Monday, September 28, 2009

It Doesn't Pay To Be Dying From Swine Flu In This House

Jim HensonJim Henson via

It only helps to have Swine Flu when dealing with people outside your home, because inside your home people don't care if you die of no-antibiotics-prescribed-Swine-Flu and the obvious heart failure that you're totally going to have just like Jim Henson and John Ritter even if John Ritter actually had an undiagnosed congenital heart condition. Whatever. I'm still going to die and no one here will care until they run out of every single dish in the whole house, but then they'll just buy paper plates and my son will be lucky to get his diaper changed like every 9 hours or so, as long as music isn't playing.

So I'm kind of feeling better today, in part because I slept pretty much all weekend long. Seriously. Well except at night, but I'll tell ya more about that in a minute.

Academy Awards Pictures, Images and PhotosBut outside the house, I get the Swine Flu sympathy vote which earned me two blog awards, which I'll post separately later this week in order to fulfill the proposed 'rules' of acceptance so I'm not just a taking skag, cause that's so, so rude. Anyway, I don't even mind that these are sympathy awards, just like the Irving G Thalberg award that they give to people who are less than a click from dying on the Oscars, the ones that they wheel out and can barely hold the microphone because they're so weak. So to you Kaye and DG, I thank you profusely with my dying breath. And yes, I am using my dying breath to thank y'all because you show appreciation which is way more than people sharing my home address do. Even though I do so much more for them than sporadically write a blog.

Ahh the love... That I don't get... It's underwhelming.

Like when I showed hubby how we could stream porn now that we've got high speed internet. You think he'd be thrilled to have a wife so cool about that kind of thing and fall to his knees in gratitude after I showed him all the best clips to watch sites to go to.

So what happens today, when we check the usage for the 3G card, which, I have to tell you, we've only had since the 11th. The one that the Blarney-Gifted salesman assured us would take like forever to get up to 5 gigs... Yeah, two weeks and three days later, we're OVER USAGE. Holy fuckballs he was homicidal upset and accused me of going over because I'd spend night after night streaming porn.

Unbelievable!!! Just cause I totally did I got lucky and found a couple of primo things to show him he thinks I spent all my bandwidth watching people with much better figures than mine doin' the kind of do that I, with my current state of whale like fattness back problems can no longer do, not to mention that hubby won't come near me cause I'm dying of Swine Flu and when it's our sick son sleeping in our bed, it doesn't matter if he gets it, but from his wife, no fucking way... even if I offered to wear a dust mask like they show everyone in Mexico wearing. So, for my part of the world, it's almost fashionable, and shouldn't my husband be thankful that I'm worried about my fashion sense on my deathbed AND I'm offering him sex. I slept all day because I'm dying and he just doesn't care.

positions Pictures, Images and PhotosNeither hubby nor my body give a damn that my hormones are pre-menopausal making me hornier than a 16 year old on ecstasy. My vajayjay doesn't care if I'm dying of Swine Flu. It doesn't even care if my lungs are so congested that I can hear myself wheezing over the moans piped into my earphones, which, I'm thinking is another good indicator that I'm millimeters from death cause I had the volume turned WAY up so there's no way that I should be able to hear the death rattle of my lungs over someone experiencing 12 inches, OK?

And besides, hubby should totally be understanding because I gave him first dibs I'm dying, duh. And there were so many programey-type things we couldn't download until we had high speed so it totally could have been any number of things that caused us to go over. It wasn't necessarily porn because that really was only two nights, since my hormones got in line with my Swine Flu and now I'm just hot flashing or possibly having the sweats from my body trying to fight off this beast of an infection...

And besides, I'm dying. Registered & Protected

Reblog this post [with Zemanta]


jessicabold said...

You're giving me so much hope for my womanly future. SO MUCH....

kAyE said...

you should totally keep secrets from your husband from now on (i.e where to find BETTER porn sites)

and save your (writing) breath hun. you're gonna be needing that when i come up with more awards for you. hee hee.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

No pressure on the award. I had no idea that you were so sick. Take care of yourself. The bloggy due diligence will be there when you're no longer hacking up a lung!

Anonymous said...

Watching porn vids is not the reason for the overage...going to porn sites that install virus/trojans is the reason your over limit!

The Retired One said...

You are totally my hero. Because anyone dying of Swine Flu who has the energy to think or act on PORN, well, my hat (or rather pasteys) are off to you.
Oh, that reminds me of a story my mom used to tell...she said a guy went into the Dr. after having heart surgery and came home. His wife said: "honey, did you ask him if you can do physical activity now?" (between the lines, asking if he could finally have sex).
He said: "Well, I'm not allowed to lift anything heavier than your nightgown!"