In-Sanity

Talk to anyone who has ever been at a 12 step meeting, and if they remember nothing else, they will be able to quote, "insanity is continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results."

Initially, they mean; continue to use, your life will continue to be a disaster area, but what about after you're sober? I'm glad to say that I have long ago given up drinking to excess and smoking pot daily till I'm glued to whatever piece of furninture I happened to be sitting in when I started toking. And yet, my insanity continues in other areas of my life. Specifically, I still give all of my life over to my men and expect them to respect me.

When I do this, mind you it takes time, I eventually get lost in doing for them. I get lost in supporting their interests, furthering their causes and making their lives as comfortable as I am able. Over time, I become a favorite chair with their butt print in the seat cushion. They spill their food & drinks on me & sit on me with greasy pants from working on the car. No matter how many times I'm wiped up or vacuumed, I'm still stained and smell vaguely of sweat and hot sauce. After awhile, I'm worn out from them not putting the leg rest up & down properly. And never would a 'normal' person ask the opinion of a chair--at least not seriously. Nor do they discuss their day with a chair. And once it becomes stained and well used, they no longer show the chair any respect. For that matter, they don't even really see the chair anymore, they just know where it's suppossed to be and expect it to be there waiting the next time they go to sit in it. I won't even mention the pain in the ass the chair can be when it needs cleaning or you want to rearrange the living room.

I have decided to take concious steps to not be a chair. I have to remember and care for myself with love and kindness so others will do the same even if what I need conflicts with what others need. I need to fuel my own interests, not only fan the flames of the interests of people around me; espically if I have no interest in their interests. I need to respect myself so others will continue to see me as someone worthy of respect. I need to assert my opinion even when it differs from other people's if I feel strongly about it. Because once you become a chair in your homelife, you become a chair in public and most people are not in any way respectful of a chair on the side of the road; in fact you may even get moved over next to the trashcans.

So in my homelife, I am conciously going to work to bring the healthy balance back to right. I may still be my man's chair, but I've got a clean silk covering, my cushions are not dented or misshapen and my leg rest works like new-- and he needs to be my couch! I promise to treat him as if he is also covered in clean silk with new cushions. That way we can both start living In-Sanity; it's a much happier place to be.