over to the right of me were rocking on their hangers. By this time, it's going on 1am and I'm the only one awake. I'm futzin' around with my email so I can change accounts and send out those Jas pics to my full-friends-and-family-address-book. Plus, I've got another tab open doing something on this site (cause tabbed browsing is the best invention EVER and I can not, for any amount of love or money, sit and only do one thing at a time on the computer, it would kill me!). I'm considering writing a post about the tropical storm that's going on just on the other side of the wall because the rain had started teeming and then...

*BLIP* I am in complete and total darkness. So I navigate my way out of the computer room, which, btw, is No Small Feat considering the cluster fuck that my house was thanks to my son and our non-perishable shopping that I decided, 'I'll just clean this up in the morning cause I'm going to break in my new 'puter chair!' Five minutes pass before I have navigated myself ( all 19.2 feet ) to the kitchen table where I keep my scented candles, and get one lit so I can pee, even if I can't flush without power. Hubby (who woke up cause his C-pap machine stopped working) calls from the back room for me to find the cell phone and the power bill with the emergency power outage number... Did I mention that our 'filing system' would make CPA's cry? (W. on cocaine is more organized... The monkey house at the zoo is more organized...) Like anything paid and or debit/credit card receipts are stuffed in a shoebox under the couch. The newest box is about a month old, half full, and recently emptied completely and re-filled by Jas in a precise toss-it-into-the-box-from-5-feet-away-and-make-sure-to-add-any-paper-anything-you-can-find-since-we're-playing-paper-basketball manner.

Twenty-seven minutes later, I dig out the only piece of power bill in the box with a phone number on it, call the number and get the recorded warning that it's taking 5 minutes for a live person to get to your call that is so im-fucking-portant to them (while they refill their coffee and discuss The Biggest Looser amongst themselves instead of answering your call) Fourteen minutes on hold later, I get to report the outage to a live human being (who was very nice cause she had fresh coffee, and everyone agreed that her favorite would, in fact, be The Biggest Looser). I blow out the candles and follow hubby back to bed where we try to fall asleep. Cause really, when it's almost 2am and there's no power, what else is there to do, right? *sigh* Damn.

Huh? It's 6:50 already and I need to make hubby's lunch (cause if he can make it to work after 4 hours sleep, the least I can do is make him a ham sandwich).

Huh? My thumb and forefinger are all swollen and itchy-hurtey. I have since figured out that it was from the oily-type stuff on the Allen wrench I used to put the chair together, which, I washed off after I put the chair together the wrong way... But, since I only had to unscrew and re-screw four screws to put it together the right way, I didn't trip on washing my hands when I was done. Instead, I immediately turned on the computer and started playing. When the power went out, so did the well's electric pump and then I couldn't wash my hands. The oily-type stuff sat on my thumb and forefinger for the rest of the night. Apparently, my skin was not amused.

Huh? Got online this morning and found out that Izzy and Bambi are both leaving Grey's... I KNEW Izzy got the wrong blood work back from the lab! Denny wouldn't have shown up if she only had anemia. I don't think the after-world would give you a visitation pass for anemia. I'm thinking brain cancer myself... And Bambi (aka George)... ahhh no great loss. He's barely even been seen this season and has no real story line left. Ciao Skippy.

Huh? I'm trying to get some online swag? When did I become a swag chaser? I don't know, but Eighty MPH Mom has got a contest going for some Burt's Bees (ends 2/16 @ midnight so hurry if you're interested!) and I'm all over her comment page trying to win it... Plus, Jen's got a fantastic new layout going on, and The Down's Gang is having a contest to give away a blog makeover (Contest Ends 02/16/09 at 11:59 P.M. CST) for you from Southern Girl Designs just like Jen! ~ And then Twitter Moms is having a blog contest (Deadline to enter is Tuesday, Feb. 24 at 6 p.m. PST) where the prizes include Amazon gift cards and free services from Yeap, going after this one too.

And they say a SAHM's life is boring... Registered & Protected

Monday, February 9, 2009

Angelika, Augusten, Jen, and monday

Oh, y'all I am SO ready to post this morning! You know how I can tell it's time? Because I was over at Angelika's blog, picking up another triple award *ahem, I'll break here until the applause dies down!* and when I left the comment, I damn near spiel-ed off into a multi-paragraphed rant about how I refuse to capitalize the word monday anymore, because I refuse to bow down to it. Capitalization only gives monday more power than it should have. monday is an egomaniac anyway, I mean you don't see Tuesday looking for all sorts of attention now do you?

Non-writing-bloggers, this tip is for you; when you find yourself on the giving end of a several paragraph comment or review that is totally off blog post topic, THIS is when you needNeedNEED to write a post. It means that your head is full and you cannot stand not putting fingers to keyboard any longer. Just one of those useful little FYI tips I like to hand out to my fellow bloggers now and then...

I'm also over in another tabbbie clearing out the emails that accumulated from Saturday morning to today, and I'm noticing, not for the first time, that since I wrote the post about the spam-mails, I've been getting loadsLoadsLOADS of them in my inbox. Who knew spammers could give out karmic retribution?!?

Anyway, I'm going through the email, and I see that I have several good ones ~ IE: ones that I'm actually going to read, not delete, mark as spam or mark as read and then file without so much as getting past the subject line. But I don't really want to read them right now... Why? Because then they will permeate my brain and dilute my thought process and thereby my writing... which I've decided last night to take to a higher level... like an actual book level. Which, honestly, I never thought I would do.

First of all, I don't see myself as creative, and second of all, I am super-extra-lousy at dialogue... so it never occurred to me to even consider writing a book. WhoTF do I think I am anyway? I mean really, I am so NOT Anne Rice, ya know? And then I started thinking to myself, "Aria, how the hell are you going to write a book and keep up with your blog at the same time? You're going to cross over each other and repeat yourself from blog to book, and book to blog and you're not that interesting to begin with, woman!"

So, after I kicked my brain in it's negative ass, I decided that ya know what, you don't get shit if you don't even try. Kind of like me with my silly little lotto tickets. I know the odds are huge and stacked against me, but you sure won't win if you don't buy a ticket at all. So, I'm buying my writing ticket. Not that I have any idea whatsoever about publishers and agents and book tours and whatever else is involved, but, I've also come to find out that sometimes ignorance really is bliss, cause honestly, would we do some of the things we've done if we had ANY idea at the outset how friggin' hard it was going to be? Mmmm probably not. Thank you for your ignorance Amerigo Vespucci and Columbus, right?

Yeah, so I'm going for it. I read Jen Lancaster's book Such a Pretty Fat, and something clicked over in my head... I can do this, and I must do this. Don't ask me where this type of thinking really comes from. Suffice it to say that I had the same feeling when I read Augusten Burroughs' book Magical Thinking~ I started the blog right after that, and here we are these several months later. BTW, my sister is so getting my book dedication, cause she turned me on to both of these books.

So, y'all that was my big weekend revelation, kind of like the one just 3 minutes ago, where I realized that I've been misspelling AugustEn Burroughs the entire time and for someone as name-obsessed as myself, that is just Fucking WRONG, and for those of you that have seen my early listings descriptions, you'll appreciate just how wrong and on how many levels...

So, y'all how's your monday? Registered & Protected

Friday, February 6, 2009

Tagged By Weirdness

I've been over here fed-up and furious & trying to come up with a way to write a post about it without talking out of school... Then I got this tag from Pehpot of Make or Break in my comments section, and decided that this would be way more fun for all of us ~ me to write and you to read ~ to do this tag post... Plus, it's got the added benefit of not getting me into trouble with hubby later.

RULES: People who get tagged need to write a blog post of 6 weird things about themselves as well as state this rule clearly. At the end of the post, you need to choose 6 or more people you know to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged" in their comments and tell them to read your blog for these rules. (...and to laugh at you! OK, I made that part up...)

Here's what I find funny about this tag ~ some of the things we do, we know are weird, but a lot of the things we do, are normal to us and weird to everyone else... sooooo many to choose, so few to post... LOL!!!

For your reading pleasure ~ my list of weirdness:

1. I hate mayonnaise and salad dressing. I only use mayo in three things; egg, potato, and tuna salad respectively, but the mayo has to be cut with mustard. I never ever eat it on sandwiches. I order any and all fast food burgers and such without mayo or without sauce. And I eat my salads dry or with some red wine vinegar. Actually, this applies to pretty much everything creamy or cream based. No alfredo, no guacamole, and if you really want me to puke, give me some sour cream. The smell stays in my nose forever and ruins my entire meal if it's even brought to the table. GAK.

2. I pay attention to numbers. I mean I do numerology calculations (adding each digit together to come up with one single digit number) for each and every single number that comes across my path in the course of a day. I do it with the time on a digital clock, I do it with the temperature on the bank sign. I do it with how I program the microwave to cook something. I do it with my twitter posts. I prefer three's and their multiples, but I notice when I'm picking up a lot of other numbers repetitively during a day, and then I have to go read up on what that number means in numerology in case the universe is trying to tell me something. Speaking of which, yesterday was two's, have to go look that one up... hmmm highly developed intuition...

3. I remember birthdays. I mean, like forever. I remember the birthday of everyone who's birthday I ever learned. I know my ex's birthdays... even the one's from grade school crushes and friends I had fallings out with that I haven't spoken to in over 20 years. Doesn't matter, I know their birthday. I remember them every year when I look over at the calendar and see it's their b-day. I always give them a little nod and silently wish them well too.

4. I am a closet hypochondriac. Every time something physical-symptomatic comes up, I immediately envision the worst case scenario. I'm pretty sure this stems from having both a grandmother and a mother that were RN's when I was growing up. We had a big medical dictionary in our house, and I would read it voraciously in spurts. Although I know this, it doesn't stop me from thinking that every chest cold is lung cancer and every headache is a radiating tumor and every pain whether it's in my arm or my jaw is thoroughly screened (by me) for worsening in case of it being a heart attack. Bug bites that I scratch in my sleep that take too long to heal are possibly AIDS. And depending on the severity of the heartburn, it's either an ulcer or stomach cancer. I don't tell anyone. I don't play the poor me card. I just let my neurotic brain torture me in outward silence as it internally tells me I'm going to die from my stubbed-toe-type-symptom until I can analyze the ache or whatever and talk my brain down. I can hold full coherent conversations with other people on any number of other topics while I'm having this internal hypochrondriac-freakout. They have no idea of the hell that my brain is attempting to put me through while we're talking.

5. Back in high school, I was a total hair-bear-band affecionado. Bon Jovi, Cinderella, Ratt, Poison, Van Halen... come to think of it, weren't most bands in the 80's hair-bear-bands?... but I digress... The weird comes in here; whenever I wanted to relax, I would lay on my bed with my jumbo-studio-type headphones on, head hanging over the edge, upside-down, and listen to an old cassette tape of my father's... Beethoven's 5th.

6. I'm going to end on some the-Universe-had-a-hand-in-this weirdness for my 6th thing... in less than a minute, you'll see why. My birthday is March 6th, 1971... numerologically, the year is a 9, so I'm a 3-6-9. My son was born on March 6th, 2007 ~ also a numerology 9 for the year... making him a 3-6-9. We are both Chinese astrology Boars. We were also born at the same universal time. What I mean by that is; I was born at 8:48 am Eastern time, he was born at 7:48 am Central time which makes us exactly 36 years apart. I always say that the unwrapping was a bitch, but it was the best birthday present ever.

OK... and now for the *ahem* lucky recipients of this tag... aren't y'all thrilled I consider you my blogging buds? LOL

Joan at The Retirement Chronicles
Tricia at 1StopMom
Brittany at Musings of a Barefoot Foodie
Kaye at Random WAHM Thoughts
Carole at Carole's Thoughtful Spot
Jen at Cheaper Than Therapy ~ Musings of a Mom of 3
and anyone else that wants to play...
but, if I didn't list you, please leave a comment so we can come check out your post...
it'll be easier to blackmail you later ;-)

Show us your weirdness! Registered & Protected

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Satan, Shoes and Tags

I'm having one hell of a time coming up with a post today. I'm fairly scatter-brained, even apres-coffee (my spell check doesn't speak French ~ apres means after, btw). And there's not much going on, except surfing other sites and enjoying the reads. Yesterday, I took the day off to clean the house like I did before we had Internet service. So I've got a bunch of random type thoughts but, ya know, not much else... Sorry, some days my posts simply suck, and this is probably going to be one of them.

1. When I called hubby at lunch today he was at Best Buy ~ yeah, no wonder he didn't call me ~ looking at plasma televisions. To which I just shake my head and say, "...sure, Darling, we'll put it on the 'what to do with the tax return' list." Here's what I've come to know about Best Buy. It's EVIL. Ask any woman, and she'll tell you. Best Buy is Satan-Store with less obvious alliteration. Every time a grown man goes into BB/SS the entirety of their common sense goes down the tubes. The sound system has subliminal siren-songs coming out of it. The salespeople are Fagin's minions in polo shirts.

2. Note to self: the old adage, "you get what you pay for" is true. The coffee pot that I got only a couple of months back was cheap as hell. It already needs replacing. It simply doesn't want to suck the water over the heating element and spit it onto my coffee grounds. I have to literally (get this!) pick it up about an inch off the counter and drop it, mid-brew for it to finish... which sucks, and makes me want to spit...

3. Have any of y'all gotten the Facebook tag, "25 Random Things"? I did. Let me tell y'all something... 25 is far too many things to know about me ~ or most people for that matter. How does anyone come up with all 25 if you've been tagged for anything else? Whomever came up with this one was an agoraphobic-busybody with a T-1 line. Anyone who can do all 25 without one of the 25 being, "Holy hell, I'm not done with this list YET?!?" is entirely too self-involved.

4. I should always get up and take 5 minutes outside of the computer room before I publish my posts... I almost always come up with really cool stuff I should have put into the post after I've published it, when I'm fixing my sandwich, or sitting on the toilet. And yet, somehow, I never seem to remember to take a break, and if I did, I'd probably forget to bring notepaper so I could remember my brilliance all 20 feet back to the computer.

5. Speaking of the toilet... What is it with toddlers and the toilet? Besides the complete and total EEEWWW factor (despite daily cleanings, it's just the thought!) from their parents, what calls them to put any number of things into the porcelain-god? I could understand it, if like my daughter, these things were put in for the wow factor that is flushing ~ but my son doesn't flush these items... he just plays with them in the water (EEEWWW again!) Seriously, these are some, some of the things I've found in my toilet this week, courtesy of my son... magnetic fridge letters (almost the entire alphabet), magnetic fridge numbers (almost enough to list the entire bail-out amount spent frivolously by banks and Wall Street executives), cat food, Chex Mix (sacrilege!), and last night's topper ~ His Shoes. And they wonder why so many moms drink their alcohol through a straw...

6. If you've made it this far... you must really be bored... LOL I thank you for forging through the sewage of this post. Great day to you! And leave a comment so I can come over to your site and visit a blog more worthy of reading than today's drivel from me... If you've got a button, I'll grab it while I'm there.

Damn, the bathroom trick didn't work. Guess you have to start with good stuff to utilize that tip... Registered & Protected

Monday, February 2, 2009

Where Is My Sign

I've got to tell y'all... I was Sooo riding the short bus this weekend. OMG.

How does a grown woman nearly drown in the shower?!? Well, first you start by taking a huge swig of mouthwash... get into the shower while swishing, and have some sort of communications meltdown between your brain and your throat. Somehow, get mouthwash into your lungs and start choking... Yeap, true story from this weekend. By the end of the shower I was still coughing up mouthwash-tasting-blue-tinged-froth out of my lungs.

I know I'm not the only one that has done something this stupid. I also know that I'm not the only one to get frustrated and ticked-off at myself for doing some of this stupid shit. Seriously, though, I may be the only one who gets SO ticked that they start talking to (yelling at) themselves with such ferocity that their spouse will look up, suddenly startled, and say, "I just caught that, and I KNOW that I didn't do THAT, so who are you talking to (yelling at) since I know (now) it isn't me?"

What other lunatic do you know that can be indecisive about going to the bathroom. Yeah, I said it, you didn't misread that. You start to head down the hall, but like three steps down the hall you remember something quick that you need to do in the kitchen, so you turn around, and then your realize that you really do have to pee, and it becomes an internal debate about which you're going to do first. Stupid.

Or like forgetting to eat... My sister, by the way, totally thinks this is hilarious ~ in a I-thought-there-was-survival-of-the-fittest-in-nature-so-how-the-hell-have-you-managed-to-survive-almost-38-years kind of way. It's true, I do. I totally forget to eat. I drink my coffee, I feed and change the munchkin, I do housework and laundry, and the like, and sometime around 4 pm I'll be sitting in front of the computer when my stomach will start growley-hurting and it usually takes me several minutes of pondering my day before I'll realize that I haven't eaten so much as a goldfish cracker all day. That growley-hurting is called HUNGER ya dumbass! Pop something in your piehole... DUH!

What kind of scares me about this stupidity... first of all, it's happening more often. Not like put-her-in-a-home often, but like once a week-ish at minimum. Secondly, I'm getting older, even though I haven't hit forty yet. In this particular situation, this is not a bonus. Think about it, if I'm not even forty and I'm getting this bad, I won't be fit to live on my own past, say, 45...? I'll be frying my shoes and drinking confetti. I'll drown in the shower for real because I'll be snorting body wash ~ because it smells good. By then I'll be defrosting water for dinner. I mean, if I'm acting this dain-brammaged now... OMG!

How screwed will I be in a few years? I'll be calling my own son by the (wrong) name Skippy. Eventually everyone will be Skippy ~ oh, wait, that has actually already happened... but by then, I'll do it cause I really can not remember people's correct names, instead of just being a wise ass. I already get lost in strip-malls, will I not be able to get to the gas station that is 4.6 miles away and one left turn out the driveway? I could get so bad that I forget how to make coffee! Naaah.

OK, so I've got that going for me... But really, c'mon... I'm becoming the person that Bill Engvall referred to when he said that stupid people should wear signs ~ so you know they're stupid and don't ask them anything or rely on them for anything. I can tell at this point, that it's a progressive stupidity disease, so I'm putting in my request now. Mr. Engvall, where's my sign? Registered & Protected