Wednesday, April 1, 2009

April Fools Day Foods

April Fools Day ~ a day of levity and pranksterisms... And yet, I've never been good at pulling off anything even remotely blogable on AFD. Unlike Barefoot Foodie, I don't have maternity pants and hot dog hands to blog about. All I can say about that is, two years later, I could still wear my maternity pants, except I hated buying actual maternity pants, and just got stuff from the women's section... in my defense, they're a little loose now. Which is surprising because I can't seem to get any good food in Texas unless I want to eat Mexican. I love Mexican food, but not if it's my one and only option, ya know. So I've been searching the web for some tastes of home that I can have shipped to me in order to create a decent facsimile that I can replicate here.

Because, I'd never have hot dog hands unless they were Italian Hot Dogs ~ for the uninitiated (or uncorrupted depending on how you look at it) an Italian Hot Dog consists of usually two dogs (preferably skin-on Sabrett's) that are laid to rest in the billowing depths of great Italian bread and covered over with sauteed red and green bell peppers and onions along with pan fried potatoes and topped off with mustard and ketchup... Mozzarella or Parmesan cheese sprinkled sparingly on top is optional. *DROOL* For Italian Hot Dogs, I'd gladly have hot dog hands... and most likely, chest pains.

But, just because I love them and am all interested doesn't mean I need to impose my love and interest on others. just like religion Speaking of imposing my interests on others, I could relay the most horrifying story I heard lately, but most of you don't know what in the world pork roll even is, and couldn't care less that an entire truckload went on it's side and hundreds of pounds of it was lost to the roads of New Jersey. I won't even hold your indifference against you, despite my personal belief that a state of emergency should have been declared.

I can tell you that it's far cheaper and easier to get Taylor Pork Roll delivered to Texas than it is to get Polly-O cheese, but I actually found a place that will deliver it outside the New York, New Jersey area... of course this was after 4 hours of searching all over the damn internet and grocery services and by the time I found it my exhaustion overruled my enthusiasm, probably because it was close to 5 am... But I did find it... The ONLY One on the entirety of the vast, vast internet that will send me my beloved Polly-O. Still can't find hubby's Cain's Tea though... at least not for delivery to us, which, let's face it, is all that matters to me when I'm partaking in consumerism.

You can find these things, but not for delivery to you in whatever area you're in. Simply because these companies are in big cities, I, in my countryside existence, am not worthy of receiving the best things the food industry has to offer. Cause I don't battle double-digit crime rates and a thirty-mile-three-hour-commute 5 days a week, I don't deserve to partake in the culinary delights of the big city folk. Is that what these places really think? I mean, come on!... oneOneONE grocer on the entire World Wide Web that will ship me a brand of cheese that is available in any and every grocery store in NJ? Conspiracy or web-piracy?

And, the tea issue is even worse! Wal-mart sells Cain's Tea, but only in select stores, and apparently none of those stores are in a 100 mile radius of anyone in my personal phone book. I can get moose meat from Alaska in three days, but here in the Houston area, I can't get Cain's tea from Oklahoma. Supposedly, it's distributed by Sara Lee food service, but they don't even list it on their website. It's a conspiracy... and web piracy, because when you do finally find someone that can get you what you want wherever you are, you'll pay damn near anything to get it. OK,it's probably not a full blown conspiracy, or outright piracy, but it's gotta be an April Fools at least.

At this point, I'm not sure I'm emotionally strong enough to investigate the availability of cannolis.

Note to self: Next time eat before posting. Registered & Protected


Brittany said...

Arizona doesn't have a Whataburger or Red Diamond Sweet Tea. FAIL FAIL FAIL.

Margo said...

After I read about the italian hot dog, I had to take a break before I fainted and eat something. I'm back now, and as someone who has moved around a lot, I thank you for this post. The food thing has always been one of my biggest adjustments :)

The Retired One said...

Like crack dealers...they get you hooked on their food products and then deny you of them.
There should be support groups for people that can't get them!!!!
Hello, my name is Aria and I'm a (fill in the blank with your favorite hard to get food product) addict...

Hi Aria....

The Retired One said...

You have won the Smart Blogger crawl on over to my Blog, honey...and read the rules and pick up your award.