Wednesday, May 13, 2009

All Hail Elmo, Friendo

For those of you that didn't see No Country for Old Men, that title may not make any sense. However for those of you that have; this is what I'm now calling my Totally Terrible Two-year-old. Friendo. OMG!

Yes, only two months into the terrible two's, y'all we are SO Screwed I am (we are) nearly ready to end his days with a compressed air canister and the flip of a coin... luckily for him, he keeps winning the toss.

My son is revisiting one of his old joys: the beloved "toilet toss" and adding some new tricks to his repertoire. I know that I've mentioned in an earlier post that electronics and toilet water don't mix... Wanted to let y'all know that it hasn't changed. Water still destroys electronics.

Especially when your two year old washes his father's cell phone in the toilet and then turns around and washes it some more in the sink... so that Daddy has to order a new one to the tune of $80 after $150 in 'discounts' even though we totally can't afford it cause we're trying to survive on unemployment you mini-minion!!! Later that night, an entire brand-new-jumbo-roll of toilet paper got tossed in for fun. And on Mother's Day the munchkin had to wear his old shoes because the new ones got tossed in and then a couple of towels got thrown in on top of that and then some toys to round off potty mountain... so, I was already wheeling out the compressed air canister when...

Two nights ago he decided to 'what-the-bleepin-bleep-did-you-do?!?' to the disc drawer on the regular DVD player and it was stuck half in, half out. At that point Daddy did the coin toss and lucky for the kid, the kid won. We dismantled the DVD player from the system, and then dismantled it in and of itself. We managed to fix it (otherwise another coin toss would have ensued, and this time hubby would have used a double sided coin) and reassemble the unit itself and then put the whole system back together. Eye-frickin-Roll! But seriously, I'm nearly afraid to imagine what the hell this kid's going to come up with next...

He already turns on my computer every time the door to that room is left open even a crack, and if it's already on... let's just say that no file is safe (a note here to my faithful readers; if I stop posting without notice, it's because he managed to destroy my computer and I am totally going to be on the 6 o'clock news, so keep an eye out, I'll wave to y'all *manic smile*).

And I feel bad for hubby cause this is his first full-time-hands-on parenting gig. He's 45, and before me he lived alone for 5 years... the man is Absolutely NOT Prepared for this. He is just now having the real reason for, "buy the cheap one" dawn on him. It's not because I'm cheap. It's because even if it's built like a Sherman Tank, a two-year-old can, and will, destroy it.

A two-year-old has a direct, private line straight into Hell itself. A two-year-old knows exactly what to play with and or break, that will make his parents ponder crossing over to the dark side. A two-year-old knows exactly what it will take to get his or her parents to start calling them "Friendo".

Kids are cute in self-defense, and that coupled with scenes from CSI flashing through our skulls at opportune moments, somehow dissuade parents from popping them in the forehead, therefore, these children are still alive today. But it's a coin toss nearly every day. Once in a while God has mercy on us and the child mellows out for a day (or like 12.2 minutes when he's sleeping), but it's few and far between all the *sarcasm*WOHNDERFUL*sarcasm* things these kids come up with to torture us. And my son is a friggin' master in that department. He's becoming the Rembrandt of parental water-boarding.

At this point, I'm just thankful that he's not in daycare, because I can imagine it now. With him being this adept at *ahem* mischief without outside help or influence from other two-year-olds. If he was socializing with other munchkins daily, he'd become their revered leader and they'd take over the world, one cell-phone-in-the-poo-water at a time. Luckily for me (and you), I know how to usurp this world domination plot (aside from containing it within my own walls)...


When Elmo speaks, two-year-olds listen.

All hail Elmo.

That squeaky-voiced-Muppet will save us all. Registered & Protected


The Retired One said...

My granddaughter is 19 months and when she is here, I literally am on the floor beside her every moment (Elmo is there sometimes too, we are a dynamic trio!) because you never know what distraction will strike her. I have to be really inventive to keep her busy with the "good" toys.
It helps though that Grandma toys are new to her (different than the ones she has at home) so we keep her out of trouble.
They are adorable!
(Othewise we would kill them).haha

Angelika said...


Evan knocks toilet paper in the toilet now, but he never did that crap when he was two or 3.


Someone suggested I have another baby to forget about the puberty I'm dealing with now.

I said "NO, because that precious baby will eventually be 13".

This just cements my opinion that I cannot go through all of that (and this) again!

myra said...

And think it only gets worse form here oh i mean better lol good luck. but we still love them no matter how mad they make us.

Military Momz said...

We had to have our septic tank pumped many moons ago, due to our little one (who is now 14) flushing a brand new bar of soap. LOL.