Wednesday, October 1, 2008

A Failure to Communicate

"What we have here, is a failure to communicate." (Sorry, with the passing of Paul Newman, I had to start there.) It's as relative to love relationships as ever a line was uttered or written, even if the original context is way off base...

What do women really want in a relationship? It's a loaded question with answers so complex and contradictory that they would give Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein and Alfred Nobel all migraines in a matter of minutes.

Obviously, I can't speak for all women. We are each different and completely separate entities with needs and wants more varied than the selection at Amazon.com. Add to this, that as life progresses there will be things that change within our own claims of what we want. It's clear to see that women should not be a category in and of itself, all lumped together, except say, as the title of a website with hundreds of thousands of subcategories available within that site. And 'what we want from a relationship' is more difficult to pin-point than a single frame of a kaleidoscope with a 3 foot diameter...it evolves continually and without a discernible set pattern.

After discussions with many of my friends for many years, I will share with you some of what our small subset of women is looking to find in the qualities of their partner. If you agree or disagree, feel free to leave a comment...either way, you prove my point.

Honesty is huge. But it has to come with a healthy dose of tact. This is especially important when broaching subjects that are difficult for whomever you are talking to. Sometimes the tact is optional, just get to the point, don't meander. The honesty is non-negotiable, but the tact factor is completely dependent on the situation and the woman.

Wishy-washy on a partner is always unattractive. If you can't fully commit to a single point of view, how can we ever trust you to fully commit to us? This behavior, if not worthy of an immediate rejection from us, will definitely get you into the 'short term keeper' file. Changing your mind after thoughtful consideration however, is attractive and appreciated nearly to the point of being applauded. We love a man that can admit that his original point of view needed review and change for whatever reason, but you need to have a reason, to avoid the wishy-washy category previously discussed, or the 'Yes Man' syndrome whereby you agree with us and do whatever we want nearly every time. It may be a little refreshing and somewhat heady at first, but eventually, you will be seen as an indecisive pussy. Yes men will also find themselves in the disposable category, because of the next thing we want...

We want you to be our rock. When the seas of life become too rough and tumble, we want to be able to hold on to you to keep from drowning. Like a rock, you must be stable on your own, sturdy enough to weather what life and your woman will throw at you, and have just a few cracks to allow your real emotions to come out and be seen by your woman. An occasional tear-up or bout of insecurity that we can talk you through, not a gaping chasm that sucks every scrap of our energy dry to keep you from bawling like a hungry infant. Those cracks also allow you to give us the emotional awareness that we need from you... like just coming up and giving us a hug when you know we've had a bad day, instead of only giving us one when we come to you first. That is emotionally closed, and will be seen as rejection; which will hit your woman harder than you know, and will spell the end of your relationship, even if it takes years for the final split.

We want to be your friend. But, we don't only want to be 'just one of the guys'...someone you punch in the arm out of joy because your team just scored. We do want the part of the friendship that has to do with respect for the other person, and cheering them on and having their back even if you think they're making a mistake. You'd do it for your buds wouldn't you? But, we want to be your Best Friend...just like grade school. We want to see the soft side that as your woman, only we get to see, and if you've gone so far as to tell us that you love us, then we want some mush. Not total mush, that's repulsive to most modern women. I mean good mush. That would be the look of respect and adoration that you have when you look at your woman. That would be reaching out and holding your woman's hand for no reason whatsoever, except that you want to be a little closer to her. Then there's the kind of conversations that you only have with your woman, since she's your best friend...

Whatever type of conversations or communications you have with your woman, she needs to know that her words and opinions are as important to you, as you want yours to be to her. Not just soap-boxing and expecting her to listen like a cult follower. Also, you need to demonstrate this point (of her opinion being important) by saying some of the most needed-by-a-woman words you will ever learn to utter: "What do you think about that?" The qualifier to that is this; you also need to give her time to answer you fully, not just thinking in your head over everything she says so you can inject it the second she takes a breath, thereby cutting her off, negating the 'your important' progress you almost made, and diminishing her self esteem and her desire to stay in the relationship with you. If you don't think she's important enough to listen to, then what the hell is she doing there? I guarantee you that she will eventually start asking herself this question if you negate her voice to fill the air with the sound of your own on a regular basis. And when she is passionate about a course of action, you may want to consider doing it her way. If you ask for the opinion and decide to go another way, at least acknowledge whatever valid points she made. Deciding on the course of action before you even talk to her makes her opinion a moot point, she will know it and resent that more than if you never asked her opinion at all.

And yes, as Carrie Bradshaw once put it, we want the "Za-Za-Zoo". In this respect, I'm not going to lie; we want the fairy tale, combined with the XXX rated movie. We want the 'stolen' little (slightly inappropriate) touches that no one else sees, even though there are other people there. It makes us feel that we are appealing to you and that will go a long way towards getting sex from us later on when it's more appropriate. A little look, or a private joke or a little frisky teasing throughout the day will also accomplish these things for you, because you will keep her desirability to you in the forefront of her mind thereby making her feel sexy in her own right. And when you do have sex, make sure it's physical intimacy that concentrates a goodly portion of it's time on pleasing and fulfilling the needs of your woman, not only getting your rocks off in the quickest time possible. A once in a while quickie is one thing and can spice things up considerably, but when that's all she's getting, she'll get colder than the Arctic very, very quickly.

And if the shoe is on the other foot, and you aren't feeling all hot and bothered for whatever reason, you can't neglect the sexuality of your woman. If you do, she will neglect it as well. Legs and other parts of her anatomy will get unattractively hairy, she'll stop doing sit-ups and start using the time to learn how to make home-made donuts. Soon she'll be out shopping for a wardrobe in a larger size. Getting the point? You will start a cycle that you will not want to be party to once you get past whatever is causing your mental-E.D. Remember this, your woman always wants you to treat her like you want her sexually. If her man doesn't see the sexy in her, she will, subconsciously, do away with the sexy so that No One can see it, even herself; that is if she sticks around...

There is so much more... but those are large ones that I wanted to convey. And yes, I do realize that we are a lot of work... I know we are confusing as fuck. I get it. But you are what you are, and we are what we are. Neither of us can help how we're hard-wired and everyone is just trying to get through his or her day the best way they know how. Besides, the women I know aren't all running around trying to figure out their man. Most of us figured out our man within the first week, it comes naturally to us--like blinking our eyes. Men, however, tend to be vocal about their extreme confusion when dealing with their female counterparts, so I thought I'd help y'all out. Which, in turn, helps us out. See how that works?

Now men, when you finish reading this, have your woman read it. Then ask her what she thinks, listen to her answer and look at her like the most succulent rib-eye steak wrapped in bacon that you've ever seen as she answers you. Be honest but tactful when you tell her that she is different from the girl you first met, finish with how you love her more now than ever before and whisk her off to bed...

Are we communicating yet?

1 comment:

Miriam said...

Hi Aria. Fellow WO-Zoner here. Saw your post in the group and thought I'd stop in and say hi and check out your blog. Great blog and great writing. I'm now a "follower" :)

Miriam