Thursday, October 29, 2015

Apparently When I Leave the House I'm In Colorado

I know about the upcoming full moon, but I'm pretty sure the real problem is that everyone is on dope. Mr. Hand was right.

Yesterday I had to pick up one of the kids at school and people all along the route had gone completely and utterly I swear I am going to wind up in jail behind these people stupid.

First everyone not exaggerating was driving so slowly that we were consistently 8 mph below the speed limit. 

I make a turn by the school and find myself behind an older gentleman what the hell are you doing Grandpa Higgins in a truck who is barely rolling what the hell is he stopped for... in the dead center of the street you are in town around the corner from the school at prime pick up time and I can't even get around your ass... texting faster than I do WTF... in a school zone where are the fucking cops I'd have already been pulled over and ticketed. I'm certain glaucoma medication was involved.

Then I'm going 60 mph on a road out of town slow speed for that stretch of road and a huge brontosaurusmobile welding rig pulls out in front of me and goes 5 mph WTF! Brakes don't fail me now!!! OH Holy Christ on a cracker!  wheew we're not going to die until we're both passed by another car now I can see the road ahead is clear around your brontosaurusmobile. So then I also go to pass because he's still going 5 mph Fucking Seriously Miss Daisy?!? and the jackwagon speeds up to keep me from passing him This motherfucker is trying to kill us! we're almost in the curve now! but I get around him You no account sorry son of a bitch trying to kill us! Don't you see I have a child in the car?! Howd'ja like that birdy, ya bastard! and turns off as I stare incredulously into the rear view mirror immediately. I'm convinced that he too was indulging in herbal remedies.

And finally, to top it off, I come upon a pair of non driving country redneck fucks gentlemen who were performing attempting to perform is more like it a right hand turn sweet Jesus help me he's turning on the street I need to turn on  from the left lane  you are in a short bed pick up not a semi with double trailers, genius going, I kid you not, 2 mph how is he even doing that? My car goes faster if I just take my foot off the brake. He finally; my deceased grandmother drives faster in reverse completes the turn and proceeds along his merry little way totally staring at me the entire time in the side view mirror like he escaped from Deliverance at the self same 2 mph again, seriously, I can't get my car to go slower than 5 mph without breaking down the center taking your half of the road right out of the middle like the little piggie you are of the road which, while a country road, has a lot of traffic and it's not like I don't see you seeing me in the rear view mirror which is so super creepy that I'm pretty sure you're a serial killer. In fact, you look like Ted Bundy. Plus there is traffic coming towards us so I can't tell if your homicidal or suicidal because of the hour. We finally get past Ted Bundy's copycat killer. Pretty. Damn. Sure. this guy and decide that he must need some antipsychotic drugs with those crazy eyes be a stoned serial killer.

The rest of the trip was uneventful Thank GOD! How much more can one woman take in a single trip? Now I want to get stoned.

We finally make it home and my Honey asks, "How was the drive?"

My first thought was, "Everyone on the road is stoned out of their fucking minds, and I faced a serial killer!"  But he's been telling me lately to tune it down on the drama which makes me envision shanking him in his face. Allegedly.

So I simply replied, "It was normal for this time of year. in Colorado maybe!" Registered & Protected

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