Facebook and Universal Timing

It's called Universal Timing. That thing that happens when you do something and it all falls together beautifully despite the many details and places available for making a mess of it all. Kind of like a Julia Child recipe.

It's also when you want to kick yourself for not doing the thing sooner, but then you realize that if you'd done it way back when, you'd have burnt down the house... or something akin to that on a life choice level.

That's how going back to school tomorrow is for me. For all of you wonderful people that commented on the last post with encouragement, well wishings, and a curiosity for what I'm going to be doing; first of all, let me say thank you from the bottom of my twisted-like-a-corkscrew-heart. As for my major, it will be Health Care Admin with a concentration in Pharmacy Practice. And again I say, I have no idea how I came to that decision. Why I picked THAT major. It's fuzzy in all the details. And yet, so fits me that I can't say one thing against the choice.

I know I was on facebook and saw an ad proclaiming that Moms Could Win $10,000. It all goes gray-fuzzy from there. So it is that I credit my unnatural ability to be on facebook for more hours than I spend on anything else, for being used by the Universe to send me where I needed to go. And because of that, I can't quit my beloved site.

I also had to make a tough but clear decision that until I get used to my new School Schedule I have to stop facebooking to that degree. So, I've decided that the only game I'm going to actively play will be FarmVille. I just really like that one.

But I'm also aware that games like Mafia Wars and Sorority Life require you to have "friends"... mobbies, sisters... so I'm not going to completely block those applications. However, gifts sent to me from these apps will be wasted. I appreciate your game-friendship and thinking that I'm worthy to be one of your 20 people gifted today, but honestly, until I am comfortable in my schedule, I will be ignoring any and all gifts from anything other than FarmVille. If I have extra time I will send out gifts from time to time, please don't reciprocate. Also, don't ask me to join any other games. I'm sure Fish Isle and Farm Town are very enjoyable for you, but I'm not anticipating having time and those too, will be ignored.

Please don't take these declines personally. Working FarmVille the way I do usually takes me about an hour a day. Add two classes to that and a toddler, a husband, a long-distance daughter and a house to maintain, not to mention my own personal care and hygiene needs, and I need to give myself a clear cut game plan of how I'm going to spend my time. Those of you with real lives understand, I'm sure. This is the first time in a long time that I've had definitive "have to's" in my life with deadlines and everything... In other words, A LIFE, and yes, I bought this life online... to answer the bumper sticker.

I was going to put all of this into a facebook email and just send it to my 200+ friends cause that would have been the courteous, unobtrusive thing to do, but facebook hasn't caught up to me and wouldn't let me send the email to my group called Everyone, but wanted me to put in each person separately. Honestly, I do not possess that kind of patience. I use it all up putting my many chickens into rows on FarmVille.

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No Rant Just Rave

Image via Wikipedia

So, for those of you that have been on facebook you know where I've been... playing FarmVille and writing pithy mini-commentary on my life.... Ok, I'll stop lying now, only the FarmVille part is true.

Well that and watching new Star Trek and The Hangover, both of which are soSoSO much better than I ever anticipated and I could just watch them back to back on a loop until New Year's... which you'd know if you were on facebook.

But a few weeks ago, I realized that my computer time consumption is off the hook. As in, Holy Hell woman, why don't you go offline and actually pay some attention to that cutie pie son that doesn't include you pointing out virtual farm animals. Fucking pathetic.

Then I was also thinking that I really, REALLY needed to do something with my life. Cause... well, quoting movie lines and acing flickster movie quizzes is not going to bring home the bacon... even if they make it a game show cause I just don't have the competitiveness to pull out my own tooth... sorry, I got sidetracked by The Hangover again.

So, you see what I mean? I needed some real, honest to goodness, bankable purpose in my life. I didn't know that, but the universe did. And somehow, seriously, somehow, cause no, I wasn't drugged, but I still can't quite tell you how it happened... I wound up applying for college through University of Phoenix.

Yep, y'all, twenty long years on the twisty road that has been my life, after I grabbed my degree and parted high school with my head and my bird held high, I am going back to school.

I am a Phoenix.

I'm both excited and wondering what the fuck I just did to myself all at the same time. But no matter what I'll at least get my AA, because I promised the universe that even though I'm gonna hit the Mega Million jackpot, all by myself, for Christmas 2009, I would still complete my schooling, because I know the universe put this in my lap, and the universe gets way pissed
when you discount one of it's leadings.

I know this cause three and a half years ago I quit the job the universe gave me and it hasn't given me shit since. And no, my son doesn't count cause I was pregnant before I quit that job; I just didn't know it yet.

Anyway, I'm off to celebrate by watching The Hangover again, followed by a load of dishes and a pat on the back by way of new Star Trek. Cause I'm a homebound movie junkie looser silly like that.

So, I just wanted to let y'all know that I wasn't only wasting my time while I've been away from here.

I wish you all a wonderful set of holidays, whatever you celebrate.

As for me, I'm hoping Santa brings me Chris Pine and Bradley Cooper notebooks cause I start classes on the 28th.

God Bless, Y'all! Happy 2010!

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I'm Not PC, But I'm Still People PC, Apparently

Be honest, you missed my rants, didn't you?

So this morning I got up on the post-sleep side of 8am for the first time in what seems like forever. And I'm doing dishes, cause that is the joy that is my Saturday morning, when the phone rings... at not even 9am.

This kind of irritates me, because it's not one of the distinctive rings that I've allotted to my many friends, family and admirers (ok, I made up the admirers part) but the 'unknown number' ring.

See, I was raised in the days when it was rude to call someone before 10 am. My mother would sooner let us wrestle in chocolate pudding on white carpet than let us call ANYONE friends, family, 911... before 10 am.

And yet, here I am hearing a ringtone that is sure to signal some sort of bullshit call at not even 9 am... while I'm washing dishes... pre-coffee. They obviously didn't know who they were about to deal with.

So I get the Oh-So-Mood-Enhancing computer generated voice telling me that my People PC account was past due to the tune of two months and did I want to speak to a representative. Oh, Skippy, you bet your ass I do!

You see, when we first got the high speed internet, we were going to keep the dial-up account with People PC as a back-up. It was on the desktop in the back room where we couldn't get any bars for the high-speed, so we used the high-speed with the laptop in any other room in the house than the designated computer room. My life is full of ironies like this.

Well, near the end of October we had a thunder storm that caused a big rig to go off the road and take out an entire electrical pole. Snapped it clean in half. Wire was on the wet road shooting massive electrical sparks 20 feet in the air. It is so comforting to know that people driving 20 ton trucks with the capacity for snapping electrical poles like toothpicks can't make a 10 degree turn on a wet road. Does so much for the confidence in life factor with Mr. Big Rig coming up in my side view mirror at mach 12.

ANYWAY...

So, this accident and it's ensuing power outage shot a power spike through the system that must have been like a gadjillion (real word) watts cause it blew out the computer even though it was plugged into a surge-protecting power strip. Yeah. Hey Walmart, I want my money back!

Anyway... again... Thing is, all this happened on like the 22nd of October. Well, People PC calls me last month and I tried to cancel the service. Don't need the dial-up in the back room when I have no computer in the back room. Savvy? These internet nazis, try to say that I used their service and needed to pay my bill so I could cancel.

What? I didn't use your service for this cycle I'm not paying you Jack! Now cancel my shit. I've been getting billed on the 28th of the month forever. The last day the service was used was the 21st. How is that billable for this month when I pre-pay for my service?

This Indian-accented man (dot not feather) talks all over me and tries to tell me that my billing cycle is thru the 21st so I used one day of service and have to pay the full month so I can cancel. I tell him to fuck off and die that I'm not paying it and to cancel me. I hear nothing from People PC again. Problem solved... Not Quite.

So this morning, the second I hear Mr Indian-accented man (dot not feather) on the line butchering my name I tell him that I want to speak to his supervisor immediately. Cause the second Ms. Recorded-Computer-Voice tells me I now owe TWO months I'm seein' more red than a tomato festival and I know these call center lackeys can't help me worth a damn until I get to a supervisor and go all phone-postal so I can get this handled cause I'm not paying for ANY service I didn't use. EVER. Cause I'm hard-headed like that. The People PC phone nazi wants to 'verify information' before I can be permitted to talk to a supervisor.

Oh Skippy Habib, I think not.

I came a little unstuck.

He thinks that he just needs to keep talking over me and making the same request to verify my information and I'll acquiesce to his request. Uh hello? You.Called.Me. At not even 9am in the morning. What the hell do you need to verify?

I wanted to threaten to feed him cow parts.

I didn't. I was politically correct and just cussed him out with a string of blue foulness that only a true vulgarian could have made a coherent sentence out of, cause I have skillz, and no class.

In between my filth-strings of speech, I made sure he understood that if he wasn't going to listen to me, I sure as hell wasn't going to listen to him. I was getting so postal riled up that my voice started quivering. In the world of me, that's like DEFCON 42.

I said his mother did things with farm animals that a crack whore wouldn't admit to and hung up.

I'll bet you next month I get a computerized call saying I owe three months.

A Thanksgiving Weekend Post

It's Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend.

If y'all are like me, you are sick to damn death of turkey by now. The pies and mashed potatoes are gone but you still have stuffing and too much gravy and holy-hell-are-you-serious-I've-got-so-much-more-turkey-to-go-that-I-could-feed-both-my-own-household-and-a-third-world-country-for-about-a-week.

However, I for one am too poor to send said shitload of turkey to any third world country, so in my fridge it will sit, being eaten slowly so that it has the maximum potential to mock me every time I open the fridge. "HaHaHa Aria! I'm STILL HERE! And I, Mr Gobbles, know that you can't in good conscience eat other food while there's enough of me to feed starving children all around the world, so plate me up again and do your damnedest to control your gag reflex... like when you're giving head." That's what the fucking turkey says to me.

Mind you, it's not entirely accurate. I broke down and made an egg & cheese sandwich last night because I couldn't take it anymore.

Being broke is also THE BEST TIME IN THE WORLD TO GO TO THE MALL ON BLACK FRIDAY. Seriously. I know you're scratching your head and wondering what the hell I'm talking about. Moneyless people, such as myself, should be at home cowering under the kitchen table trying to hide from the talking turkey in their fridges not at the mall!

But you're wrong. Pack yourself a turkey sandwich or six and a big ole thermos of spiked egg nog (or just a bottle of rum cause you can buy a coke at any vendor in the food court) and find yourself a comfy bench or resting place. Preferably in the mall near the entrance to Best Buy but near the center fountain works just as well...you'll probably be right by the Santa setup and oh Nellie, 'Kids Say the Darnedest Things' has nothing on perusing the line to see Santa.

Then sit. And wait. And try to take small bites of those sandwiches so you don't choke to death and become some other people-watcher's laugh of the day... just sayin'.

You will see an assortment of the most hilarious stereotypes on God's green earth. Wild-eyed frenzy will ensue all around you as bargain-hunters fly from one store to another determined to get the best deals, their wallets so worn out that they scream like someone in need of back surgery every time they're opened. These people laden themselves with so many bags and packages that they can scarcely see the walkway in front of them, never mind something else to buy. And if they stop for a rest they're dead cause it would take Schwarzenegger in his prime to hoist all that loot back into carrying position.

Sometimes the pros will bring a lackey, IE: a spouse, to run items to the car once they become unwieldy. This too is fun because after the first car-run the lackey will return in frantic search of his or her shopping maven only to discover them already carrying another full load to go to the car. These shopping-psycho-type-people should rent U-haul trucks for Black Friday. After the third return trip from the car as their Shopinista refills their arms full, you will hear something like, "How'd you find so much more stuff ALREADY?!? I was only gone for ten minutes!" The Shopinista's eyes will roll at their lackey as they refuse to dignify the comment with a response while they're 'in the zone!'

It's comical. Almost enough so that you forget that you're eating your billionth serving of turkey in under 24 hours. A tip for this Black Friday turkey diversion; make sure you take a cab, cause you'll never get parking with all the SUV's in the lot and you also don't want a DUI after downing all that rum. Just be sure to not be so shmammered that you can make your way back to Macy's so the cab can get you there. Cabbies feel safer outside of Macy's than Best Buy.

This Black Friday people watching will now work for you up untill Christmas, but won't be quite as eventful again until Christmas Eve after 2 pm.

Almost forgot that you were having turkey for dinner again, didn't you?

You're welcome.

Is It Too Late To Turn In My Homework Mr. Done?

I have just finished a fantastic book, called Close Encounters of the Third Grade Kind by Philip Done (pronounced like phone).

I was sent this book several weeks ago with the agreement that I would do a review. Normally, I'd have finished it in a day, because it was funny and smart and had heart, in other words, a great and easy read. Then my personal life went a little sideways and it took me over three weeks to read it, which was ALL ME and nothing to do with the book.

Being that it was written by a veteran teacher, I need to find out if I'm going to fail for not turning in my assignment in a timely manner. I should. I can't do this wonderful tome to 'teacherhood' (Mr. Done's word) justice.

First of all, the chapters are short. For any parent, this is a huge bonus, especially if, like me, you like to stop reading at the end of a chapter and have a toddler running around. It also made it easy to find my place again when my son repeatedly removed my bookmark.

There were passages so humorous that I insisted on reading them aloud to my husband. There were observations on the behavior of 8 year olds that brought me back to both my own experiences and that of watching my daughter's school existence at that age. There was a chapter on one student named Michael that I dare anyone to read without tearing up.

Philip Done loves teaching and children in a genuine and unabashed way. His honesty while describing his own embarrassing moments is refreshing and humanizing. You are with him during the telling of these tales as opposed to watching from afar. You can tell he is able to draw his students in as naturally as he does us, the readers.

It touched me in ways that few books are able; in my nostalgia zone. The smiles spread across my face often during reading.

Philip Done is the kind of teacher that kids want to get and that parents pray their children will get to spend a year with. Although he never really 'toots his own horn' so to speak, his gift for teaching is obvious with each passing page.

You will not be disappointed in spending your time in the pages of this book. I dare say, you'll be quite glad you did. Personally, I found it unforgettable. Things I know will creep up on me in a few years as my own son hits third grade running, and most likely acting very much like Mr. Done's student Trevor.

Whether you're a parent or a long ago student, don't miss this terrific book.

You can thank me later. ;-)

LMFAO Friday ~ I Could Have Lost An Eye Edition

Image via Wikipedia

So yesterday, the water was being all temperamental and it kept going out on me while I was trying to wash dishes. Even the well doesn't want me to wash dishes. So we had to keep messing with the points to get the water to come back on... and when I say we, I mean, I went to the edge of the back porch and shouted, "water's off again" to hubby who would go fix it.

Until the last time, when hubby was mowing the lawn so he sent Sam over to fix it.

The well doesn't like Sam.

No wait, the well doesn't like Hubby. Sam it LOVES.

I found out we were having water pressure issues when I went to use the bathroom that I had scrubbed and flushed the toilet in about 15 minutes earlier, only to come down the hall and found I had to swim into the bathroom where the water was shooting out of the top of the tank in order to shut off the water valve and use the rest of the clean towels along with the freshly swapped towels in the dryer to sop up Lake Toiletwater from Potty Tank Geyser.

So when hubby comes in from mowing I tell him about my interior rowboat needs, and that he now needs to fix the toilet. Hubby, being the mechanical type that he is, first briefly re-soaks the bathroom and then goes out and checks the water pressure with a gauge. Yeah.

145 pounds of pressure and a quick walk over to the landlord's later...

Basically, if I'd put my head in the sink and turned on the faucet I could have lost an eye. And making pasta for dinner became a test of patience when I had to use Brita-filter water to fill the cooking pot because all the pressure, aside from almost busting holes in the water lines, loosened all the silt and nasty shit on the inside of the pipes and I was not cooking pasta in third-world water.

Do y'all have any fucking idea how small a Brita pitcher is? Seriously. A camel could die waiting for a refill.

Anyway, the water pressure still isn't right. Apparently, the problem decided to wait until almost dark to happen, so it will get worked on today.

I hope.

In the mean time, since hubby removed the restriction plate in the shower head eons ago, I have no need of a loofah. In fact, if I had gone paint-balling I could have sand blasted myself clean in the shower...

or degreased an engine.

Happy weekend y'all LMFAO Friday officially begins now.

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You don't think they'll notice, do you Jack?




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I'm thinking that editor is like 3 days away from his two week vacation.




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And y'all thought the zombie thing was a joke.




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OK, the human goes to bed around 10. That's when we get our revenge...




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What.
The.
Hell.




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...as opposed to taking off and landing...?!?




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This is the picture that got the American auto makers the bailout.




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Our tax dollars at work.




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Vegas is still working out the kinks in it's 'family' personna.




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And another life-long therapy goer is born.




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Ooooohhhhhh! Oooohhhhhh! Mr. Kotter! I can spot the terrorist!




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Those southerners; so polite.




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That's when you know; you are karma's bitch.




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I told you facebook quizzes were written for zombies.




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...or you will be on the next episode of Law & Order SVU.

All The Way To The Craptastic End

I betcha all are wondering where the heck I went off to.

Well.

You see.

Aside from doing the two book reviews that I've committed myself to doing, I'm going to be very sporadic from here on out... As in maybe only LMFAO Fridays for a while.

As in, I'm not totally ready to throw in the towel, but I am tired of fighting to be here and fighting after I've been here.

Like when I bitched repeatedly about hubby's wannabe girlfriend the roommate I call Sam, and how much I had to hear about it when he got back from "Talk Trash About Aria Day" at our blog reading friends' this weekend. Or how he complains that I'm ALWAYS on the computer even though those of us living in the grown up world know there is no such thing as always or never.

Also, he has let me know, by way of argument, that after living with me for over three years, he doesn't get me one little bit, but only throws his own issues all over whatever I do and say.

Beyond hubby, I have been going through some major crap because I'm working through my own issues in an effort to get past them. In an effort to not bury them so they can grow out of control like a disease and cause problems throughout my life.

This has been misconstrued inside and outside of my home and I'm really fucking tired of defending myself to all the people that think they know, but can't even ask a question, thereby coming to the wrong conclusion and then holding me to their misconceptions.

Which, by the way, is a total bitch.

In other words I'm working on some personal shit... and as all parents know; shit is nasty, it stinks, nobody wants to be around it or help you with it, and whomever has the misfortune of taking care of the shit cares nothing about anything other than getting the shit off of them.

In short, coming up with funny ha-ha posts and trying to censor myself out of more trouble is so far down on my list of priorities since I'm trying to shuck off my shit.

So there you go. My craptastic~ness may or may not continue here or somewhere else.

Only time will tell.

I do have two book reviews to do (which I already mentioned, but am trying to reiterate to soothe my frowning readers) as soon as I finish the books. I'm on the first and it's wonderful, so I hope to have that one to you next week at the latest.

If Friday rolls around and I'm not sticking my head in the oven, I'll do my best to maintain the LMFAO Fridays. It's the best I can do right now, people.

In my absence, I hope that karma is kind and God blesses you all. I'll see you around as much as possible.

And let me just close with a huge thank you for all the support you have shown me since this blog's inception. I am so grateful for your generosity in commenting and encouraging my spoutings. Thank you.

LMFAO Friday ~ Rememberance Edition

It was a year ago this weekend that one of my favorite people on the entire planet died. My grandmother. Missing her still makes me cry more than I'd like to admit to. She was, quietly, and without fanfare, my rock. The only one with the same address, phone number and calm disposition for all the years I was lucky enough to have her in my life.

Gran, while you were too much of a lady to all-out belly laugh, nor do I ever recall you telling a joke, you gave enough smiles to enough people to have this LMFAO Friday be just for you... OK, and for you too, since you're here :-)

But because my grandmother was never the kind of person to point out someone's faults, but to emphasize their good qualities, this week, in her honor, it's all about the WINS.

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ps. It won't make the person you take home any more attractive in the morning either.




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Oh, it's there Mrs. Jones. That'll be $1.29 please.




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Did I call it, or did I call it?




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Hands down, this qualifies as my favorite Christmas lights display EVER!




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Hey! How'd a smart guy wind up in marketing?




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Oh Austin, behave!




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And cheaper too!




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And that is what we in the legal profession like to call, "a plain and simple Cover Your Ass."




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Can't you just hear the 'who's on first' routine?



And just one FAIL because... well... you'll see...




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That's a 'how to' every girl needs!

I'm So Not In The Mood For This

Image by stargazer95050 via Flickr

Well y'all. What can I say? I have a migraine, my phone line is down and I'm out of energy from chasing the turbo all weekend... OK,the chasing the turbo tot was an exaggeration. He's been better than usual, I'm just outta energy because I am.

I did however decide that I was taking Sunday off. I blame this decision on the education system of the United States. Had I never had a 5-day school week as a kid, I wouldn't have realized that Saturday and Sunday were 'days off'. Then I wouldn't have gotten older and made educated decisions to give up organized religion and take on parenting so that Saturday became the run around like a maniac with the family and the chores and such and then Sunday wouldn't have become relax from whenever till dinner because I don't get up for church. But then I'd also still be quasi-quoting the Bible about Sunday being a day of rest cause, to be honest, I like that one and I try to live by it, American education aside.

However since I'm a homebody and we were broke over the weekend, I only cleaned house on Saturday so I took my 'day off' by building myself custom cars on the websites and looking at laughably expensive real estate listings in CA and NJ and you know, it takes quite a strong imagination to flesh out the full single winning lotto ticket wealthy lifestyle when you're living in 540 square-falling-apart-feet and eating top ramen for lunch in po'dunk Texas.

But I'm strong. I did it.

I went from Toyotas to Lexuses in a few hours. I threw over Vacaville for Tiburon and Springfield for Alpine. So I'm ready now, to hit the lotto and willing to accept the accoutrements of wealth in my 7,000 sq ft mansion. But I've decided I want to live on those earnings for the rest of my life, so I settled for two Lexuses instead of the Ferrari and Lamborghini. Cause, you know, I'm practical like that. But I got so immersed in the fantasy that I neglected the house and the rest of existence for two whole days.

So now it's Tuesday and the house is a complete and total disaster. And having to deal with this trash heap of a house is not fitting in to my mental image Gucci lifestyle. it's so much easier to send the maid to do the dishes and she'd be fired for letting my kitchen get to this state what kind of a pig did I hire anyway?

*sigh* I can't even put it off till I win the lotto tonight and hire a good maid because it'll take weeks for the check to clear and I don't have enough dishes am just not that nasty. So I have to go in and play maid myself and it's ssssoooo depressing especially with already feeling like crap thanks to Mr Migraine. And even more so because that pic doesn't even show the rest of the disaster area that is my house as I type this. Because honestly, the only thing that might make my migraine better, aside from good maid service and cheesecake is this...

LMFAO Friday ~ Happy Birthday Josie Edition

Well, it's that time of year again... no, not Halloween, not daylight savings time, not official kickoff to the holiday season; it is, in fact, my daughter's birthday. Her ELEVENTH birthday to be exact. This is the part where I take a quick break to check for deepening crow's feet and notice that the number of grey's in my dirty-blond hair have grown exponentially... again. But enough about my being forced to admit my rapidly aging status and focus on my girl's rapidly aging status. 11 years old, 6th grade, talented and gifted program, still so beautiful and thoughtful and incredibly awesome that I'm still over here wondering how in the heck the universe decided that I was worthy of bringing her into the world. I love you Pea.



And for the rest of you who don't have a daughter named Josie with a birthday today, I'll say Happy LMFAO Friday and a great Halloween weekend to you; also, don't be a bonehead like me and remember to turn your clocks back sometime after 2 am on Sunday.

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We all know this picture was taken in a government building, right?




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The stock boy may have had some time left to his court-ordered anger management classes.




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I had to put Bessie up front, she's the one that knew where we were going.




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That'll stop 'em! (in Fantasy Land)




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I could insert any blond joke here, but I looked it up, and Blondie there is the class Valedictorian. Yeah.




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He's gotta have a foot long beard and two oxen (and a computer... Whoopsie!)




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That's a Texan nursery right there!




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I think the person who placed the ads may have been smoking the carnations.




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Whuutt?!?




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Tim didn't have to guess where the 'massage parlor' was.




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That's the computerized version of: "Buhwahahahahah!!! You want WHAT? Psht, Yeah, Skippy, THAT'LL happen! Not!"




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OMG Dude! Joey's going for the record! Chug! Chug! Chug!




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Replace the Jaden with Josie... even if there is a giant brown dildo on the cake.