Apparently When I Leave the House I'm In Colorado

I know about the upcoming full moon, but I'm pretty sure the real problem is that everyone is on dope. Mr. Hand was right.

Yesterday I had to pick up one of the kids at school and people all along the route had gone completely and utterly I swear I am going to wind up in jail behind these people stupid.

First everyone not exaggerating was driving so slowly that we were consistently 8 mph below the speed limit. 

I make a turn by the school and find myself behind an older gentleman what the hell are you doing Grandpa Higgins in a truck who is barely rolling what the hell is he stopped for... in the dead center of the street you are in town around the corner from the school at prime pick up time and I can't even get around your ass... texting faster than I do WTF... in a school zone where are the fucking cops I'd have already been pulled over and ticketed. I'm certain glaucoma medication was involved.

Then I'm going 60 mph on a road out of town slow speed for that stretch of road and a huge brontosaurusmobile welding rig pulls out in front of me and goes 5 mph WTF! Brakes don't fail me now!!! OH Holy Christ on a cracker!  wheew we're not going to die until we're both passed by another car now I can see the road ahead is clear around your brontosaurusmobile. So then I also go to pass because he's still going 5 mph Fucking Seriously Miss Daisy?!? and the jackwagon speeds up to keep me from passing him This motherfucker is trying to kill us! we're almost in the curve now! but I get around him You no account sorry son of a bitch trying to kill us! Don't you see I have a child in the car?! Howd'ja like that birdy, ya bastard! and turns off as I stare incredulously into the rear view mirror immediately. I'm convinced that he too was indulging in herbal remedies.

And finally, to top it off, I come upon a pair of non driving country redneck fucks gentlemen who were performing attempting to perform is more like it a right hand turn sweet Jesus help me he's turning on the street I need to turn on  from the left lane  you are in a short bed pick up not a semi with double trailers, genius going, I kid you not, 2 mph how is he even doing that? My car goes faster if I just take my foot off the brake. He finally; my deceased grandmother drives faster in reverse completes the turn and proceeds along his merry little way totally staring at me the entire time in the side view mirror like he escaped from Deliverance at the self same 2 mph again, seriously, I can't get my car to go slower than 5 mph without breaking down the center taking your half of the road right out of the middle like the little piggie you are of the road which, while a country road, has a lot of traffic and it's not like I don't see you seeing me in the rear view mirror which is so super creepy that I'm pretty sure you're a serial killer. In fact, you look like Ted Bundy. Plus there is traffic coming towards us so I can't tell if your homicidal or suicidal because of the hour. We finally get past Ted Bundy's copycat killer. Pretty. Damn. Sure. this guy and decide that he must need some antipsychotic drugs with those crazy eyes be a stoned serial killer.

The rest of the trip was uneventful Thank GOD! How much more can one woman take in a single trip? Now I want to get stoned.

We finally make it home and my Honey asks, "How was the drive?"

My first thought was, "Everyone on the road is stoned out of their fucking minds, and I faced a serial killer!"  But he's been telling me lately to tune it down on the drama which makes me envision shanking him in his face. Allegedly.

So I simply replied, "It was normal for this time of year. in Colorado maybe!"

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The Box of Miracles- Day Eight

Let me tell you a little story about a woman from New Jersey.

She got married out of nursing school to her high school sweetheart, had two children, and acquired a house with property and relationship misery that resulted in divorce when her children were six and three years old. She'd grown heavier, and newly single, she began to experiment with dieting.

She tried them all; Weight Watchers, Lean Line, Overeaters Anonymous, Optifast, among multiple others. She would last a few months or a year or so and not get the results she wanted or would stray because they were difficult with her single mom life.

The house revolved around these diet and nutrition changes.

Year after year it went this way. The woman's sister also battling with her weight. Sometimes they'd go on the same diets. Then both sisters' children grew up and they too had weight issues. The children started going on the same diet programs; they commiserated as cousins the failures and successes they were having.

And collectively, they all gained and lost many, many times. They stopped telling each other about their diet programs. While they all perpetually dieted and fell-off diets, none of them found something new to share. The results were always the same, after water-weight loss, the scale moved at a glacial pace and they were exhausted and sick to death of whatever they'd been eating. They were basically all a waste of time and money, but hey as long as they were dieting, there was always the hope that the miracle would be found. Even surgery wasn't the miracle. Talk about a let-down!

Fast-forward to early 2015.

Karen, one of the cousins, started a new program. She heard about it from her friend Denise. They had been co-warriors in their respective battles of the bulge for many years. Denise was getting jaw-dropping results. Very, very quickly. Karen bit. Karen started to get jaw-dropping results too! Also very, very quickly. She told me about her success months ago.

I was hooked! I wanted in! Now!

*SUPERLOUDSCREECHOFTRUCKTIRESBREAKING*

It's how much? HOW MUCH?!?

I won't tell you what I said, but I will say that it involved the services of both a masseuse and a gigolo.

So I sat by the sidelines; watching, waiting...trolling Karen and Denise on Facebook, drooling over their photos.

And I knew how to get there, but I had other financial commitments! I have kids and a house and a car and phones and...

Just. Like. Everyone. Else.

The first time buy in for the package I needed was a full paycheck (if I didn't have deductions and did have overtime). Yeah, every month after that would be less, but that first chunk was hard to wrap my head and my wallet around.

NOT HAPPENING. TOO MUCH. CAN'T DO IT.

But the program and its promises, the visible results from Karen and Denise haunted me. I saved up. And I started showing My Man the posts. And we got excited together and talked about doing the program the way people talk about what they would do if they hit the lottery.

Labor day weekend done, I return to work to find I no longer had a job. I filed for unemployment and was awarded less than half of my net income for a 40 hour week.

Now we're REALLY broke.

We find out there's a business side to the program.

Denise works the full time business side of the program. She announced on Facebook that she had replaced her corporate salary where she was employed for 20 years--I don't know the math, but living in Texas is a lot less expensive than living in New Jersey.

The dollar signs flashed in my head.

We did more research, and the business side of the company has created 136 millionaires in 13 years. I like those odds! People are becoming millionaires by doing something that is good for them, feeling better, gaining lean muscle mass, dropping inches, erasing wrinkles...and simply telling other people what it has done for them...BECAUSE THE PRODUCT WORKS. It DOES all of that, and more. Everyone has their own transformation story.

Now, I'm not just buying into a "weight loss program" but a business which has as much income potential as I give it, because all I would have to do is tell people the truth about what it has done for me and people that I personally know. I would help people achieve concrete change in their bodies and anyone that does the program can get paid to do it... by a reputable company.

I drank the Kool-aid.

We finally managed a way to order the program. Secure in the fact that it came with a 30 day money back guarantee (because I was still jaded and wanted a way out in case it didn't work for me like it did for Karen and Denise). I started the program on October 16, 2015.

Today is my first measure milestone--Day Eight. I have been on the program for seven full days and I have lost 23.75 inches. I have energy. My skin is glowing. I'm thinking more clearly. Every inch of my body inside and out is improving because I'm doing this.

Every failed dieter mantra that I have heard in my own head over my 36 years of dieting is evaporating in the glow of concrete results.

Everywhere I go people that recognize me are asking me what I'm doing.

I still have two and a half weeks to go before my 30 day money back guarantee expires...

THEY CANNOT HAVE MY BOX OF MIRACLES BACK!!!

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Back By Popular Demand (yeah, I know, I don't believe it either)

So, here I've been, living a quiet life in the country. 

Staying busy with work and home and kids, staying off of Facebook (other than sharing memes), returning the satellite, and kissing the internet goodbye (other than my cell phone)...

Unplugged.

Paying attention to real life and real people.

Working.

All with, to, for, by, and about people that didn't even know I wrote...well anything other than warranty submission stories. When I would tell them that I had a defunct blog it was like I was talking about someone else.

Nobody in real life cared, and I was too tired to consider spending time on something as frivolous as a blog.

One day, *poof* job is gone.

So, I started a home business with complete approval of my man otherwise he would have killed me about eight ways and buried me in several undisclosed locations. Allegedly. where I get to help people with an amazing product that CHANGES LIVES! Truly. Including my own! 

I started a home business; now I have to do network marketing.

So I got back on Facebook.

And I started reconnecting with people that have known me for so long that they knew me under other names. 

Now for some insane, unfathomable, you've got to be fucking kidding me reason, the Universe has decided it's time to resuscitate my deader than Hillary Clinton's scruples defunct blog.

But I am hugely flattered that I recently have had more people ask me about this blog and my writing, or tell me that I need to breathe life back into that which I had given up for dead.

I don't know why. The Bloggess herself, the NY Times Best Selling Author of Furiously Happy, Jenny Lawson used to read my blog.True Story.

So here you are, my fans Jesus Aria, you sound like a total douchebag. I pray that I do your exalted you're hallucinating! are you on fucking LSD? memory of my prior work justice.

For better or worse, over two years later, I'm back.

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