I Blame the Garden Gnomes

Image via WikipediaI think garden gnomes are beating me up in my sleep.

Nothing else makes sense.

How in the hell did I bruise my foot while I attained my less than 4 hours of sleep last night? It's on the side of the heel back behind the instep, below the ankle.

Whaaaat thaaaa....???

I don't have a bed, so I didn't slam it on a bedpost. I don't sleep next to the wall, so I probably couldn't have done it that way... besides, I think that would have hurt enough to wake me up.

But garden gnomes... yeah, those little bastards are crafty and malicious enough to do something like this.

They know how to be silent and stealthy.

And, they are always posed holding something that looks like it can take out your knees in one blow.


They can return to their daytime poses deftly with hardly a thought; no human the wiser.

But I know.

Truth is, those crafty little buggers are jealous of our height and just itching with their wrinkled-faced-odd-nosed selves to get even.

They're responsible for all manner of quirky unknowns in the human world:


How come only one sock of the pair came out of the dryer?

Garden gnomes.

Where'd that pen go? It was just here!

Garden gnomes.

How the hell did my cell phone bill get so high? I live alone, don't have teen-agers, and really don't remember calling Germany at 3am on what appears to be a Tuesday...

Garden gnomes.

The unexplainable bruise on the weird spot on my heel that seems very unnaturally attainable because of it's odd location...

Garden gnomes.


They're the cosa nostra of weird WTF's. It's a complete network that spans the globe... except for Japan, I don't think they've infiltrated Japan yet because of the Yakuza.

And don't be fooled into thinking you own a garden gnome (or 6). No, you harbor them, and deserve jail time under the RICO law guidelines.

Behind those wry little smiles and sometimes scary European countenances, they're conspiring their next plot and laughing at you. Those wee, glassy-eyed fugitives from accountability.

One day it will happen to you.

So mark my words: Garden gnomes.

Because once you become the victim of their shenanigans, you will remember reading this and I won't seem quite so crazy.

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Damn

Image via WikipediaUggg.

This week I am once again training in receiving at work.

I like this department even though receiving is early morning shift.

There's a fair bit of freedom that I enjoyed when I originally trained for it a while back... before they sold the store and learning the old system made no sense anymore.

Small problem... I've been on swings for so long now, that I cannot fall asleep.

I have lain in the not really a bed for two hours... unexpected texts and phone calls not withstanding.

I have tried to meditate, done reiki and gotten as comfortable as the floor can be comfortable...

I even got up early this morning despite going to bed very late last night in anticipation of needing to be asleep early tonight.

I haven't had caffeine since noonish.

Nothing is working.

I'm awake.

Like bing-bing-bing friggin Ricochet Rabbit awake.

I have to learn how to input UPC codes and scan incoming inventory from multiple vendors among other things for 8 hours not including lunch break... and then I have to do laundry at the laundromat and read at least two chapters for school tomorrow night...

And no, can't do it tonight cause the laundromat is closed and the words of my psych chapters are all just swimming on the page... see, I tried.

Coffee is going to have it's work cut out for it in the morning. I'm gonna be so bleary-eyed I'll be lucky to not miss the toilet.

Coffee's gonna have to get me through the first five hours before I can come home and drink more to get me through the rest.

Thank God it adds IQ points, because with the amount I'll lose in the sleep deprivation, I might, MIGHT, break even... maybe.

Then again, maybe with enough coffee, I'll have a surplus of IQ points...

I'll just have to prove my brilliance from the bathroom.

Guess that beats falling asleep on the loaves of pillowy looking bread when that's delivered.

And to top it off, receiving is going to be HOT (which will make me more sleepy), cause South Texas has been so hot, the native Texans are commenting... and that's just one of the joys of living in this muggy hell-hole... along with bugs the size of Cadillacs.

I think maybe it's just possible I'm getting a little sleep-deprived bitchy.

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Sometimes You Have to Duke it Out With Yourself

Image by nogoodreason via FlickrOh the conflict raging through my head this morning.

Thought it was absolutely going to break me.

The mud... the dank foul mud of my mind... both sides of my wants and needs sparring it out with nuclear warheads of rationality and emotion.

Couldn't seem to find clarity to save myself.

Tears...pain...prayers...and more cigarettes than one person should consume in a week, let alone a morning...

I called in for outside refereeing and got only the help of verbalizing what was tangled up in my skull... the logical aspects of the situation with which I was wrestling, and the emotional doubts and fears that were being hurled back and forth.

And then my ref's cell service broke up.

Cause sometimes God wants it that way... so the decision is your own and not a byproduct of suggestion by another.

A few hours later, in one deft strike of unequivocal clarity... it was over.

I am once again sure of my path.

I was on it all along, I just needed to be reminded why it was the right one.

Cause that 'grass is always greener' stuff is some tricky optical illusion shit.

And to quote a very wise woman: "Sometimes the potholes look like sinkholes, but they really aren't unless you make them so."

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My Version of Braveheart

Image via WikipediaMiracles never cease.

I left the California-ex (Josie's dad) over five years ago.

Shortly thereafter, I met Tex-ex, moved to Texas and found out I was pregnant with our son.

All these many years later, I decided back in February that I was going to get my divorce finalized this summer come hell or high water.

Last night, out of the blue, Cali-ex calls me up and wants to finalize the divorce.

I'm so happy I can't stop smiling, bouncing around... loving the life God has bestowed upon me...

In just a little bit of awe and amazement.

I stand tall, face painted and shout a-la William Wallace:

FRREEEEEEEEEDDOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM!!!

Finally... graced with this ending and the new beginnings it signifies.

And then God did something else... He picked me up again.

For those brief moments, sitting in His hand once again... I saw and understood it all one more time.

A reminder of when I sat in His hand while I was begging Him to let me leave Cali-ex.

An affirmation that I am in His grace always, and a reminder of why I was shown in the first place...

Thing about sitting in God's hand; you understand everything.... everything about how the world works and the why... from personal and global relationships to how photosynthesis works. And then He puts you down, and you promptly forget, because such understanding is reserved for God alone; but the experience changes you forever.

And last night, God gave me a much shorter sit... a reminder of that, a confirmation of my path, my purpose, my direction.

Amen and Hallelujah... and Freedom.

...and the happy dance!

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Scheduling

Image via WikipediaSometimes, it simply comes down to a matter of scheduling.

In case you're new, scheduling is not in any way shape or form my forte' and can only be done with mediocre aptitude under penalty of death or exorbitant payout my strong point.

If I look at the entire work schedule for all the employees at my job for a week, my head swims.

And it's put together by a guy who manages to stay under payroll budget while being fair about hours to 24 people and honoring requests for days off Every Week... and the job of scheduling is basically a footnote in his job description.

I have trouble managing to complete a total of 2 checkpoints, 4 discussion questions, and 8 replies to classmates over the course of a 7 day week.

Not because the work is difficult...because I suck that much at scheduling.

Add in daily existence needs like showering, feeding myself, doing housework and going to the laundromat every two days for clean work clothes... or the want-to's like making time for my kids, or my boyfriend, or anyone that is not a customer in my work life, and I'm pretty much a scheduling time bomb with a lit fuse.

Something is going to be forgotten or suffer the consequences of my ineptitude.

People that manage to create a schedule and stick to it with any regularity amaze and astound me... like an exhibit at the zoo or a P.T. Barnum spectacle-spectacular.

I mean, I can do it too, but only, maybe, kinda-sorta, once a week... possibly... probably closer to never once a month.

I don't even own a calendar except for the one that's built into my cellphone.

Oh wait, my computer has one too, I just never remember to look at it.

If it weren't for work, birthdays, and holidays, I'd have no idea what day it was... ever. It's not like I watch TV other than a movie here and there anymore.

No more Matt, Meredith, Ann, and Al informing me of the day and date.

Glee is available for internet viewing when I need a gleek junkie fix to catch up because I cannot manage to even catch the show on television even when I'm not working...

The only problem with viewing back episodes, or anything that does not consist of going to work in order to make money and pay bills, is finding the time... cause I have none... because I can't schedule worth a damn.

Are ya seein' the pattern here?


Maybe I should take a workshop another in a long list of many, many attempts at getting a handle on this crippling defect in my personality on time management.

I'll put it on the non-existent schedule.

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