Lord, Help Me, It's Monday

Dear Lord God Almighty,

I humbly beseech you for help, it's Monday and I can't drag my sorry butt into this week. I don't have time to be tired or lazy or sick, I have a blog to post and a turbo-tot to chase and a house to reconstruct after a family weekend.

You know, God, the weekend where hubby and I ran around like lunatics all day Saturday getting things done and making the home-front all sparkly-shiny. Then, on Sunday, my body said, "Screw you Aria, I'm sick and I'm sleeping and there's nothing you can do about it!" which, it turns out, is man-code for: eat like you're never going to get salsa again, and make as big a mess as you can without making too much noise, cause that'll set off the mama-alarms and you'll have to deal with sick-mama (who is as far from happy-mama as it gets) and it will completely ruin your day. But then be a total dumb-ass and turn up the TV so loud that it wakes the snarling-sick-mama-beast and she ruins your day anyway... just when you were about to coast through moderately unscathed. Fucking-Duh.

So God, I ask you for your help because every inch of my body hurts. My hair hurts. My eyelashes need Tylenol. I have aches in places that should not hurt without strenuous exercise, and by strenuous, I don't mean walking to the kitchen upright. I am also full-body tired. My left arm wants a nap. My right butt-cheek is already asleep. And my brain is obviously turned off, cause this post is making very little sense whatsoever.

And God, I also have housework to do. I have to clean the toilet and bathroom sink and fold the laundry that never made it's way out of the dryer Saturday evening. I have to wash the dishes because what started yesterday morning as two cups from the night before, has turned into several plates, bowls and a couple more cups. If I don't do it today, I'll have too much to fit into the drain board. And you know I hate that. The living room is a total cluster-fuck and it's making me claustrophobic. I'm having trouble making it to the couch so I can die in front of the only TV with antenna reception (now, that hubby completed his 'must do this weekend without any planning at all' project. Thanks so very much, hubby.) Also the garbage is overflowing again cause by Texas state law, only women are allowed to take out garbage. I didn't realize it was official, but apparently that law was passed right after Ann Richards left office.

And then, God, there's my munchkin. My adorable gift, from You. The gift you gave me with unfailing batteries and an unquenchable desire for knowledge. The gift that has no off button and only two speeds; sleeping and running. My gift that is all boy, and loves to throw and headbutt ~ EVERYTHING. That's the only way I can put it cause to list everything that he's thrown and headbutted, would take so long, I'd need a lunch break... as it is, I need body armor.

So, in short, Lord, please help me, because it's Monday... or please help me to not give a damn enough to crawl back into bed and play dead really well for several hours. Thank you.

In Jesus' name,
Amen

LMFAO Friday #5

Happy Friday, y'all... here we are, on our shaky-legs with wild-eyes and crazy-hair, staggering into another weekend after the work week has had it's way with us... Here's some laughter to return you to your non-work-psychotica-self!

see more pwn and owned pictures

Yeah! And that goes double for all you fishermen too!




see more pwn and owned pictures

and they wonder why the divorce rate spikes during moving season




see more pwn and owned pictures

Can I get an a-schizzle-bo-bizzle-men, Brother Snoop?




see more pwn and owned pictures

With one spark of genius, Barney got the woodworking contract at the new men's club...




see more pwn and owned pictures

Atheist vandalism




see more pwn and owned pictures

After a mall makeover, the girls tried to take their angry pygmy out for coffee. Once the waitress stopped screaming clawing her eyes and muttering something about the undead in makeup, they decided the disguise wasn't going to work, and to just call it a day.

Kreativ and Passionate

I'd like to say, thank you to Joan at The Retirement Chronicles and Military Momz both of whom gave me this award...



And thanks again Joan for this award


Neither of which I had before... So, awesome, cause I love awards, even if I don't post them immediately...

For the Kreativ Bloggers Award, you are supposed to name 7 other bloggers to give the award to. In addition, the award winner must list seven things they really like.

So for my Kreativ 7 things that I really like...

1. Coffee. Love it. Cannot go without it. Can be very not-nice until I've had some, so I love it on both a psychological and a physical level.

2. Writing. Love it. Cannot go for long without doing it. I talk in my head about things like I'm posting when I'm not engaged in conversation. And when I am in conversation, sometimes I take notes so I can blog it later... this is rare I swear... usually I just remember it without taking notes...

3. My Kids. Not only do I love them, but I like them too. Somehow, despite myself, they're great people. I am honored to have them in my life ~ even on the days when one of them makes me crazy... cause I realize that 'make parents crazy' is part of their job description.

4. Architecture. Building design intrigues me, soothes me, and ignites my imagination. The Frick Museum in NYC is my fave cause it combines great architecture with an amazing art collection. If you like either of these things and happen to be in the area... Go. Today. And bask in the knowledge that I'm envious of your visit.

5. Movies. Everything but scary ones can get me to sit immobile for hours. And comedies are my lifeblood... although now that Daniel Craig is James Bond... (pause for yum factor) I'm enjoying Bond flicks more and more.

6. Housework. Yeah, I know you're rubbing your eyes, rereading this one, and thinking that you want to be on the drugs I must be taking. Let me clarify. I almost never enjoy the actual DOING of the housework. But when it's all done, I have a sense of accomplishment, and when I'm all cleaned up from cleaning up, and I sit down and look around at our nice clean home, I kinda get the warm-fuzzies.

7. Sleeping. This is probably because I'm not getting to much sleep time in these days. Since the munchkin started bouncing out of his 'cell' and opening doors, I have to stand watch every night until he's asleep so that he doesn't go in and wake up Daddy... which he totally will, cause he's a Daddy's Boy and Daddy needs to get up and put in a 12 hour day 5 days a week, so I play Living Room Goalie to keep the boy from going any further up the hall than the living room. Currently, I'm rocking a max of 5 hours sleep a night cause I've given birth to the Energizer Bunny on meth.

Ok, that's seven... and as far as awarding them to others... If you're on the blog roll, or if I follow your blog, but you aren't on the blog roll; please, by all means, help yourself to either one or both of them... You're worthy cause I don't follow or blogroll crap.

A Flag On A Stick

I've been getting a newsletter with work at home opportunities for several months now. I've also been getting really frustrated... for the last three weeks in a row, the only jobs I want to apply for are based in and around the area I lived in... in California... for 17 years. Now, I'm finding these great jobs in that area...

The one today was for a person to take home pictures over a three county area. I fit all the qualifications, could take the munchkin with me cause he loves the car and it's an on call position. The way our situation is right now, it'd be nice to have the extra money, but we don't have to have it (thank you God). Perfect job on all fronts, I meet all of the requirements to a tee. I even know where I'm going in that area, so no 'lost in the strip mall' syndrome. But... it's in California. I'm in Texas.

And this is just the latest one that's hit me in the face over the last three weeks from this newsletter. I was so irked by the first two that I just deleted them. This is by far, the most perfect one, but the other two would have suited me quite well. I probably could have handled this one and one of the other ones in tandem and been just dandy. But... I'm in Texas.

I don't know why, after almost three years in Houston~ish, I'm now getting hit with all this Northern California stuff... as in: If you were in Northern California, you could have this going on! You'd think that a dash of homesickness would have hit me when I first got here, not now. Not almost three years later, when things are going fairly well for us. We even looked at new trailers this weekend. You can pray for us, cause we can't afford a single-solitary one yet, but even being several months off, we wanted to look.

And looking was fantastic. They actually have brand new ones in our price range that I could see us living in. Of course, me... the dreamer, the optimistic just-in-case-I-wanna-look-at-the-Gucci-one-just-to-see-it woman that I am, feel head-over-heels in love with the one that's more than twice what we want to spend. Then again, you can't blame me; the master bathroom was a religious experience. And it was a 4 bedroom with hardwood floors and double-sided glass cabinets in the kitchen with over 2300 sq feet of living space (reminder: we're in less than 600 sq ft now). And they're turning over their inventory, so it was reduced and they offered to throw in the furniture. They had three other ones that are only a smidgen over our original want-to-spend, and I'd be happy with any of them.

But, when I pray about it, I always ask God for the Gucci one, because it's like the Robin Williams comedy routine he does about the invention of golf. Say this in a very thick Scottish brogue ~ a la Mrs. Doutfire, "... and a the end, we'll put a flag on a stick... to give ya fuckin' hope..."

That Gucci trailer gave me "fuckin' hope" which, with my previously discussed bad attitude, I needed desperately. So, yeah, I'm still kinda irked about the Norcal jobs coming up, and I may never again see the inside of that Gucci trailer, but I have seen the flag on the stick, and I'm (we're) going to be OK... or amazingly-fantastically-wonderful even.

Schedule Schmedule

How difficult is it to create a post about nothing? Shouldn't be too hard, right? I mean Seinfeld had a hit show for how-many-years based on the concept of nothingness. I'm sure y'all are so very interested in the fact that I'm attempting to put myself on a schedule.

Can I just tell you... I'm a Pisces. Scheduling and I are NOT natural bed-fellows. I'm more akin to the proverbial fart in the wind... I just kinda go where things take me. Which is all well and good when you have a two-year-old cause he's not in school yet. But when you're trying to save for a new trailer and run a blog, a household and keep-up with a turbo-tot, well scheduling becomes a necessity, even if I view it as mounting-monotonousness with no hope of escape. Root canals have the potential for being more desired... the proceedure and it's after-effects last a day or three, and you get some decent drugs to get through it. Not so for scheduling, which seems completely unfair. I would think you'd deserve some drugs for becoming a clock-watching robot.

I'm one of those people that can't exercise for three days straight, much less do anything else. Even the Prilosec that I Can NOT Go Without for a full 24 hours because if I do, I'll be hosting an angry dragon in my chest... Yeah, I still *coughbeenonthemforyearscough* have to keep it in my main viewing space so that I remember to take it, and that doesn't always work ~ which I always seem to remember after eating the extra-greasy pizza followed by the chocolate covered pretzels for dessert washed down by something bubbly which guarantees that the stomach acid will be transported with a lightening-quickness to the back of my throat.

I consider it a personal victory if I manage to take 10 days of antibiotics without missing more than two doses. And don't ask me how I've managed to have dinner on the table when hubby comes home nearly every night for almost three years... I simply don't know how I've done it ~ if I did know, this scheduling thing would be no big deal, but I don't. It falls into the "Mysteries of the Universe" category alongside 'where one sock in a pair goes when it disappears from the dryer'.

So, back to the scheduling, which btw, I've managed to misspell this entire post and had to fix ~ subliminal disdain? I think so ~ Scheduling may well be my white whale. The thing that if I master it in this lifetime, my days will have been well spent, but so far... not so hot. In my defense, I will say that it's easier to schedule when you have school aged children in the house, or a job to go to. Then the scheduling is built-in. The list of my have-to-at-a-certain-time consists of two things; make hubby's lunch before he leaves at roughly 7am, and make hubby's dinner before he gets home at roughly 7pm. That leaves a great big 12 hour window of non-time-constraint time open for me to not schedule.

I mean I have my list of things to do, which tends, usually, sometimes, to kind of get done and definitely will if I'm totally in the mood on any given day. The house is clean by the time hubby gets home at night, and if it isn't then it seriously will be by tomorrow, cause I can't go more than one full day... for the most part...

I think this may be ex-husband backlash, cause he was the kind of person that has every gift put away and the floor vacuumed within half an hour of opening the last Christmas present. Whenever we moved, every single box and bag was emptied and the contents in their rightful place by sundown on the second day of having keys. He was also very vocal about this being critical. Current hubby cares... but not so much. He knows that I can't stand a ghetto-shack house. He knows I can't go for more than 24 hours without at least straightening, if not a full spring cleaning (depending on my woman-cycle). He knows I'll get to it. He doesn't trip or make comments. Then again hubby is also a Pisces and tends to be less uptight than the ex ~ about the housework anyway.

What I find hilarious about me and scheduling; I buy day planners like... well, like serial killers buy Catcher in the Rye. And I still can't get it down. I either write down my list in the little time-slot lines and then don't look at the book for the rest of the day, or I write down all that I did that day when I'm all finished for the day ~ which turns it into more of a mundane-shit-I've-done diary than a planner. I know, one of these days, it's gonna click for me. I'm totally gonna get it, and from there on out it'll be a breeze and I'll be doing the V-8 head-pop on myself cause then I'll be like, "fucking Duh, Aria! How long did it take you to figure this out?!?"

But until then... I'll struggle with my mental block. I'm gonna go, cause I've got a schedule to keep ~ READ: a buncha stuff I have to get done a few times this week, God willing, and I'm gonna try to make a dent in them, cause at this point, I still have the give-a-damn to actually get it done. And oh-hey, will ya look a that, it's not even noon yet ~ which means it's all good. Schedule Schmedule. Where's my day planner?...

LMFAO Friday ~ First Day of Spring Edition

Lets get right to it today shall we... I don't know about you, but I NEED some good solid Ha-ha's this week!



see more pwn and owned pictures

For the first time in her life, Jackie wished she hadn't dropped calculus.




see more pwn and owned pictures

You mean to tell me quartet means four? Really? Well, Golly! Let me tell Brian... hey Brian, we didn't need your cousin Norman in the picture after all...




see more pwn and owned pictures

Talk about catering to your clientele ~ this is from the Safeway located one block from the Betty Ford Clinic




see more pwn and owned pictures

It took several minutes for the final penalty ruling ~ the referees couldn't decide if a reverse wedgie was worth 15 yards or half the distance to the goal line...





Damn kid taking up all the space... how am I supposed to get both gallons of milk?




see more pwn and owned pictures

We got evicted for having too many people in a one bedroom apartment, so we loaded up our vehicle and left.




see more pwn and owned pictures

Jack was happy now that Lisa had talked him into the additional insurance at the rental counter...




see more pwn and owned pictures

In Da Ghetto, we keep the Shampagne next to the Champoo...

You Never Know

I'm not gonna lie, things with me, personally, have been kind of suckish for like a week now. In part because I have too much time to think, but also cause my thoughts are completely disorganized and pretty fuckedupnegative.



But then Natasha Richardson, with her beauty and fame and money, and awards, and acting-royalty family, and cool-ass hubby and two cute kids and makemewantone British accent... dies... at 45... after a lesson on the bunny slope. And all I can think to myself ever since it happened is; where but for the grace of God go I... and don't ask me for the chapter and verse cause I totally don't know it. And I keep picturing Liam Neeson in Love Actually cause his character's wife died in that movie, and I just keep hearing him say, "...my darling girl".



So. So. So. Sad. Cause you never know... and doing something seemingly innocuous can be the beginning of your end. And now I need to go get my head right (as well as I'm able, cause I'm not sure I'm ever really right in the head), because I'll be damned if the last thought going through my noggin is gonna be negative or self-loathesome or criticizing my life and my choices that I can't even change cause it's all in the past, or other ugly shit like that... because you really never know. And I want to go contented and laughing, so AriaInMyHead, shut the hell up and get out, you're fired...

And Natasha Richardson's friends and family: I know I'm Ms. NoBigDealBlogWriterAria living in Houston~ish, but my prayers are with you.

Sharing My Cheesecake

Getting back to some semblance of normal. My Girl went home last week... don't get me started.

My blog reconstruct is complete enough for me to not have nightmares about it [just a note here, if you're looking for your badge or networking reciprocal link ~ it may have been moved, check Relating (for social networking) or It's Just Business (for directory buttons) pages]... now I just have to update all my listings so they know where to find the links so they quit dinging me on my rankings... Just when you think you're done, you realize how much more you have left to do (true of website and home ownership)...

And soon, really really soon now I can relax and just write for y'all, and visit and comment on your blogs, and answer comments here, and drink coffee from my new birthday giftie from Jos ~ a completely customized, by My Girl, 20oz coffee mug (perfect size) ~ and yes, I've given up the pink-shit cause I don't want this mug to die.

I also replaced my RAM with the help of our friend Don, who I've mentioned before cause he lives and breathes computers, I especially want to thank him cause I woke him up Saturday morning for the specs I suck sometimes too and am now rocking 1 gig... mind you it's been raining and foggy and even with a new external modem I'm only pulling a top speed of 21K out of my phone line... but that's to be expected with country living so I've learned.

Anyway, now that all the excitement and upheaval and other life-stuffs are behind me for now (they'll totally come up again, but hopefully not all at the same time; crossing fingers) I want to thank three blog authors for giving me awards while my head was up my ass so I didn't even acknowledge getting them cause I suck so much sometimes.

Thank you Pehpot of Make or Break and Kaye of RandomWAHMThoughts and Joan of The Retirement Chronicles for all bestowing upon me the same award... Does this make my blog Triple-Uber-Amazing?




Uber (synonym to Super) Amazing Blog Award is a blog award given to sites who:

~ inspire you

~ make you smile and laugh

~ or maybe give amazing information

~ a great read

~ has an amazing design

~ and any other reason you can think of that makes them uber amazing!

* Copy the badge and put the logo on your blog sidebar or post.

* Nominate at least 5 blogs (can be more) that for you are Uber Amazing!

* Let them know that they have received this Uber Amazing award by commenting on their blog.

* Share the love and link to this post and to the person you received your award from.

* Come back and comment here so that your link could be added to the master list of awardees.

My list of Uber-Amazing Recipients:


1stopmom
In Pursuit of Fulfillment
70 Plus and Still Kicking
jill jill bo bill
Pearl, why you little...
Mama's Losin' It

And Kaye of RandomWAHMThoughts also gave me the Friends Award... So thank you again, Kaye!




These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to those bloggers who must choose at least 5 more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.

Friends Award Recipients:
Same list as above
AND ADD

Make or Break
The Retirement Chronicles
Cheaper Than Therapy - Musings of The Mom Jen
Barefoot Foodie
[zany life + crazy faith]
The Greer 5

Congratulations Y'all... now go and pass 'em on, or as I call it ~ Share Your Cheesecake!

A Whole Lotta Suckin' Goin' On

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood... OK, not really. It's foggy and the light is gray so a little depressing with a smidgen of spooky. Not to mention that it's a monday (lowercase m intended!) but, hey, it's a brand new day, a brand new week, and that's worth some celebration.

Last week wasn't all bad, but it wasn't fantastic either. Wednesday, My Girl went home, which sucked big fat donkey rocks. On the upside, we managed to get her home with absolutely everything that she came with ~ minus one sock, just like doing laundry! ~ I am so going to ask God about the one sock mystery of the universe when I get to heaven which is a big deal, because normally a Jos visit is followed up about a month later with a Jos care package that contains several items that didn't make it back into the suitcase.

Speaking of suitcases... Ummm can I just say, "Continental Airlines... WTF?!?!?" As in WTF, when did you stop including a single-less-than-50-lbs suitcase in the price of a ticket? Honestly, carry-on included, one suitcase weighing less than my two-year-old... not included. Are y'all kidding me? I just spent an additional $75 Each Way (also up by $25) for unaccompanied minor fees, and y'all are going to charge me $15 for ONE normal-weight-no-frills suitcase? Thank goodness that my ex-husband called to let me know about that when she flew out, or I'd have been blindsided and possibly not able to pay it. totally went over budget during Jos visit Greedy airlines bastards! The gas prices have come down by half, and you're still holding onto this fee... in this economy... when you should be happy to have any passengers at all? Continental ~ You Suck.

Another thing that happened this weekend that sucked; a parking space thief. We were at Best Buy no shock on Saturday, when I found this great parking space after several go-rounds of the lot, which was packed solid. The car in it was getting ready to leave, so I sit... and wait... with my blinker on... for a full three minutes for the departing vehicle to get out of my way... they get all the way out ~ Only To Have A No-Account-MFing-Cword-SOB-CS-Effing-Troll-Monkey pull through from the other side and steal my spot. How shall I say, ummm... I came straight off the chain. Two days later I can still see that car in my head and want with every fiber in me to take a baseball bat to it and it's driver. Self-absorbed No-Account-MFing-Cword-SOB-CS-Effing-Troll-Monkey! Did they think that in a completely packed-like-sardines parking lot some other person would NOT be trying to get into that spot? No, they decided that they were too special to have to use reverse and back out of a parking space. No-Account-MFing-Cword-SOB-CS-Effing-Troll-Monkey you are so effing lucky that you came out of the store and didn't find your front end completely bashed in and your car set on fire because I was PMS-ing, got 5 hours of sleep, and had already told hubby that I was done for the day two stores ago, but he didn't listen. So I'll just say this, Mr/Mrs/Ms Parking-Space-Stealer ~ and you know who you are cause I yelled very ugly things at you before you got out of your car because you are a total space-stealing-chickenshit ~ You Suck.

And last but not least, from my glorious weekend outtings...

Dear Denny's Waitress,
Your coffee cups are minuscule, do not disappear for 15 minutes when you have customers with coffee needs. Also, do not emerge from the back and ignore every other customer in your station when bringing other tables their drinks, as it will piss off the other thirsty customers and you may get an empty coffee cup to the back of the skull. Also, I know you're fatter-n-a-cow, but so am I, and I can still walk faster than 1-mile-per-hour when I'm working in a service industry. Also, ignoring tables, especially when they're right there by the kitchen and can see you running your lips to other wait-persons like you're trying to win a talking contest is not the wisest of actions. Doing these things will ensure that you get no tip, not even a penny picked up from the floor... as you now know from experience.

Signed,
Bitch with empty coffee cup that left you no tip.

PS. You need to find another job and quit giving waitresses a bad name with your lousy service.

PPS. You Suck.

Aria'z Ink Under Construction

As you may have noticed, Aria'z Ink is undergoing a major overhaul.

Things are going well and preliminary launch is set to be ready by Sunday, March 15, 2009.

Thank you for your patience, and check back Monday March 16th for the new post.

Great day to you!

Aria

LMFAO Friday #3

Well, y'all, I'm back... slightly puffy-eyed, but much better now. Had a great visit with my girl!!! Watching Jos and Jas play together was incredibly terrific, and thanks to that mental image and how it warms the cockles of my twisted little heart, I'm in the mood to spread some laughter, so let's get to it, shall we...

Oops, before we do, I need to pick a winner from my only-a-couple-not-funny-comments... Way to rise to the occasion people. You're outpouring of give-a-damn was underwhelming. SO disappointing in fact, as were the comments on the last two giveaways, that I'm not giving away anything anymore. Y'all are S.O.L. in the giveaways department, just like I'm apparently S.O.L. in the comments department. Except for The Retired One and Military Momz ~ thank you ladies for making me not feel invisible! While Military Momz is listed in the top commenter section... The Retired One is far and away the winner when it comes to comments, therefore, Joan, congrats, you get the hat. Aside from that, y'all are fired.

Now that I'm good and depressed about my practical anonymity and my hopes of gaining a few followers through my giveaways being dashed to smithereens... I need my Friday LMFAO!!! So let's go~

ok, to be fair, some of these are more OMFG than LMFAO, but...

see more pwn and owned pictures

"...this was the scene today, moments before little Sue was taken into protective custody. Sue's father, Rob, claimed that Mickey offered him six figures to allow Sue to pose for this picture. Mickey and Rob are both being held without bail on several charges, including child pornography..."




see more pwn and owned pictures

Superman's secret exposed... next time on A Current Affair




see more pwn and owned pictures

The battle that Gloria Steinham lost




see more pwn and owned pictures

When the gypsies refuse to take your kids, don't despair, just take 'em to Shoeless Joe's Bar and Restaurant!




see more pwn and owned pictures

Linda couldn't understand why she was having such a hard time selling her car...




see more pwn and owned pictures

For some reason, Jack couldn't decide whether he was coming or going today.





see more pwn and owned pictures

What about chickens? Will you still take chickens?

This is NOT a Post Post

This is not a real post ~ this is a mini-post telling you why I won't be posting until Friday, March 13th... I thank you in advance for your understanding.

Today was the munchkin's 2 year-old checkup (he's healthy, he's 35" tall and he didn't cry when he got his shot or blood work done.) Then we girls had to go shopping, which ate up the morning (very pleasantly, might I add!) This afternoon, I'm going to spend with the kids ~ we're going to eat our body weight in popcorn and watch movies that will make us laugh till soda shoots out our noses...

Tomorrow is hubby's birthday, and even though he has to work, my girl and I are going to cook him a special dinner after we've spent the day having tickle fights, chasing the munchkin (and having him chase us) all over the house to peals of squealing laughter.

Wednesday we're going to pack and wash and clean up to make sure my girl doesn't forget anything. All the while trying to not bust into tears because she's going home and God only knows when we'll see each other in person again.

Wednesday night she'll get on the plane in a flash of blond hair and I'll break down completely, prompting airport employees to attempt to offer assistance, only to be waived off until the plane gets into the air. Then I'll blindly sob myself with wracking breaths all the way back to the car... and will continue for the rest of the two-plus-hour drive home from North Houston...

Thursday, I'll be having my ImissmygirlGodithurtssomuchjustkillmenow day of grieving. If you're not calling to tell me I hit the lotto jackpot the night before, you won't get through. I'll be huddled in a ball on the bed squeezing the blanket that my girl slept with while she was here. I'll be Linus with that blanket on Thursday. It will be disgustingly wet and sticky by noon cause my nose runs like a faucet when I cry; won't matter. A few times throughout the day I'll get up for the bathroom & remember to change and feed the munchkin. Laundry will not get washed, dishes will not get done, hubby will be lucky to come home to dinner and a non-diaper-stink-house.

So, I just wanted to let y'all know that I wouldn't be posting till Friday...

If Mama Blog Tour '09 and Giveaway

Lucy Adams was nice enough to stop by with an excerpt from her new book, If Mama Don't Laugh, It Ain't Funny. Lucy also sent me a copy of my own, and I have to say, Mama Is Laughing!



The Mama-Lucy also has an Aria'z Birthday Giftie for y'all... You can win an "If Mama Don't Laugh, It Ain't Funny" baseball cap simply by leaving a comment on this here post...

but in the spirit of making mama's laugh~ and since this is my birthday... the funniest comment related to Lucy's book excerpt will win the cap! Enter as many times as you like, entries accepted until 11:59 CST Thursday, March 12, winning comment will be announced on Friday the 13th (ominous music) Make me laugh y'all ~ and enjoy a bit of Lucy's book, If Mama Don't Laugh, It Ain't Funny. To keep your laughter going, click any one of the links above to order your copy today... because Mama's NEED more than air deserve some laughter~ Enjoy and good luck!!!

What Did You Say?

A serious speech impediment causes me to demand for my children to repeat shocking words they’ve uttered, usually under their breath, so that I might verify that they said what I think they said. Then I rebuke them for repeating such abominations.

My friend Charlotte discovered she suffers the same affliction when her six year old exited the bathroom without flushing the toilet. She promptly insisted her son return to pull the handle. As he left the restroom, for the second time, he said “BLEEP.” (Due to the distasteful nature of the word he actually spoke, I cannot render it, or any assimilation of it, in print. Therefore, all mention of it shall be bleeped.)

“What did you say,” his mother asked, stopping him in his tracks.

“BLEEP.”

“What did you say,” she repeated.

Again he said, matter-of-factly, “BLEEP.”

Not believing her ears, she once more asked, sternly, emphasizing each individual word, hoping, I suppose, it would give him time to change his story, “What did you say?”

“BLEEP. You know, it rhymes with bucket.”

And, as every mother does, she wanted to know, this instant, where he heard such a word. “I made it up. Bucket, cucket, ducket, F . . .”

“Well, you made up a very bad word! Never say it again! Never, never, never!”

As you might imagine, on the one hand, the child felt befuddled about rhyming words, and curious as to how he hit upon one that so deeply disturbed his mother. On the other hand, however, he understood the value of the information he had just obtained, and perfunctorily made a mental note of probable future dividends. Perhaps, he mused, he would dabble in the illicit world of rhyming words again, once the ruckus over his current exploits diminished.

A couple of weeks later, the incident forgotten all together, my friend, while car-pooling her gaggle about town, happened to overhear a conversation about the ‘S’ word. One child explained to another that it means shut-up.Then the 6 year-old piped up, saying, “Yeah, but Mama says we can never say the ‘F’ word.”

“The ‘F’ Word,” she yelped, in soprano. “What’s the ‘F’ word?”

“You said not to say it,” he protested.

“No, tell me.” She made it clear he had no choice.

“BLEEP?”

“I told you not to say that word! Don’t ever say that word! It’s a terrible, awful word.”

It’s tough being six. And it only got harsher for our small friend.

“Have you said that word to anyone at school,” inquired his mother, looking in the rearview mirror. His little mouth puckered into an “O,” probably to mumble the “Oh, no” word. “Tell me the truth,” she warned. Based upon previous experience, he knew this had to be a trick. But his indecision betrayed him. “You have said it to someone at school, haven’t you? Who?”

“Cody,” he offered, weakly.

“Why would you say the ‘F’ word to Cody?”

“We were talking about bad words at recess, and we knew all the same old ones. So, I told him BLEEP. And that BLEEP rhymes with bucket, but I don’t really know if all the words that rhyme with bucket are bad, or just BLEEP.”

I know you can now sense this child’s confusion, compounded by another round of, “I told you not to say that word.” But I bet, like me, you can also visualize the cogs in his brain turning, as he said to himself, quietly, “Bit, dit, fit . ..”

Fortunately for him, that one will probably take a little longer to sort out.

Excerpted from If Mama Don’t Laugh, It Ain’t Funny (Palm Tree Press), by Lucy Adams. Reprinted here by permission of the author.