And yet, with sis-n-law G, down visiting on some ugly family business, I was quick to say, "yes" when she asked me if she could use my beloved 'puter to check some email, account balances and finish the absolute-last-assignment for her college career to be over. I mean, c'mon, who wouldn't say yes to that?
I did. "Sure, G, come on, no problem!" I said enthusiastically, and with honest sincerity. Then my ego kicked in. And the longer it took, the more my brain said "Hurry Up! What is taking you so long?" Until it was finally screaming inside my head with the shrill loudness of a vexed banshee..."MINE!!! MINE!!! GET THE HELL DONE WITH YOUR CRAP AND GIVE ME BACK MY COMPUTER!!! IT MISSES ME AND I MISS IT, AND YOU HAVING YOUR GRUBBY LITTLE HANDS ON MY KEYBOARD IS LIKE WATCHING A DRUNKEN WOMAN FONDLE MY HUSBAND'S CROTCH!!! HURRY UP AND FINISH FOR PETE'S SAKE!!! ARE YOU DONE YET?!?!? MINE, MINE!!!"
Of course her hands weren't grubby at all, and she wasn't in any way being disrespectful of my 'puter, nor was she taking an exorbitant amount of time to do what she needed to get done... It was all me and my two-year-old inner child shrieking, "mine!" like any two-year-old does; even when it's holding something that is most definitely not theirs... irrationally hoarding the item as if they were a starving person in a lifeboat with other starving people and they just found a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup in the pocket of their life vest.
Two-year-olds also say, "NO!" when the answer is most obviously, "yes" like when you ask them if they want more milk... I had done the same thing in reverse, saying, "yes" when the real-me, my two-year-old self was saying, "No". Personally, I thought my inner child was much older than that. I was wrong.
Being a parent for over 10 years, my ability to give away, to my children at first, and then to others, things that I think I want has been honed to a level that is almost on par with breathing or blinking. I'm not totally out of balance, either. I have my one or two things that I'm selfish about... like watching Grey's Anatomy (don't call, don't write, don't show up, you will NOT get a hold of me when that show is on)... aside from that, I'll give most people anything that will not effect the care and well being of my children, and maybe my husband. I don't need a whole lot.
My inner-self throwing a balls-out-throw-down-temper-tantrum in my head as I worked with utmost concentration to keep the smile on my face came as a surprise to me. As we're chatting, I'm struggling with fever-pitch-jealousy because she was in my chair, and all I could manage to think was, "quit talking and pay attention to what you're doing, hurry up! Hurry UP!"
I'm starting to think that I'm going to have to go over to Craig's List and find a little cheapo used computer, just to have it on hand in case I come across this situation again. Kind of like inner-turmoil-badly-behaved-ego insurance. If my ego were a flesh-and-blood child, it would have gotten a spanking AND a time-out for the size and severity of the hissy-fit that it threw. Does anyone know how to do that; give your inner-child a good swat on the rump?
In the meantime, while I figure out how to shut-myself-up while G is here and I only have one computer and I will continue to let her check her email and accounts while she's here, I'm going to have to spend some serious time in front of the mirror... Looking at and re-shaping my inner self...and practicing my best I-got-botox-and-lost-all-expressiveness-in-my-face face.