Monday, October 5, 2009

Why My Husband Needs To Be Shot Through The Head With A Taser aka my love affair with Taylor; pork roll that is

Pork RollingImage by Reznicek111 via Flickr

So, Hubby needs to die a painful screaming writhing twitching death at the hands of an over-amped taser.

The man has OH-SO-FOOLISH-ly come between me and my pork roll. For those of you who aren't New Jersey natives, nor have ever had the pleasure of passing through and stopping at a NJ diner, let me inform you, so you don't make the same mistake as my soon to be dead husband. Never Never Never EVER come between a displaced Jersian and their pork roll.

While those of you who have never tasted it's tangy, salty, makes bacon seem like a total waste of time round grilled goodness... let me just say; we do that on purpose. To save the rest of you from yourselves. There's just enough salami-sized canvass wrapped scrumptiousness for those of us who grew up teething on slices with the omnipresent red box in the fridge and those non natives who showed up in person and weren't dissuaded by the name to try it.

It is oral sex straight from the store, if during oral sex your mouth was the one having all the fun.

We eat it with eggs and cheese on hard rolls for breakfast. Oh, and not whatever kind of hamburger-bun-sized roll, no. A REAL honest to god, sesame seed covered top Hard Roll, thank you very much. We will have the same sandwich without the eggs for lunch... and then for dinner we'll go have Italian food, cause we can't all live on nitrates alone, well, unless we're single and broke, then it's another pork roll sandwich for dinner. I've even had pork roll on pizza, so it is possible to combine the awesomeness of Jersey Italian food with pork roll and you don't have to cook or even leave the house.

The rest of America has tried to duplicate this by putting canadian bacon on pizza...

People. Puh-leez.

Canadian bacon is to pork roll what Canada is to New Jersey. They both get cold and have a whole lot of diversity, but Canadians are all well mannered and polite and will wait for you to say, "Oh hey, I didn't see you there." and then you move over and allow them to pass; where as New Jersians will honk once in our attempt at politeness before we will run your ass down if you don't get the hell out of the way. It's nothing personal. We simply don't have time to wait on you. We're busy people with lots to do and see and we have zip and snap and we don't just hang around waiting for you to notice us. Pork roll is the same way. It's not sweet. It's tangy. It's not mild. It's bold. And, just like most New Jersians outside of New Jersey, it is totally misunderstood upon first meeting it.

Kind of like landing in Newark for your first visit, and then going to see the rest of the state in all it's Autumnal beauty. You wouldn't expect upon landing to like the place so much. And yet, it can become one of your favorite places for so many reasons.

So too with non-Jersians and pork roll. First you say, "Sounds gross, but I'll try anything once." and then some Jersian serves you up a sandwich with that knowing smile as you take your first bite and are addicted. Not like KFC or heroin addicted, because you can get that generic gotta-have-it-now stuff anywhere. No, you leave the state and more than 1 hour past the NJ borders, and you CAN NOT GET PORK ROLL ANYWHERE... unless you have an internet connection and a credit card.

Which brings me to my husband's untimely but fully deserved death... He denied me internet ordering pork roll because HE has never had pork roll and simply doesn't understand the lengths a Dying-of-Swine-Flu-majorly-hormonal-woman will go to in order to get said pork roll after already being denied decent aka Jersey-esque: Italian food, Polly-O cheeses, hot pretzels, in the casing hot dogs Tandy Kakes, real salt water taffy and not-from-Domino's-or-Pizza-Hut pizza delivery. I have reached my breaking point.

I have now become pork roll denied lethal. Somebody better warn this man how serious I am. Or else, y'all just need to dry clean your black suits and dresses. Fair warning. 'nuff said. Registered & Protected

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DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Never had the taylor ham, but I know what it is. Sounds to me like you need to take hubby on a gastronomic tour of NJ some day. The pizza alone is worth the trip. Only in the NY/NJ area is the pizza worth a plane trip.

The Retired One said...

Tell him your R.N. friend Joan said that it has sodium which you simply must have to survive from being dehydrated after you drank all the water from the fevers of Swine Flu and you need sodium for lifesaving electrolytes in your body and if you die from a heart attack it will be all his fault. Whew.
Then repeat.