Crap-Wrap Christmas

And so my dear readers, we come to Monday on Christmas week. Aack! The shopping is done after braving the insanity on steroids that is the 'last shopping weekend before Christmas'.

Now comes the wrapping... and the hope beyond hope that you have gotten enough gift-wrap, bows, ribbons, name tags, and tape to get it all done without having to steel yourself against the brutal cold that's wracking the country today, not to mention the what-the-hell-are-all-these-people-doing-in-the-stores-don't-they-know-it's-a-weekday crowds. They, like you, are picking up the last odds and ends... as well as the last decent roll of gift wrap. So now you're stuck with that super-cheap-crap-paper. The kind that has ugly pics of Santa and snowmen in horrible, flat, off-red and strange-blue colors, and none of the ink matches up so the edges of the images are all blurry... and it's totally see-through anyway, so you have to double or triple wrap the gift or what's the point? And when you figure in all the extra paper and the frustration of triple wrapping, that cheap ass paper isn't so cheap after all.

And how are you supposed to get great pics of the kiddies unwrapping their gifties when they take one look at those Chucky-like reindeer on your crap-wrap and start crying. If you think about it, is pretty impressive, that they've managed to make Santa and snowmen menacing. Those graphic designers should be showcased on the Christmas Edition of How Do They Do That?

You also had to pull diversionary-military-tactical-maneuvers to get the last bag of smashed up off-color bows that match the off-color crap-wrap. The ones that are so mashed up and hideous looking (especially when you consider that they're ribbon), that the stores don't even dare put them out until they are absolutely checked-the-basement-and-the-rafters-and-every-square-millimeter-of-the-loading-dock sure that they are out of every other type of ribbon.

And God help you if you run out of tape this week. You may, might, pray-hope-pray, find some duck tape left at the little hole-in-the-wall drugstore downtown~ the one Walmart has all but forced to close down... they have some supplies left from 1954. They have tape!!! It's about a pen-width wide and is so old that it's yellow... really yellow, like change the color of the wrapping paper yellow. The stickiness is a crap shoot, but hey, you've got tape.

So, last minute wrappers... if these are your options...

...Wrap your gifts in newspaper, it's cheaper, thicker, and the kiddies might actually learn something other than how to bling their facebook page... maybe.

...And as far as the questionable tape, use staples... so what if there's a cashmere sweater inside... staples leave clean holes, semi-sticky tape can become the bane of your wrapping existence.

For the recipients of such crap-wrapped presents, show some mercy for your crap-wrappees. They feel badly that their presents don't look like they should be placed anywhere near your shiny-foil-custom-name-tagged-Martha-Stewart-looking-perfect packages. It's not necessarily mean to tuck the crap-wrap presents behind the pretty ones... Unless you roll your eyes and sigh loudly as you put them as far back as humanly possible so they are thoroughly hidden until said gift exchange, and when you take said crap-wrapped gift from the distributing party, you don't act as though you've been asked to hold a tarantula that's been dipped in cow shit. Then, it's perfectly ok to tuck those presents toward the back...

So, Merry Christmas Y'all! And remember, when you're driving to Aunt Sherry's house that the driver in front of you is as big an asshole driver as the driver behind you thinks you are... so better late than dead.

Drive Safely and Happy Holidays Y'all!