LMFAO Friday ~ Post I'm NOT At BlogHer '09 Edition

Oh, my dear blog readers... it's been a very long time since I've seen the post-sleep side of 8 am, but here I was this morning, peeling my eyeballs and sitting, drooling in front of the coffee pot chanting like the old Mervyn's commercial... instead of "open open open" it was "hurry the fuck up dammit!" Nice to know I'm such a lady in the morning, eh? Yeah, NOT. My mother is so proud...

Anyway, I've been reading BlogHer recount posts all friggin' week... as if not going wasn't bad enough, now I had to read about what a blissful time you had. Suck my big toe. Although, the one from Barefoot Foodie was good, which her stuff always is, but the hands down, made me laugh so hard I was crying and trying not to wet myself winner was The Bloggess with her final BlogHer post entitled Nancy W. Kappes (paralegal) is Real and I Have Witnesses. Wow, Jenny is one fantastically twisted writer. So y'all need to go over to Bloggess and Barefoot (cause I'm so cool that I'm on a first blogger-name basis with them even if they don't know I exist, kind of like when I call Jon Bon Jovi 'Bon Jon' like I know him) when you're done here... I said, "WHEN You're Done Here!" Damn, don't sprint off just yet! I want to hear what you think about the new header, tagline and sidebar-about me-blurb, so comment before you go...Oh, and if I don't follow your blog yet, leave me a comment with the URL so I can check it out, because I've decided to add each and every single blog I follow to my blogroll, which means, FREE LINK for all you other bloggers out there! Oh, and I'll be updating the bumper stickers this weekend... yes, thank you, I know I've been slacking, stop throwing darts at me!

And now... on with LMFAO Friday!! Happy weekend everyone!

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From the Land Before Time John Connor Edition...




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...which is why it's SO embarrassing that we can't spell language!




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I wonder what that would be in Braille...




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Obviously this is the inspiration for the saying, "There is a thin person inside of me... but I can usually shut the bitch up with chocolate."




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Vanna is such a WASP, that this is the only way she can cuss.




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PETA's new design for a centipede-friendly bathroom.




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So make it good, cause we're trying to win both AFV's $20k and an Adult Film award.




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Imagine having to tell your from-out-of-town mother-in-law where you're going!?!




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Funny, I don't see a blow-hole on him... oh wait, that's just cause his mouth is closed.




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Ted decided to break into the micro-niche business of elephant dildos...




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Soon to be renamed the Michael Jackson clinic...after they start selling Diprivan of course!




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OK, so not only is it a WTF on the repair job, but look at what it's covering... WTFWTFWTF happened to that vehicle?!?!?




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You don't know, Aunt Elsa could be a programmer, but even if you get past all the code, 1926 to 2006 still doesn't make 100 years... just sayin'




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Jack Hoff always thought he was cooler with a concussion...




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A.K.A. Slacker University




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Why diets fail... tonight on Hard Copy.




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I'd just let them keep the underwear, ya know?




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Madam, for the last time, you are not a size 6.

How Well Do You Know Harry Potter ~ Yes, A Quiz

So do y'all remember a week or so ago when I told y'all about our midnight pancakes and Harry Potter viewings? Well, things have changed. We still do the pancakes, but, Harry...

My son is Harry~ed. Or Harry~fied. Or whatever Harry word you can come up with. The boy has taken to telling us about the "ShhhhNake" or Dobby or shouting "Up!" at the vacuum cleaner attachments. He has also learned to work the home theater system better than a Best Buy employee... so we go from one Harry to another Harry to another Harry... until my daughter and I are playing our own Harry Potter game: we give each other lines and have to tell each other what movie it comes from. I haven't been to the theater for installment #6 yet, but I've got 1 thru 5 down cold.

Being as this is my life right now, I'm going to give you a chance to play... All of these lines come from the MOVIE versions of the Harry Potter books:

1. The Sorcerer's Stone
2. The Chamber of Secrets
3. Prisioner of Azkaban
4. The Goblet of Fire
5. The Order of the Phoenix

So what movie did these lines come from? Mind you, most of these are for the advanced class, Boo is on week two of all Harry all the time... besides, I hate easy trivia, it's an even bigger waste of time than... well, difficult trivia.

Good Luck!

1. Foul, loathesome evil little gargoyle!

2. Foul, loathesome troll!

3. You see it all the time with dogs. If there's something wrong with the bitch, there's something wrong with the pup.

4. That's right, Harry, no post on Sundays.

5. It's not much, but it's home.

6. Diagonilly!

7. Blimey, that's one big woman.

8. Look at him, Petunia! Our boy's gone yumpy.

9. I'll be upstairs making no noise and pretending I don't exist.

10. Alas. Earwax.

11. Goodbye, friends of Hagrid.

12. Sorry, professor. I must not tell lies.

13. Fine. Just so's ya know, he's a bloody coward.

14. I solemly swear that I am up to no good.

15. The Irish are getting their pride on!

16. You have dirt on your nose, did you know? Just there.

17. You know how I love it when they walk.

18. You stroke the spine, of course!

19. Accio Firebolt!

20. Don't call me Nymphadora!

21. He's back!

22. Give me my wand, Tom.

23. Slytherin!!!

24. Turn to page three-hundred and ninety-four.

25. You've got to mean it, Harry.

So what do you think? Did you pass your OWLs?
Let me know how you did!

Click here for answers!

LMFAO Friday ~ I'm Not At BlogHer '09 Edition

No, I didn't make it to BlogHer '09 this week(end). I've been reading all your tweets and posts you BlogHer people, and may I just say, with all green-eyed-jealousy; all your partying and joint admiration/love... you suck. Are ya sure that your roommate didn't just steal your keywords or your template out from under you with all that fake buddy-buddy stuff? You know that it doesn't matter if you're rooming with a nun, they're ordering loads of in-room porn and sucking down all the alcohol out of the mini-fridge when you're not there and are going to stick you with the bill, right? And Chicago is the land of mobsters, I'd be sure to double check my luggage before I left, if you get my drift...

Now, with my non-jealous self, I hope you're having a wonderful time and making contacts and friendships that will last you the rest of your blogging careers if not the rest of your lives.

Alrightey then. Let me give ya the funny so I can go back to reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince so that I can be sorely disappointed when I finally get to watch the movie, just like I was with Order of the Phoenix... (yeah, I know, aren't I just a breath of sunshine this morning?) Happy LMFAO Friday, y'all!! ;-D

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Obviously, the marketing department didn't use the software...




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That was the last time Suzy dressed her son as a peanut...




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The love child of Chucky and Teddy Ruxpin.




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Surprisingly, Rich didn't pass his SAT's either.




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Ottawa's attempt at becoming a top honeymoon destination...




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Oh, you wretched phone, why do you lie to me?




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Judi was mortified to see that Home Depot hadn't forgotten her last visit with the kids...




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The gay mafia diversifies from Hollywood into transportation...




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(s)He should have won. That's what Marilyn would have looked like today if she'd lived.




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Do I get a discount? Even the advertising tells you it's a used cookie!




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Even more wrong; this is in the teacher's supply store...




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No breathalyzer required...




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Ohhh, Mr. Dillinger, look a time machine!




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The Soup Nazi's new vending machine venture...
"No chips for you!"

One of Those Non-Humorous Self-Awareness Posts

There are things that you learn as you go along. Some of them are innocuous, but helpful; putting a little oil in a pan and rubbing it in with a paper towel will 'season' it, and you won't need to keep adding butter as you cook your pancakes... and others are simply notice as you go; a two year old will watch the same movie over and over and over loving each and every moment, while even a great movie viewed that many times by an adult will make their eyes bleed... and still others are revelations about yourself that allow you to progress to the next phase of your life.

With any luck, some of those self-revelations come early enough in your life that you don't pass their effects on to your children... but, whatever the timing, these Ah-Ha moments tend to change you forever. Because we, as humans, can't un-see what we've seen, un-learn what we've learned nor un-hear what we've heard.

The other thing that happens with a self-revelation is that it will start uncovering other things in it's periphery. Entire chunks of time or similar life experiences will come back to you even if you haven't thought about them in 20 years, but now you'll see the correlation. Things will make sense now that made no sense whatsoever at the time, or you will find out about a different perspective, how it looked to someone else back then that backs up what you have only now come to realize. It can be amazing. It can also be infuriating. And sometimes, it makes life as you know it, and are currently living it, all but intolerable.

As you may have guessed, I'm not just waxing poetic over here. I have had one of those revelations recently. Brought about by a picture of myself when I was seven and a couple of 'remember when' conversations with my sister... the kind that started out talking about Ann Rule books and serial killers and somehow coming around to knock hockey. Actually, I know how that subject shift happened. We had a mass murderer in our neighborhood growing up. I actually played with him as a kid, on the rare occasions that he was allowed out to play.

Anyway... that's so not what I was getting to, even if that's more interesting. Thing is, you never know what someone is going through... and that someone may even be yourself. Because our psyche tends to lock away the toxic waste of our past so that we can't look at it directly, even when it seeps into the soil and alters the rest of our life tree and how it grows and what it finds acceptable and even nurturing in other areas of our lives. I know you want the juicy details, but they're unimportant. This kind of thing happens to everyone with any shred of self-awareness.

The thing is this. Be kinder to yourself. Treat yourself like you matter. Don't be so hard on yourself. Give yourself grace. Do for yourself as if you were one of your best friends. We usually don't. We may put ourselves on the list, but it's so far down behind other people or other priorities that we get overlooked. We need to be in the top three always. Seriously. And I'm not talking about the kids starving so you can go get your mani/pedi. I'm talking about balanced, non-narcissistic self-love. There are several sayings covering this, so I'll throw a few out there for ya.

If you don't love yourself... how can you love anyone else; how can anyone else love you; how can you find or follow your calling? You can also put the word 'respect' in the place of the word 'love'. Do you do both (love and respect)? Do you do either? If your best friend's spouse treated them the way that you treat yourself, would you advise your friend to leave their spouse?

These are the things I've been dealing with lately. For the moment, they kind of suck. Big fat festering wounds don't heal overnight. They stink, literally. They need antibiotics. They require painfully removing all the nasty infected parts. Then they need to be dressed carefully and changed often to ensure proper healing, otherwise they fester again. I suppose it would be easier to simply put the flap back down and not look at the current mess. However that would stunt my growth and my personal value.

Cause once upon a time, I was cool. I got told so. I choose to believe it, and I choose to make it my reality.

Sometimes You Need The Visual To Tell The Story Properly

So it is, that on Sunday, I start thinking about what I'm going to share with you on Monday. Sometimes the answer is obvious and requires less than a moment's thought, and other times... it seems that I have nothing to share and I start to worry. I don't know why it would ever concern me for one second, being a mother. I mean, ask, and the Universe provides, right? Sometimes it isn't pretty though.

Last night I was on the phone with my wonderful daughter as she was making the final preparations to fly at oh-early-thirty this morning to New Jersey to visit with my aunts. It reminded me of when she was here in March.
However, I know from past experience, both mine and hers, that she will no doubt be spoiled senseless during her visit. Because my aunts are awesome like that. There will be at least one visit to a place that Jos loves, Jekyll & Hyde Club in NYC. Along with other things that she'll tell me about and I'll wish I was doing. But I'm not even jealous, just happy for her, cause what kid doesn't deserve a little spoiling when they get the President's Award and graduate with honors from elementary school?

The only thing that totally sucked rocks, was that I was on the phone with her and she was telling me all about the website for the Jekyll & Hyde Club in NYC when I hear the munchkin playing with the microwave. I jumped up and went down the hall to see thick black smoke billowing from the microwave thanks to this DVD, which the Boo asked me if he could watch, and since it WAS Eddie Murphy Delirious, as opposed to say, Eddie Murphy as Donkey in Shreck, I said no. Boo was incredulous at being told no, and decided that the DVD needed to die a painful death. Luckily he didn't burn the house down, but it did take me almost a full hour to get the inside of the microwave cleaned out so that we could use it without it catching fire or making the food taste like hideously burnt plastic. Thanks kid.

Then, I went to go tweet about it work on the computer which included chatting with my daughter to let her know we were all OK (since I unceremoniously hung up on her when I saw the fire in the microwave) and playing 140 Mafia cause I'm totally a junkie kicking butt on that game. Mainly because I'm mean as hell when I play... I started out being 'pulls the wings off of flies' mean, but over the last 24 hours I've graduated to 'tying bottle rockets to the cat's tail' mean. And I totally needed some of that to let off steam after I realized that the other morning while I was sleeping, and the munchkin was sleeping, Dad left to go help a friend with his car. No biggie, except that he didn't tell me. So the munchkin got up and was roaming free-range for like 45 minutes unsupervised. If he'd played the DVD Crucible then, hubby would have come back to two dead people and no home. I was unwinding on the computer with the door shut cause if the kid had come in at that point, my odds of going to jail were in like the 90th percentile and hubby decided that he was going to unwind from a tough day of playing video games by going in the back to read his stereo mags... again, no warning to me, whatsoever. He straps the turbo-terror-tot into his stroller, (because that's the only way we can leave him in any room by himself unless he's sleeping) gives him a sippy cup and puts on a movie for him to watch before going to the back room to read.

I come out to find my, 'I was bored sitting here all by myself, Mom. But don't worry I found a way to play quietly' munchkin looking up at me. Dad had given him fruit-punch Kool-aid and left the room. Which, as you can see, has a less dangerous, but equally clean-up-nightmare disaster-area results. Luckily for hubby me, hubby realized that he'd made a huge mistake without my having to point it out, so he cleaned up the Boo. By his standards, the living room and stroller were fine, which by the grace of God I found out about later, after I had calmed down from the evening's *festivities*.

And this is why I should never worry about what I'm going to write on Monday.

ps. Yes, hubby and Boo are both still alive.

LMFAO Friday #21

So here I am screwing around on twitter answering a buncha people ~even the famous ones cause they're just people putting it out there too, right? Then the munchkin goes off and I go out to comfort him and find that the hubby has gone to bed. And I'm all, WTF, no g'nite? Except that despite our wonderful midnight pancakes and Potter, we've been kinda warring. Which is reaching a new level of sucky, cause it was just me frustrated with him, but I've been bitchy-distant for several days now, and so now he's getting distant, which really gives me this ookey feeling that I'm not liking one bit, except that he was bugging me so much that I really just wanted him to leave me alone, and I'm getting what I wanted now, so I should shut the hell up and concentrate harder on winning the lotto jackpot and getting my dream house that I found online almost a month ago, but it's still for sale and I've been going through back issues of House Beautiful and picking out furnishings and paint and kitchen stuff for when I remodel the kitchen... And no, I totally haven't had three large glasses of iced tea with sugar in the last 2 hours and I'm not sounding like a crankster even inside my own head.

*breathetogivereaderachancetocatchupeventhoughI'm
havingabout15thoughtsduringthatbreathandIcan'twaittoget
someofitonpaper*

So it is, in all measured calmness and non-caffeinated-Speedy-Gonzalezness that I say, "It's time for LMFAO Friday! Enjoy!!!"

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I see the Easter bunny still visits Hick-town despite being shot at for Sunday dinner last year.




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... and Adams famously quoted, "I'm gonna git you sucka!"




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I see they use Vista too...




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Aww hell, Roscoe, I don't care whatcha say, Little Bo Luke Duke is riding shotgun, and that's that!




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This is what happens when parents don't listen to what they tell their kids...




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Hey, Pete! I'll bet you ten bucks the boss doesn't notice.




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See, just like life; it tells you straight out that it's the wrong bus, but it's still got the door open and is accepting passengers...




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Hey, the kid's just advertising for his mom...




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You want Baby Body Cemetery. It's a common mistake. Go about three miles back the way you came, it'll be on the right...