Monday, February 2, 2009

Where Is My Sign

I've got to tell y'all... I was Sooo riding the short bus this weekend. OMG.

How does a grown woman nearly drown in the shower?!? Well, first you start by taking a huge swig of mouthwash... get into the shower while swishing, and have some sort of communications meltdown between your brain and your throat. Somehow, get mouthwash into your lungs and start choking... Yeap, true story from this weekend. By the end of the shower I was still coughing up mouthwash-tasting-blue-tinged-froth out of my lungs.

I know I'm not the only one that has done something this stupid. I also know that I'm not the only one to get frustrated and ticked-off at myself for doing some of this stupid shit. Seriously, though, I may be the only one who gets SO ticked that they start talking to (yelling at) themselves with such ferocity that their spouse will look up, suddenly startled, and say, "I just caught that, and I KNOW that I didn't do THAT, so who are you talking to (yelling at) since I know (now) it isn't me?"

What other lunatic do you know that can be indecisive about going to the bathroom. Yeah, I said it, you didn't misread that. You start to head down the hall, but like three steps down the hall you remember something quick that you need to do in the kitchen, so you turn around, and then your realize that you really do have to pee, and it becomes an internal debate about which you're going to do first. Stupid.

Or like forgetting to eat... My sister, by the way, totally thinks this is hilarious ~ in a I-thought-there-was-survival-of-the-fittest-in-nature-so-how-the-hell-have-you-managed-to-survive-almost-38-years kind of way. It's true, I do. I totally forget to eat. I drink my coffee, I feed and change the munchkin, I do housework and laundry, and the like, and sometime around 4 pm I'll be sitting in front of the computer when my stomach will start growley-hurting and it usually takes me several minutes of pondering my day before I'll realize that I haven't eaten so much as a goldfish cracker all day. That growley-hurting is called HUNGER ya dumbass! Pop something in your piehole... DUH!

What kind of scares me about this stupidity... first of all, it's happening more often. Not like put-her-in-a-home often, but like once a week-ish at minimum. Secondly, I'm getting older, even though I haven't hit forty yet. In this particular situation, this is not a bonus. Think about it, if I'm not even forty and I'm getting this bad, I won't be fit to live on my own past, say, 45...? I'll be frying my shoes and drinking confetti. I'll drown in the shower for real because I'll be snorting body wash ~ because it smells good. By then I'll be defrosting water for dinner. I mean, if I'm acting this dain-brammaged now... OMG!

How screwed will I be in a few years? I'll be calling my own son by the (wrong) name Skippy. Eventually everyone will be Skippy ~ oh, wait, that has actually already happened... but by then, I'll do it cause I really can not remember people's correct names, instead of just being a wise ass. I already get lost in strip-malls, will I not be able to get to the gas station that is 4.6 miles away and one left turn out the driveway? I could get so bad that I forget how to make coffee! Naaah.

OK, so I've got that going for me... But really, c'mon... I'm becoming the person that Bill Engvall referred to when he said that stupid people should wear signs ~ so you know they're stupid and don't ask them anything or rely on them for anything. I can tell at this point, that it's a progressive stupidity disease, so I'm putting in my request now. Mr. Engvall, where's my sign? Registered & Protected


The Retired One said...

Wait a minute there youngin'...!
Somewhere in there I THINK you insinuated that when you hit 45 (when you get REALLY OLD), that it will get worse????
From an old Cougar, I say to you:
(Wait a minute. What WAS I going to say to you?) I mean I was on the keyboard, but had to go to the bathroom, and then I had to go, umm..where was it now?)
I can relate to your post.
(Except the forgetting to eat part). Lord, woman...what planet ARE you from? (You must be an Alien!)

Aria said...

The Retired One ~ No... 45 isn't old, hell even 65 isn't OLD, but the way I'm going, I'll be acting like a 90 year old dementia sufferer by the time I'M 45. I make up for the forgetting to eat part by sitting down and watching TV at night... can you say Digital-Munchies?!? Trust me, one look at me, and it's obvious that I might miss lunch, but I sure don't miss cheesecake... or steak... or potatoes... or pasta... or... Gotta Go... Lunch is screaming my name Very Loudly!

Pearl said...

Oh, I laughed out loud at the thought of you calling everyone Skippy and snorting body wash.
Could it be that you're just not being stimulated enough and you're bored?
Girl, are you just acting up?!!!

pehpot said...

I am as lunatic as yuor bathroom routines.. LOL.. I start my morning, feed the kids.. wash the dishes, cook and remembers I hadn't peed since I woke up.. three steps from the bathroom I suddenly remembered, I had not drink coffee yet.. what I'll do first? bathroom? coffee? then a minute or so debate inside my head.. coffee? pee? coffee? pee?

Brittany said...

LOL Nope you are not the only one in life that does stupid crap. I can't ever seem to shake the stupid crap curse!

Aria said...

Pearl ~ everyone is Skippy be they Skippy-Jim or Skippy-Jane, at this point, I actually know their real names though... I haven't started snorting the body wash yet... give me time, I will.

Pehpot ~ See, I knew I wasn't the ONLY one to do that... we can be mentally defective together! ;-)

Brittany ~ You can ride the short bus with me, woman... I can use the company!

pehpot said...

Oh sure we are! I know it is weird that we forgot that we need to pee, but I want to hear weirder stuffs haha

I tag you with the weird tag.. I hope you play along.

Judith "Jlo" Quinton said...

LOL, Aria!
I sincerely hope you make it to your 40th before completely losing your mind!
BTW, your supportive letter/email was so appreciated! You are a great friend.
I am pretty well hunkered down and focused on the task right now and not out and about on the net.
Appreciate your continued thoughts.

Anonymous said...

Great place.
Please visit my site to have a wonderful time