Excuse Me Father, Have You Seen My Habit

Image by SEOULMAN66 via FlickrWell, I've been living something of a monastic lifestyle these past weeks.

I quit smoking... yes again... and by the Grace of God for the last damn time.

I gave up soft drinks and mix-sweet drinks for bottled water.

I eat quite sparingly and started exercising; at this rate I'll be bikini ready by labor day... ok, for reals, Halloween.

And last night my job was so So SO frustrating to me that I all but flipped the bird at the camera and walked out... which, of course, I didn't do because I enjoy the finer things in life... like a roof over my head and the ability to wash clothes with soap.

But I came home in this funk... this kinda pissy, quick-witted, snapperish, funk.

So when I woke up with it as well... exacerbated by a phone call from child support trying to get more money that I don't have and don't know how to make... yeah, it was time to get off my dead ass and go back to church... for like the third or fourth time this week.

Cause this week's been pretty sucky... emotionally, mentally, psychically, situationally...

And I started back to school yesterday. After a huge long leave of absence that I took when the computer died.

So when I was in church this morning and God told me not to get on facebook or yahoo chat today, in fact not speak to or text anyone other than my one friend who is going through it due to a death in the family, I of course said  OUCH  Yessir. I knew it was a sacrifice of one day that I had to give God.

So I'm sitting in quiet meditation and cooking quasi-real food for the first time in weeks and this post and my school website are the only places I've actively gone to on the web (yahoo homepage doesn't count!).

And I know that this break from the world will help me... recharge my batteries, reset my priorities, clean my spirit, and increase my glow.

And just like quitting smoking, I'm in full blown day one withdrawals. *eyetwitch* I'm ITCHING to goto chat! I remembered three songs I wanted to look up on YouTube,*eyetwitch*  I know certain friends have posted on facebook and I'm fidgeting with anticipation, and to top it off, I promised someone last night that I would call today.*eyetwitch*

But all these things will be there tomorrow... or they will not. And either way, I promised God and He will work it out for my benefit. I simply have to get through the DT's. *eyetwitch*

I'm going to go lie down for a few before I come back to my schoolwork...

OMFG, I can't even go on facebook to make sure that networked blogs picks this up and posts it!

*groankillmenowgroan*

God owes me... this is worse than quittin' cigs....

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Impasse

Image by Guerito via FlickrI found myself in a precarious position this morning.

Then my angels showed me a vision, and I knew I was at an impasse.

I could either take the path to my right, which appeared clean and neat and pulled together. The concrete was solid, the path was lined with shiny store-bought things. It was easily traveled, and appeared to be a safe, well cared for route.

Then there was the path to my left which looked untended. The grey cobblestones missing in places, and the vines and trees grown wild and unruly on the sides. I knew if I took this path, I'd have to watch and take each step carefully. Not many had traveled here because of the way it seemed to be; forgotten and unkempt. And in the situation of it, this path seemed cold and unwelcoming.

Instinctively, I knew that the path to the right, although it appeared easier... led to a dead end.

Whereas, the path to the left would lead to the castle... the dream of the desired outcome.

And I chose the left path.

And in so doing, the path reached up to greet me and make my way easier than it had appeared.

I knew without doubt or fail that the path on the right would have been a struggle and a fight no matter how easy it appeared. I had actually been on that path in my long ago past and was grateful to not have to repeat that journey.

I am happy, and once again sure of my direction.  The path is actually quite easy despite looking difficult, because it is the correct one. And instinctively, I knew I wanted the overgrown path no matter what it seemed like.

This all happened in the span of a moment.

In retrospect it was the road less traveled, the one that will bring the true reward. In retrospect, it was a choice that only wisdom would bring me to.... and I am grateful.

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Serial Teddy Holder

So I was over on facebook *shocker* when I saw this pic from All Posters and it got me to thinking.

First of all, everyone needs someone to hold onto even if it is only once in a while.

Secondly, as adults, we tend to eschew teddy bears for the live version and call them boyfriends or girlfriends or spouses or kids.

But when do you become a serial-holder?  A so-called teddy junkie.

I guess it's when you bounce from one teddy to the next without taking time to hug yourself.

But how many people out there take the time to hug themselves? Most that I've known, including myself, have gone from one teddy to the next; sometimes quite rapidly...


So I wonder if any of us are capable of laying down our teddies.

When I fought with my ex-husband I had girlfriends I could hold on to. When I got single, I found another man to hold on to. When neither man nor friends were available I have held onto God.

I'm starting to think we all hold something; people, hobbies, money, habits, an online existence... something that, if lost, would make it difficult for us to cope with having to live our lives.

Even when it hasn't appeared so, there is something in the situation that will qualify it as a quick bounce. A person quits living with one person and moves in with another is an obvious one. Someone quits smoking only to start exercising compulsively is considered a healthy one. Someone swears off television but starts spending hours on the computer playing online games. One teddy substituting for another teddy.

I don't know of anyone who doesn't fit this pattern of holding and substitution. Some are less obvious, but are teddies nonetheless. Breakup of a marriage and a guy restores a vintage vehicle while the woman takes up running. Teddy substitutes for the spouse they no longer have.

So, is the human race simply a collection of serial teddy holders?

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Electronic Conspiracy (yes I am loosing my mind, thank you so very much for asking)

Image by ComputerMonger via Flickr
I've been away a long time. Turns out Best Buy finally confirmed what I had long suspected... my shiny, honey colored, beautiful, beloved computer... my Juliet... was a lemon.

Thanks to Tex-ex's neurotic need to have the most Gucci of service warranties on all electronics purchases, I now have a new computer.

I'm grateful.

At least that's what I'm telling myself everytime I want to pitch this *tantrum voice* You-are-not-Juliet! computer into a wall.

Like when I goto log onto firefox, and the background is black with black font and I can't do a fucking thing. Or when I pull up the right click menu in firefox and that is white background on white font and the only thing I can do is shut it down and I have to open the windows task manager to do that cause I cannot find where to confirm the close cause the font is the same color as the background in the confirmation box that pops up....

Mind you this is after it works fine all night and I turn off the computer and come back in the morning to what is essentially a dead program since I cannot read anything on the screen.

Are ya gettin the visual of me loosin my everloving mind? As I uninstall firefox, clear the cache and SSL slate and start over with an entirely new install of firefox... replete with the xmarks and last pass add ons because I have years of saved shit on there that I cannot get into without these programs.

Yeah, you got it.... Fucking nightmare... over and over and over and over for two weeks plus.

But I'm not bitter. Noooooo blatant sarcasm. I just miss my gorgeous little dysfunctional lemon Juliet.

I miss her. With all her eccentricities and delicate constitution, I knew how to work her. I understood her programs. I knew what files were where, and most of all, I was fully cognizant and willing to work around her problems... cause I loved her.


I brought her in to be fixed, and essentially gave Best Buy the license to perform euthanasia.

And because electronics have a hidden message system whereby they talk to each other and exact revenge upon a person for mistreatment of one electronic device by the refusal to work by another electronic device, I have been targeted as enemy numero uno.

How shall I put it? The dryers at the laundromat have gone renegade and have all turned against me. And all is not a euphemism. Every single dryer I put my clothes into stops working.

I even fought with the manager the other morning, which really isn't my style anymore, but I kinda snapped because for the third visit in a row, the dryers have sucked up my quarters like starving Lestat on a morally corrupt person and spit me out much time and money poorer.

$5, in 5 dryers on three separate visits.

I was round the bloody bend.

And we all know shit rolls downhill, so I went rounds with the manager. Who finally, albeit reluctantly, reimbursed me for SEVENTY FIVE CENTS (not $5!) and made sure the dryer was working. Then he left and went back to the quickie mart next door.

25 minutes later while the dryer is still spinning, I check on it and IT'S COLD and *Gomer Pyle voice* suuu-prihze suuu-prihze suuu-prihze... not drying.

Shocker. Except to me. I told you these fucking dryers are conspiring and have decided that I am not worthy of heat or dry clothes or whatever, because I put Juliet to death. What I knew was; I was not about to pay to go home with wet clothes.. again.

So I went and got mister manager for the second time that hour, who now with a magnanimous change of heart *coughbitemejackwagoncough* because that dryer was not hot; the dryer that HE set and HE turned on and HE verified 25 minutes earlier as working after he put SEVENTY FIVE CENTS (not $5!) into the cursed, wretched, beast; so he chose another dryer for me, we swapped the clothes over and he fed the ravenous metal beast another three quarters.

Duh. I just enjoy arguing with people so veryveryvery much that I felt the urge to fabricate the quarter eating story about his precious dryers.

In my less enlightened state I mighta winged the roll of quarters at his head when he turned to walk away... Allegedly.

But I don't have time for jail or court, because, as it stands, I still need to find a copy of microsoft office 2007 or higher to install on my *tantrum voice* You-are-not-Juliet! computer so I can start back to school on the 25th. And I don't know what happened to my zemanta add on for this blog either, nor can I seem to find it. (ok, just found THAT one missing piece outta 1000!)

My sister would call it transition.

I call it a pain in the ass that I still have the presence of mind to be grateful for.

*screws on my Barbie smile and looks at Ken for confirmation*

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