A Crisis of Education

Image by pirate johnny via FlickrWhen I started school, I loved it.

What's not to love?

I was living in tight quarters with a man I was constantly at war with, a child who was completely out of control because he's psychic as hell and was living in a war zone, no job, no friends, and a desperate need to not put a gun in my mouth.

School seemed like a productive escape from all of it, with the possibility at the end to rise above where I had been in my professional life.

And I was good at it...

Well, as good as a person in extreme stress can be when they add more stress to their life...

But I racked-up a GPA of 9.96 without really trying.

I managed to get the assignments in on time and just write in my normal fashion for the rest of it. Although, I'd start my 100 point, 1500 word, Sunday assignments on Sunday morning with my coffee and stress everyone else out because I waited till the last moment (what can I say, not my finest set of hours).

A's... even in Critical Thinking... and I was calling my academic advisor scared that I was tanking the class (to which she laughed, and asked if I currently had a B).

I made plans and set goals to have my Master's by the time I turned 45 and be a hospital administrator until I retired.

Then my life blew up, and somehow, by the Grace of God, I passed Pathology without a final. Then the next round of classes came up and... I got through them, but not well.

I was living in my car without electricity and working around the library's schedule for internet access. It was something to maintain my focus, and again, keep me from going completely kazoo. It gave me an obligation, and I needed it, so I muddled through.

I absolutely detested my Management of Information Systems class.  The reading would put an insomniac to sleep in 12.2 seconds, and I don't care the least little bit about the intricacies of IT an how it relates to a business structure. I passed (surprising me fully with a C-) but by now my GPA was down to 3.39.

Then I started this block. And I decided that GPA didn't matter, I wasn't going to stress myself out anymore about school and rocking awesome grades like my sister who is milliseconds away from obtaining her bachelors degree with a sterling GPA and recognition from the college and it's faculty members alike.

I just wanted to get through it... get my AA and see where I stood from there.

But I don't have a miserable life anymore. I have a nice place to live, a job I enjoy, friends to visit, the possibility of love out there somewhere, a son that's become even more incredible and amazing and a real pleasure to be around since he's not living in a war zone, a daughter who is a few months from 13 and needs more time input from her Mom, and Joy, and God, and a healthy relationship with myself.

And my classes are Algebra and Insurance Claims Forms Billing I.

Algebra, no problem, I can breeze through that if I want to... problem is, I haven't wanted to.

And Insurance Claims...? That personifies what I find wrong with most of the medical profession in a big fat billion-dollar nutshell. And it's easy, but I hate it for it's implications on the world that this American lives in.

So I completely rocked week one, and have been checking in ever since, only making the attendance requirement. Still enrolled, but not actively participating.

Or giving a damn, for that matter.

And I woke up this morning because this was the planned day to get my scholastic self together and get back to it; to somehow salvage this week of grades, and do enough to pass the classes and move on.

Except, I realized something: the only thing left in my life that was really making me miserable was school.


The only class that I actually enjoyed, the entire time I've been doing this...even when I was getting straight A's, was World Religions.

I don't enjoy school, and what's more, I hate Healthcare. It's a mess of bureaucratic bullshit that has the temerity to call itself helping people, when what it really does is give the barest essentials of help to real people, for a staggering amount of money that winds up breaking the financial lives of anyone that truly needs help.

Don't get me wrong, some of the doctors and nurses are still good people with a real desire to help others.

But, most of the tech's in the offices just wanted to stop working as cashiers and make more than minimum wage, and only focus on showing up, to make their paychecks, not on the patients as people.

And, the system of it, is a greedy corporate machine and it makes me want to spew obscenities and hurl things with great force.

I have no desire or passion to be in that. Unlike my multi-degree'd sister, who feels like she finally found her calling, and her degrees are a means to an end of doing exactly what she loves doing.

Conversely, the more I learn about the intricacies of medicine and health care, the more infuriated I become at the system.

And I know the saying about keeping your enemies close, but it's just not working for me.

So I'm having a crisis of education. And I'm in turmoil about it. And I just want it to be over, but I'm not sure I have the will to plow through to the end.

Prayers are appreciated... Pray that I get this crisis of education figured out before it breaks me. Because it is either going to break me financially, mentally, or in the area of self-esteem depending on whether I stay or go.

And right now, I'm so on-the-fence, that my butt hurts.

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Out of Control and Back Again

Image by JDB Photos via FlickrI know there was a planetary thing going on. Was it all due to Super Moon? I have no idea.

Whatever it was, I could feel it.

I was off the chain, and so were a lot of people I know.

That which was buried deep within us, was rearing it's heads, fully, wholly, and uncontrollably.

Some were angry and frustrated with the world to new heights, some were depressed to new depths of low. Some took areas of interest and ran unchecked head-long into them. Some were unable to control their libidos...

It was a virtual frenzy of internal shit-storm that rose to the surface and swam over our lives; our own crashing into that of those around us and causing a swell that wiped us all out in one fashion or another.

Then last night, it was over.  With the flick of some cosmic switch.

And we're all left cleaning up the disaster areas that our thoughts, words, and actions have spawned.

Consequences to be faced in the light of renewed control.

Personally, I can look at my frenzy and accept that those things sprang to the surface from somewhere buried so deeply within myself that I was unaware that they existed.

A purge of sorts... of the heart and soul and spirit... and not a pretty one.

Leaving me today to deal with what I have wrought with some embarrassment and regret. Regret not for my actions or words, because I was helpless to do or say or be otherwise.

The regret is for the effects I have had on others during that state, and the  inevitable changes to dealing with those effects with the return to normalcy.

So I go through, apologetically, cutting ties and making amends and trying to put the pieces back together in a healthy and productive manner.

However unsure I may be as to the long term outcomes and what I must face about myself; my  own wants, needs, desires, and head-space.

The key for me is forgiveness of self. Acceptance of that which bubbled forth from my depths, and contemplation of how those things fit into the visions I have for my existence; and how to go forward with this new-found knowledge of myself...

As uncomfortably revealing as it may be.

Sometimes, I guess, the only way to grow as a person is to surprise yourself to a level bordering on shocking...and occasionally dancing over that line.

So, whatever you have experienced during the planetary shift... learn from it.  Use it to grow into a more fully realized image of yourself.

May God show us all the purposes, and guide us while we are picking up our respective pieces.

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Sucking Down a Cuppa Awareness and Trying Not to Choke

Image by Stuck in Customs via FlickrSo I was over on facebook (I know, shocker!) and my friend made a comment on one of my statuses that both made me laugh and made me stop dead in my tracks...

She offered me a cup of awareness.

Ouch, Hallelujah!

How fucking clueless have I been? Oh only this much *stretches arms wide like a little kid*

My evolved may not be so evolved in some areas... one in particular.

Love relationships.

Although, the last three months has taught me a lot about why my past relationships form a pattern of similarity, I still haven't gotten to the point where I'm able to stop making the mistakes.

Even though I recognize them now and can express them clearly, I still fight with myself about the follow through when it comes to changing the behaviors.

But, it's time for change... I've undergone so many so fast, I guess I just expected them all to happen that quickly... but God only gifts ya so much before you have to do the actual leg work.

Sometimes, you have to suck down that cup of awareness and admit that the one you think you want is incapable of giving you what you need.

...that, for whatever reason you think you want to hang on, it simply will not work. That person is not your one, because it is simply too much frustration and work.

I know what happens when it doesn't work for me. I get ugly. I become hostile because the person I have chosen to hang on to does not do what I need him to do for me.

He doesn't communicate in the way that I need for my heart to feel safe and then  my communications shut down as well.

He isn't there when I think that a partner should be there to support me in my times of pain or weakness, so I stop showing that side of myself.

In short, the walls of protective anger grow up around my wounded insides and the moat of hostility grows ever wider and deeper until it becomes wholly impassable.

Except, I always want them to cross it, and scale the walls; charging in, colors flying, sword held high and I fall for every attempt they make wanting so much for it to be different.

It never is.

Once the pattern is set it's done for. All back-tracking and lovey times from then on are short-lived and doomed to failure.

Don't get me wrong, I've learned that if we (me and Mr. whoever the hell you are, where the fuck are you anyway?) can discuss issues as they arise, communicate well and healthily and the behaviors are changed as they come up (cause sometimes you just don't know you're dancing all over someone's issues until it is discussed), then the relationship can stay healthy, and caring, and loving, and connected...

All the things that grown-ups need to build their real-life version of the fairy -tale relationship... the one based in reality, that has its ups-and-downs because life isn't all Skittles and beer, but is still solid, safe, comfortable, respectful, and yes, even lusty... even when you're doing the laundry and taking out the trash.

I just haven't found the one that can do that with me.

But somewhere, somehow, I know he's out there.

Because the Universe is a creature of balance, and balance comes in pairs.

I guess I just haven't evolved enough to find him...

YET.

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How Many People are in That Body of Yours Anyway?

Image via WikipediaI'm starting to wonder that very question.

To say, "one" is to limit yourself, to say higher numbers draws the attention of mental health professionals.

But really, aren't we all more than one person?

We have our private side, that is known only to us and whatever universal force we subscribe to (mine is called God, and is a He...what can I say, I was raised Roman Catholic... feel free to substitute whatever moniker rings with your truth). We have our intimate relationship side that only our significant other sees. We have our parenting side, our work persona, our under the influence side (pick any type of personality altering drug or drink), our in-real-life public side, our online public side... the list goes on...

So it is with a great amount of amusement that I face raised eyebrows for being so admittedly spiritual and still having a fair number of 'bad' habits.

How can I have God in all of my life and still smoke, or cuss, or want sex, or any other thing that religiously repressed people consider unGodly?

Well, that's easy (for me anyway)... I allow for the complexities of myself.

The good and the bad ones.

Some things about me are evolved and advanced and I am grateful for them.

Other things about me are in need of change... I simply accept them as part of myself until God starts dealing with me about them.

I don't hate myself because the Bible says that I should not do something that I do.

I work with God to build, hone, and maintain my own personal moral compass.

I think, so far, it's a pretty good one... but not perfect... I can stand to change and in some areas I should... eventually.

But everything we see as an imperfection within ourselves, is not there to make us look in the mirror with loathing. Even those imperfections are put within us so that we may follow our journey, our path, His call for our life.

If I hadn't been such an angry energy in my earlier years, maybe I'd have been open to attacks that would have changed the course of my life. Maybe that black-tar of hostility was actually a shield for me to walk through my life.

I'm glad that it is gone now, and I only have occasional bouts of situational anger, but all those years that I was vibrating with viciousness, it probably saved the life that I now enjoy.

So I will not shy away from ranting when it is warranted, just because God has brought me through to a different state of being.

He didn't want us to be doormats for the world to wipe their feet upon. A little anger can be healthy. So can a lot of other 'bad' things when they're kept in balance.

So accept yourself; gifts, faults and everything in-between.

The life you save, may well be your own.

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Life Isn't Quite the Suckfest It Once Was... An Update... Finally

Image by Getty Images via @daylifeWell, well... it only took two months to update again... But this time it's a new dawn in an internet connected place to live... for real... for a while... until I can get my own.

For those of you who do not do facebook (or follow me there), let me catch you up... quickly...

Which is probably not really fair to those of you that only know me here, and for that I apologize for the gyp, but rehashing two months of this crazy life of mine, as fun as that may sound, is boring as hell for me, so I'll give ya the highlights and hope you can forgive me and follow along, since I will be blogging much more regularly once again...

In between working, and school, and spending time with my son (who still lives with his father but visits regularly now), and trying to piece together an actual life that does not solely consist of sitting in front of the computer on my days off.

What can I say... I'm a rebel.

I still believe in Real Life beyond the screen despite it's many pitfalls and the insanity of the world at large.

I've changed... reborn you might say... but you already knew that... so let me tell you what you may not know....

I got a place to stay with a friend of Tx-ex's. I moved in on Valentine's Day night. He gave me a key to the house the next morning. He's the best roomie ever.

EV-AR.  Hands down... and that includes my sister when we were kids.

We are not a couple.

It's one of the healthiest non-relationships of my life.

I got a job two days later at the local grocery store. I was hired as a closing bookkeeper and cashier. The people are awesome and a month later, I still love it... in that 'below my capabilities so I totally rock this job' kind of way.

Don't care. I'm eligible for benefits and a 401K in two months and I make more than minimum wage... added bonus; it's literally a two minute drive from the house... with traffic.

School.... *sigh* what to say? I still want my degree, but I have been slacking. An easy thing to do when you work till late and have no internet.... but I'll buckle down now that I have a solid place to do it... at least until I get my AA. Beyond that, who knows?

Truth be told, I love learning, and hate schoolwork. So...we'll see. Not super thrilled about having to learn the intricacies of insurance rules and regulations either. So I'm totally passing, but no where near giving a damn about my GPA at the moment.... and 5 more years of classes for my Masters... who the fuck knows.

The guy? Well, we're "in talks".  I'm not even going to go there, other than to restate a couple of my facebook statuses and the issues behind them:

Lack of communication: Your silence speaks louder than a pimp's golf pants.

The on again off again nature of our still-long-distance-relationship: I miss you even if you are the butt-crack sand in the bathing suit of my life.


My daughter is doing beautifully, although she has been throwing me some definite teenager 'tude and has been dripping sarcasm all over me... of which I'm kind of proud... 'cause I'm from Jersey.

And my son and I turned 4 and 40 respectively on the 6th. That picture is now my facebook profile picture and I only even have it because A both thought of it and had the patience to get a great shot of us.

And that's all I've got for the updates. I'm better than fine, but not spectacular. I pray every day and send out blessing texts most mornings to my peeps. Some days they come from me, and other days they come through me...

Either way, makes no difference to me. I'm just grateful to be alive, with a car that still runs, a job that I don't mind going to, a place to live with my own room, shower, and house key, friends and family that stood by me, and two kids that I love no matter where they are, how they act, and how they still make me feel in awe that God would entrust their amazing selves to me of all people, and most of all, a deep, strong relationship with God, who makes me learn about myself and fix what is fucked up with me.

In old-Aria terminology: Life isn't quite the suckfest it used to be... but it is far from being a completed journey.

Blessings!

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