The Box of Miracles - Day 30

I have completed an entire month on the program.

To be fair to the program, I must give you MY disclaimers.

Number one. I did NOT exercise. I kept feeling better and had more energy and saying that I was going to exercise... aaannnddd it never happened. My house is a little cleaner because I could go longer and get more done, but truly, aside from the laundry & housework & errands that I do everyday, I did nothing.

Number two. I did not eat sensibly for any of my meals. I did my two shakes a day, and then I ate whatever we were making for everyone else for dinner. I ate lasagna, sausage & potatoes, tortellini with meat sauce, and Chinese buffet (to give you some examples). I maybe ate 3 salads all month (which is totally normal consumption for me).

Number three. The super-magic-melt-you concoction is the Cleanse product. You can do a one or two day cleanse per week.  I did two 2-day cleanses in 30 days; not four.

Number four. I only did program-provided snacks about half the time. The rest of the time, I ate things that were approved by the program or not at all. You're not supposed to skip snacks, I did sometimes. There were days that I was not hungry between shakes. Yeah, never thought I'd EVER say that phrase!

And, Number five. I didn't always drink all the water I was supposed to in a day. Before the program, I might have slugged down 2-3 bottles a day (less than the 4 that makes your normal 8 glasses). I started at 283 lbs and according to the program, especially during cleanse days, optimum is about half your weight in water. There was no way in Hades that I was going to get 141.5 oz of water a day every single day. That's 9 bottles a day. Sometimes I made it, sometimes I didn't. If I got 6 I was more than satisfied with my water consumption.

Bottom Line: The program did ALL the work.

End result of 30 days on an amazing program and doing it like an actual human being who breathes, not a robot having to stick to a billion rules, regulations, and calorie counters... *drum roll please*

I lost 16 lbs (pretty good for 30 days on a traditional diet--ie. rabbit food, starvation, and killing yourself at the gym 5 days a week). So to eat what I wanted around the program and still have these results is amazing.

BUT THE WEIGHT LOSS WAS THE LEAST OF IT!

I lost 35.5 INCHES off of my entire body in that month. (that wouldn't even happen on 4 months on the traditional diet!) PHENOMENAL.

Best part is, that wasn't the best part. Seriously! It's the most visible part, but the best part is how I feel.

My joints don't hurt anymore. My hips were so bad before this program that I would literally get into the car and commute all of 15 minutes for work, and get out of the car like I was 80; barely able to walk. That's gone.

My hair and nails grew more quickly, and my hair got super shiny. My skin isn't a disaster area anymore. No breakouts even during hormonal times.

Speaking of which, my hormones got their shit together. I rarely have hives anymore (which was a daily struggle) and my hot flashes have literally disappeared (previously between 6-10 daily).

My mental clarity has returned and I haven't had coffee in 30 days. I used to need two coffee bowls before I even made it to work in the morning. Then I would drink 2-3 cups and a 44 oz. Coke in the afternoon to stay awake. My ex-co-workers can back me up on this.

My body recovers from strenuous activity more quickly. Yesterday I woke up after 5 hours of sleep. I hand-washed, dried & put away two loads of dishes. Washed, line-dried, folded & put away two loads of laundry. Cleaned the kitchen. De-cobwebbed the ENTIRE HOUSE; vacuumed ceilings, ceiling fans & light fixtures, walls, cabinets, and speakers. Dusted. Cleaned floors. Cleaned out the fridge. Bagged and took out garbage...The whole whammy with a lot of overhead work. A lot of shoulder use and strain.

I woke up this morning in no pain. Last month, I wouldn't have gotten all of that done in one day AND I would have been in bed damn near dying with an Advil-mainline drip today.

And last, but not least, my immune system is much stronger. Over the last two weeks, I've had Honey and two kids here, sick, and cared for by me.  They had fevers. They threw up and slept for hours on end and looked like death warmed over. I DID NOT GET SICK. I felt a little run down for about a day.

What I didn't feel like all month long... Like I deprived myself or had to work to achieve the results I got.

I really should have pulled my shirt tighter for the day one pictures, but I was pretty much filling it out without a lot of leeway in the shirt (plus I felt terrible about how I looked so I really wasn't able emotionally to show all the rolls)

Day one

Day 30

Day One

Day 30

My final 30 day analysis: Worth Every Penny and Then Some.

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Chronic Hope Junkies With Schitzophrenia

Writers are crazy.

What you really mean when you tell someone that you're a writer: Hi! I am a self-absorbed, chronic hope junkie with passive-aggressive attention issues and schizophrenia. 

We say that we're writing for us and that we don't care what other people think.

The first part is kind of true. It is a sort of therapy. I mean, how else can a person cope with having multiple characters talking inside our heads in multiple story-lines other than getting them out on paper and expanding them to make cohesive sense of the insanity? 

However, the second part is a complete and total lie. We are neurotically desperate for anyone who reads our work to like what we've come up with. We live and breathe on that hope.

Every time we publish something we become Sally Field at her most embarrassing public moment. Because, in our heads, we've realized glory, fortune and the sort of fame that still allows us to go to the grocery store, even though we could totally send someone else if we wanted to.

We have as much of a chance of realizing that reality from our writing as we do of hitting the lottery.

Our interpersonal relationships usually suffer because we're better at communicating on paper; and you have to seclude yourself to write. But we love company. But we can't stand being in public. But we need other people to bounce ideas off of. But we're extremely emotional and too much companionship hinders us.

We're subject to random sparks of inspiration... All. The. Time.

There is no such thing as a normal conversation with a writer. We jump track and go boldly where no man, woman, or child has gone before; and sometimes, there's a good reason why no one has. Because we're crazy.

In our heads, we're re-writing what you're saying and collecting your features and mannerisms to incorporate into our characters. We're expanding on your story line. 

You tell us that you went to the gas station, bought gas and cigarettes and drove back to the house. 

In our heads there was a robbery, a car crash, a turf war and a love story with pyrotechnics. It all plays out on our mental screen as we sit with a plastered-on-smile and a dim far-away look in our eyes 

We can't help it. It's an addiction that lives in us and has been there since we were as itty as a bitty gets. I've been writing since first grade. Even when I walk away from writing and live my life, I always come back to it...because the addiction calls me. 

I can't imagine what Stephen King's elementary teacher had to go through reading his creative writing assignments. She probably called his parents in for a conference concerning his mental state and what was considered appropriate material for a school essay...right after she peed her pants.

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Box of Miracles-Day 21

So, what else can the Box of Miracles do?

It can give you a professional life that saves you from a J.O.B.

I always wanted to help people. I had a vision years ago (a post for another time!) that I was going to be a philanthropist. I never knew how, but I had faith that one day I would hit the Lotto and be able to fulfill my calling.

I didn't realize that being a philanthropist is so much deeper than handing people wads of cash. It is truly helping others.

The Box of Miracles made me confident in my ability to help other people.

Whether they are simply looking for the best program to accomplish their physical goals or they want to transform their financial life, I have a solid answer for them. I have no reservations about telling people that I personally know (and would have to answer to if they weren't happy!) about this program. 

And that is ALL I DO.

I talk to people and share what I know.

I earn excellent compensation for my time and knowledge when I'm just running to the gas station and seeing someone that asks me about my Facebook posts. I go to the grocery store and run into someone who remarks on the fact that I'm melting and I'm able to help them with their physical struggle. Easy. As effortless as recommending a movie or cell phone.

It allows me to earn more in one week than I used to make all month.

I no longer need overtime nor do I calculate my earning potential by the hours I punch in to someone else's time clock. And here's the real kicker, instead of trying to keep me from earning additional money, this company is dedicated to helping me increase my income.I do not have to wait for six months for a raise. I will never be told again that my raise is not in the budget. I have the power to increase my income any time I choose. 

Let me repeat that for all of my hard-working friends with J.O.B.'s.

I have the power to increase my income any time I choose.

HOW?!?

This company takes all of their advertising budget and through the process of direct marketing, gives it to the people that sign other people up. We do not price gouge. There are no hidden fine print loopholes to payouts. It's all up front and is the same for the millionaires and the "I started last week" people alike.

Multiple people just like me have become millionaires by doing what I am doing in two years or less.

I now have concrete, ATTAINABLE goals of joining their ranks... actually being a millionaire before age 50 after 20+ years of doing low to mid-level customer service and administrative jobs.

I wanted to loose weight while I was looking for a J.O.B.

I found both in one product from one company that delivers bigger and better than I could have ever imagined before I started.

Win. Win. WIN.

I'm so glad I stopped procrastinating and made the one decision that changed everything.

Can I get a Hallelujah for the Box of Miracles?!?

Hallelujah!

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The Box of Miracles-Day 20

There is one "complaint" that I hear in Facebook groups full of people that have also found the Box of Miracles:
"I wish I had started sooner!"

I use this product. People I know use this product. We have had astounding results. The science behind the results is verifiable.

Every single person on this product becomes a healthier version of themselves because all of the targeted programs cleanse away years of toxicity and replenish the body with scientifically proven nutrition.

Long story short, it takes the crap out of your body and refills it with what your body actually needs to perform the way it was designed to perform.

It is a novel concept here, in modern day America, with our fast food and chemically processed and enhanced raw ingredients. Our government sold out for higher profits years ago, and our bodies (along with the rest of our lives) have paid the price.

Despite the corporate climate of America, there is a company that CARES about people. All people. That caring translates into products that assist everyone in building healthy cells despite the environment in which they live. And make no mistake about it, if you are breathing, your body is building cells.

Every person that uses these products benefits from them.

A bold statement in this age of disclaimers, but a true one.

Now, I started the weight loss program because I'm a tank ass. I released from my body over 31" and 16 pounds in 15 days (yes, it's my day 20, but I don't weigh and measure again till day 30 so these are my most current numbers). My son simply needs the correct nutrition for his growing body. My parents would focus on healthy aging. A finely tuned athlete would concentrate on muscle growth, stamina and quick recovery times. There are different programs targeted toward addressing your own individual needs.

You have one body to get through your entire life. 

Make sure yours can go the distance you want to go.

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Apparently When I Leave the House I'm In Colorado

I know about the upcoming full moon, but I'm pretty sure the real problem is that everyone is on dope. Mr. Hand was right.

Yesterday I had to pick up one of the kids at school and people all along the route had gone completely and utterly I swear I am going to wind up in jail behind these people stupid.

First everyone not exaggerating was driving so slowly that we were consistently 8 mph below the speed limit. 

I make a turn by the school and find myself behind an older gentleman what the hell are you doing Grandpa Higgins in a truck who is barely rolling what the hell is he stopped for... in the dead center of the street you are in town around the corner from the school at prime pick up time and I can't even get around your ass... texting faster than I do WTF... in a school zone where are the fucking cops I'd have already been pulled over and ticketed. I'm certain glaucoma medication was involved.

Then I'm going 60 mph on a road out of town slow speed for that stretch of road and a huge brontosaurusmobile welding rig pulls out in front of me and goes 5 mph WTF! Brakes don't fail me now!!! OH Holy Christ on a cracker!  wheew we're not going to die until we're both passed by another car now I can see the road ahead is clear around your brontosaurusmobile. So then I also go to pass because he's still going 5 mph Fucking Seriously Miss Daisy?!? and the jackwagon speeds up to keep me from passing him This motherfucker is trying to kill us! we're almost in the curve now! but I get around him You no account sorry son of a bitch trying to kill us! Don't you see I have a child in the car?! Howd'ja like that birdy, ya bastard! and turns off as I stare incredulously into the rear view mirror immediately. I'm convinced that he too was indulging in herbal remedies.

And finally, to top it off, I come upon a pair of non driving country redneck fucks gentlemen who were performing attempting to perform is more like it a right hand turn sweet Jesus help me he's turning on the street I need to turn on  from the left lane  you are in a short bed pick up not a semi with double trailers, genius going, I kid you not, 2 mph how is he even doing that? My car goes faster if I just take my foot off the brake. He finally; my deceased grandmother drives faster in reverse completes the turn and proceeds along his merry little way totally staring at me the entire time in the side view mirror like he escaped from Deliverance at the self same 2 mph again, seriously, I can't get my car to go slower than 5 mph without breaking down the center taking your half of the road right out of the middle like the little piggie you are of the road which, while a country road, has a lot of traffic and it's not like I don't see you seeing me in the rear view mirror which is so super creepy that I'm pretty sure you're a serial killer. In fact, you look like Ted Bundy. Plus there is traffic coming towards us so I can't tell if your homicidal or suicidal because of the hour. We finally get past Ted Bundy's copycat killer. Pretty. Damn. Sure. this guy and decide that he must need some antipsychotic drugs with those crazy eyes be a stoned serial killer.

The rest of the trip was uneventful Thank GOD! How much more can one woman take in a single trip? Now I want to get stoned.

We finally make it home and my Honey asks, "How was the drive?"

My first thought was, "Everyone on the road is stoned out of their fucking minds, and I faced a serial killer!"  But he's been telling me lately to tune it down on the drama which makes me envision shanking him in his face. Allegedly.

So I simply replied, "It was normal for this time of year. in Colorado maybe!"

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The Box of Miracles- Day Eight

Let me tell you a little story about a woman from New Jersey.

She got married out of nursing school to her high school sweetheart, had two children, and acquired a house with property and relationship misery that resulted in divorce when her children were six and three years old. She'd grown heavier, and newly single, she began to experiment with dieting.

She tried them all; Weight Watchers, Lean Line, Overeaters Anonymous, Optifast, among multiple others. She would last a few months or a year or so and not get the results she wanted or would stray because they were difficult with her single mom life.

The house revolved around these diet and nutrition changes.

Year after year it went this way. The woman's sister also battling with her weight. Sometimes they'd go on the same diets. Then both sisters' children grew up and they too had weight issues. The children started going on the same diet programs; they commiserated as cousins the failures and successes they were having.

And collectively, they all gained and lost many, many times. They stopped telling each other about their diet programs. While they all perpetually dieted and fell-off diets, none of them found something new to share. The results were always the same, after water-weight loss, the scale moved at a glacial pace and they were exhausted and sick to death of whatever they'd been eating. They were basically all a waste of time and money, but hey as long as they were dieting, there was always the hope that the miracle would be found. Even surgery wasn't the miracle. Talk about a let-down!

Fast-forward to early 2015.

Karen, one of the cousins, started a new program. She heard about it from her friend Denise. They had been co-warriors in their respective battles of the bulge for many years. Denise was getting jaw-dropping results. Very, very quickly. Karen bit. Karen started to get jaw-dropping results too! Also very, very quickly. She told me about her success months ago.

I was hooked! I wanted in! Now!

*SUPERLOUDSCREECHOFTRUCKTIRESBREAKING*

It's how much? HOW MUCH?!?

I won't tell you what I said, but I will say that it involved the services of both a masseuse and a gigolo.

So I sat by the sidelines; watching, waiting...trolling Karen and Denise on Facebook, drooling over their photos.

And I knew how to get there, but I had other financial commitments! I have kids and a house and a car and phones and...

Just. Like. Everyone. Else.

The first time buy in for the package I needed was a full paycheck (if I didn't have deductions and did have overtime). Yeah, every month after that would be less, but that first chunk was hard to wrap my head and my wallet around.

NOT HAPPENING. TOO MUCH. CAN'T DO IT.

But the program and its promises, the visible results from Karen and Denise haunted me. I saved up. And I started showing My Man the posts. And we got excited together and talked about doing the program the way people talk about what they would do if they hit the lottery.

Labor day weekend done, I return to work to find I no longer had a job. I filed for unemployment and was awarded less than half of my net income for a 40 hour week.

Now we're REALLY broke.

We find out there's a business side to the program.

Denise works the full time business side of the program. She announced on Facebook that she had replaced her corporate salary where she was employed for 20 years--I don't know the math, but living in Texas is a lot less expensive than living in New Jersey.

The dollar signs flashed in my head.

We did more research, and the business side of the company has created 136 millionaires in 13 years. I like those odds! People are becoming millionaires by doing something that is good for them, feeling better, gaining lean muscle mass, dropping inches, erasing wrinkles...and simply telling other people what it has done for them...BECAUSE THE PRODUCT WORKS. It DOES all of that, and more. Everyone has their own transformation story.

Now, I'm not just buying into a "weight loss program" but a business which has as much income potential as I give it, because all I would have to do is tell people the truth about what it has done for me and people that I personally know. I would help people achieve concrete change in their bodies and anyone that does the program can get paid to do it... by a reputable company.

I drank the Kool-aid.

We finally managed a way to order the program. Secure in the fact that it came with a 30 day money back guarantee (because I was still jaded and wanted a way out in case it didn't work for me like it did for Karen and Denise). I started the program on October 16, 2015.

Today is my first measure milestone--Day Eight. I have been on the program for seven full days and I have lost 23.75 inches. I have energy. My skin is glowing. I'm thinking more clearly. Every inch of my body inside and out is improving because I'm doing this.

Every failed dieter mantra that I have heard in my own head over my 36 years of dieting is evaporating in the glow of concrete results.

Everywhere I go people that recognize me are asking me what I'm doing.

I still have two and a half weeks to go before my 30 day money back guarantee expires...

THEY CANNOT HAVE MY BOX OF MIRACLES BACK!!!

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Back By Popular Demand (yeah, I know, I don't believe it either)

So, here I've been, living a quiet life in the country. 

Staying busy with work and home and kids, staying off of Facebook (other than sharing memes), returning the satellite, and kissing the internet goodbye (other than my cell phone)...

Unplugged.

Paying attention to real life and real people.

Working.

All with, to, for, by, and about people that didn't even know I wrote...well anything other than warranty submission stories. When I would tell them that I had a defunct blog it was like I was talking about someone else.

Nobody in real life cared, and I was too tired to consider spending time on something as frivolous as a blog.

One day, *poof* job is gone.

So, I started a home business with complete approval of my man otherwise he would have killed me about eight ways and buried me in several undisclosed locations. Allegedly. where I get to help people with an amazing product that CHANGES LIVES! Truly. Including my own! 

I started a home business; now I have to do network marketing.

So I got back on Facebook.

And I started reconnecting with people that have known me for so long that they knew me under other names. 

Now for some insane, unfathomable, you've got to be fucking kidding me reason, the Universe has decided it's time to resuscitate my deader than Hillary Clinton's scruples defunct blog.

But I am hugely flattered that I recently have had more people ask me about this blog and my writing, or tell me that I need to breathe life back into that which I had given up for dead.

I don't know why. The Bloggess herself, the NY Times Best Selling Author of Furiously Happy, Jenny Lawson used to read my blog.True Story.

So here you are, my fans Jesus Aria, you sound like a total douchebag. I pray that I do your exalted you're hallucinating! are you on fucking LSD? memory of my prior work justice.

For better or worse, over two years later, I'm back.

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