Wednesday, August 12, 2009

A Few Questions I Had To Work Out On Paper For Your Enjoyment

Q #1. What happens to an adult brain subjected to Marvin the Tap-dancing Horse?

A: I'm not sure, but it has to be worse than melting and leaking out your ear while you are walking around doing housework. Way worse. Like, possibly, the brain rebels by flashing on the worst episodes of Pee Wee's Playhouse cross hatched with Dumb & Dumber's most annoying sound in the world and the midget clown porn that someone once-upon-a-time thought was hilarious and would watch even though it freaked you out and changed your views on sex and circuses F.O.R.E.V.E.R. which is why this stupid ass show probably brings back these memories because it's set in a circus tent and Marvin sounds an awful lot like Barney so you want to throw bricks at the TV, just like midget clown porn.

Q #2. If Maxine were real, would I still think she was hilarious?

A: No. Most likely, she'd be the neighbor that I plotted doing hideous things to as I washed dishes and looked out over my lawn into hers. Because, let's face it, as mundane as dish washing is, it does give you plenty of plotting time because you don't have to think while you do it, so you can zone out and imagine sitting in a tree and sling-shooting half-sucked ju-ju bees into blue-gray hair, thereby giving her a festive multi-colored cap of sorts to look at when they're complaining to you about each and every millisecond of their day like they are the only ones on the face of the planet who have ever had to wait on the cable guy and hates Mondays and has had enough time to cultivate an especially bad attitude. *eyeroll* I've lived half your years, lady, and I' have twice as bad an attitude, plus, my eyesight is still better than blind-as-a-fucking-bat so I can see to shoot at the people that piss me off instead of simply ranting about it in calendars and greeting cards, and I'm not jealous at all *coughliarcough* that you've made a fortune with your bitching and I've made myself 12 cents and a wanted felon in 8 states. Come to think of it, I hate Maxine, which is totally fitting for a Maxine fan, so I'll keep my calendar.

Q #3. If someone you know has a 'secret' is it wrong to blog about it?

A: That depends. Is the secret something that's going to get them jail time without the possibility of parole... then it's probably best to refrain from blogging it in detail until they are picked-up by the authorities. Stick to broad generalities and send the local police an emailed copy of the post so they can contact you for further details, which will totally give you another post once your friend is convicted. Sure they'll be able to read all about your police cooperation on your blog from the prison computers, but by then they're in for life, so fuck 'em... If, however it is someone who will remain out and about and may or may not be related to you and you don't want to rat them out to, say, their mother, but they've spilled the secret themselves all over their Facebook page and what you now know, and can not UNknow, and has made you squirmy in an ouchie-ick kinda way ever since you found out, and it has scarred your sex life forever because now you can't NOT think of this secret when... well, never mind that part... it's probably best to move several states away first, then blog it, then deny, deny, deny even if they've read the post and you are totally busted, but as I stated earlier, you're mentally scarred for life, so you can't be held responsible for your actions cause you're insane now, besides you can't hardly come up with anything else to post about because you're totally preoccupied with the aforementioned secret popping into your skull at odd and funky times that have literally made you shiver in a this-is-so-situationally-inappropriate-fucking-gross kind of way, well then, fuck 'em. They shouldn't have told you about a questionable piercing in the first place, cause, DAMN. Registered & Protected


Chris@Maugeritaville said...

Dear Abby has nothing on you, my friend.

Aria said...

Once again, you have made my day, Chris, because over 9 hours without a comment was making me think that I was the only one who had ever been subjected to midget clown porn and questionable piercings. So nice to know I'm not the only one.

ps. If you watch midget porn on any screen larger than 50'' it's life-sized... you're welcome.

The Retired One said...

I want whatever it is you are on.
Don't deny it.
I want it.