Saturday, November 28, 2009

A Thanksgiving Weekend Post

It's Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend.

If y'all are like me, you are sick to damn death of turkey by now. The pies and mashed potatoes are gone but you still have stuffing and too much gravy and holy-hell-are-you-serious-I've-got-so-much-more-turkey-to-go-that-I-could-feed-both-my-own-household-and-a-third-world-country-for-about-a-week.

However, I for one am too poor to send said shitload of turkey to any third world country, so in my fridge it will sit, being eaten slowly so that it has the maximum potential to mock me every time I open the fridge. "HaHaHa Aria! I'm STILL HERE! And I, Mr Gobbles, know that you can't in good conscience eat other food while there's enough of me to feed starving children all around the world, so plate me up again and do your damnedest to control your gag reflex... like when you're giving head." That's what the fucking turkey says to me.

Mind you, it's not entirely accurate. I broke down and made an egg & cheese sandwich last night because I couldn't take it anymore.

Being broke is also THE BEST TIME IN THE WORLD TO GO TO THE MALL ON BLACK FRIDAY. Seriously. I know you're scratching your head and wondering what the hell I'm talking about. Moneyless people, such as myself, should be at home cowering under the kitchen table trying to hide from the talking turkey in their fridges not at the mall!

But you're wrong. Pack yourself a turkey sandwich or six and a big ole thermos of spiked egg nog (or just a bottle of rum cause you can buy a coke at any vendor in the food court) and find yourself a comfy bench or resting place. Preferably in the mall near the entrance to Best Buy but near the center fountain works just as'll probably be right by the Santa setup and oh Nellie, 'Kids Say the Darnedest Things' has nothing on perusing the line to see Santa.

Then sit. And wait. And try to take small bites of those sandwiches so you don't choke to death and become some other people-watcher's laugh of the day... just sayin'.

You will see an assortment of the most hilarious stereotypes on God's green earth. Wild-eyed frenzy will ensue all around you as bargain-hunters fly from one store to another determined to get the best deals, their wallets so worn out that they scream like someone in need of back surgery every time they're opened. These people laden themselves with so many bags and packages that they can scarcely see the walkway in front of them, never mind something else to buy. And if they stop for a rest they're dead cause it would take Schwarzenegger in his prime to hoist all that loot back into carrying position.

Sometimes the pros will bring a lackey, IE: a spouse, to run items to the car once they become unwieldy. This too is fun because after the first car-run the lackey will return in frantic search of his or her shopping maven only to discover them already carrying another full load to go to the car. These shopping-psycho-type-people should rent U-haul trucks for Black Friday. After the third return trip from the car as their Shopinista refills their arms full, you will hear something like, "How'd you find so much more stuff ALREADY?!? I was only gone for ten minutes!" The Shopinista's eyes will roll at their lackey as they refuse to dignify the comment with a response while they're 'in the zone!'

It's comical. Almost enough so that you forget that you're eating your billionth serving of turkey in under 24 hours. A tip for this Black Friday turkey diversion; make sure you take a cab, cause you'll never get parking with all the SUV's in the lot and you also don't want a DUI after downing all that rum. Just be sure to not be so shmammered that you can make your way back to Macy's so the cab can get you there. Cabbies feel safer outside of Macy's than Best Buy.

This Black Friday people watching will now work for you up untill Christmas, but won't be quite as eventful again until Christmas Eve after 2 pm.

Almost forgot that you were having turkey for dinner again, didn't you?

You're welcome. Registered & Protected


Mr. Knucklehead said...

Personally, I've always thought that leftovers were the best part of Thanksgiving. I love cold turkey sammiches with mayo.

The Retired One said...

Here is how sick we are...we left to drive down to Florida today (to visit my daughter and bring her our used car for a Xmas present) and we packed TURKEY sandwiches to eat on the road.
Like you, I didn't want to waste the meat and wanted to save money while traveling. I froze the rest at home so it will (gag) be waiting for us when we get back.
I am on the road tonight, outside of Toledo, Ohio..should arrive at St. Pete's Beach on Friday for a week's stay.
I hate shopping on Black Friday...actually I get all my grandkids stuff before Thanksgiving and their parents take it home disguised in a garbage bag (they are young and haven't discovered we do this yet) to open for Xmas day. We don't give each other anything anymore (mutual agreement) for Xmas...often we go out to the after Xmas sales and pick out what we want for the house (usually something small or something we want or need instead). It takes SO MUCH pressure off of Xmas not to have to worry about what we want/like for each other. My kids usually get gift certificates rather than something else, which they like better. So Xmas has become far less pressured for all of us.

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