I have been fortunate to be a stay-at-home mom twice. I recognize this is amazing good fortune despite wanting upon occasion to pull my hair out by the un-dyed roots in great fist-sized clumps.
And while I love my children with every drop of blood in my veins and every cell of my plus-sized body, there are times that I want to get away. Far, far away. Not just in location, but in total daily routine.
I want to implore travel agents everywhere to come up with a S.A.H. Mom-Only Vacation package. It would include...
5 star hotel accommodations, with the comfiest queen sized bed imaginable-extra pillows obviously and no alarm clocks on the entire floor. Mom can sleep in to the hour of her choice without fighting for mattress or pillow space with anyone or anything under or over 3 feet tall. In her cozy comforter bliss, mom will not have to shift repeatedly to remove child-limbs from painful places on her anatomy, nor will she need to whip the covers off to reduce the temperature from her portable adorable heater.
The enormous bathroom comes with a whirlpool tub that could easily double as a swimming pool, can handle a liter of bubble bath and has enough shelves to use enough candles to light lower Manhattan. Also included--peace and quiet and privacy. No questions about why we cannot have snakes and frogs and every stray cat and dog in the neighborhood as our most cherished pets posed to mom while she is on the potty. There is a separate shower with three customizable shower heads, a seat and salon quality shampoo, conditioner, and body wash. The towels and washcloths come in a dozen per size, are oversize no matter the type, and could easily belong to the Trumps for all their lavishness.
Next, there is the living room of this luxury suite. If mom ever makes it out of the bed, there is a sumptuous couch with no stains or questionable cushions. There is a desk with Gucci stationery, a custom writing set, stamps, postcards, and a huge-screen laptop with high-speed Internet. She will have time to do whatever for how-long-ever she wishes on the computer. The TV is a work of art that would make any electronics-type man drool himself to drowning, and the remote belongs solely to mom. She gets every channel known to the free world except; Noggin, Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network, and PBS Kids.
Room Service is a stunning affair with candles and good china and crystal for every meal and snack. Mom's waiter, Pierre, serves her the finest of whatever fare she has ordered. And sticks around so she can talk to someone while eating. He happily refills her beverage, serves her more potatoes without a condescending look, and listens intently to whatever she has to say. When the meal is over, he blows out the candles, cleans up the dishes and vanishes without so much as a trace that he was ever there.
Mom has full service access to all hotel services, such as the day spa with high end salon for all of the personal maintenance needs that she has ignored in order to hop out of the shower as quickly as possible because she imagines thuds even when there are none. There is a sensory deprivation tank available 24 hours a day with no time limits. While mom is enjoying any or all of these services, the maid service has descended upon mom's room to clean it spotless, as well as wash, dry and put away all of her laundry so she can come back to her room with it as refreshed and cleaned up as she is.
Mom's Vacation package includes the rental vehicle of her choice, with nary a car seat or McDonald's wrapper in sight. She can listen to any radio station and sing along if she chooses without commentary or interruption. She can go to any store, gallery, museum, park, movie, place or event without having to take into consideration parking, strollers, noise level, time restraints or mess factors.
This wonderful dream Mom-Only vacation would of course be very inexpensive, for two reasons... One; otherwise mom would feel guilty about how much money she was spending while away from her home and family. Two; once she gets over that crap, she'll have some money to spend as she pleases instead of blowing it all on the accommodations.
The whipped cream and maraschino cherry topping on this Mom-Only vacation package is this; for the entire length of the vacation, S.A.H. Mom's significant other has to stay at home themselves, and care for the children and the house in the same manner that mom would without any outside assistance. Including, but not limited to, all errands, chores, homework help, playtime, and scheduled events.
Forgive me if I leave it at that... I'm going to loose myself in this daydream for a while... well, at least until my son wakes up, my hubby calls, it's time for lunch, I have to fold laundry, it's time to wash the second round of dishes, vacuum floors, cook dinner...