What's not to love?
I was living in tight quarters with a man I was constantly at war with, a child who was completely out of control because he's psychic as hell and was living in a war zone, no job, no friends, and a desperate need to not put a gun in my mouth.
School seemed like a productive escape from all of it, with the possibility at the end to rise above where I had been in my professional life.
And I was good at it...
Well, as good as a person in extreme stress can be when they add more stress to their life...
But I racked-up a GPA of 9.96 without really trying.
I managed to get the assignments in on time and just write in my normal fashion for the rest of it. Although, I'd start my 100 point, 1500 word, Sunday assignments on Sunday morning with my coffee and stress everyone else out because I waited till the last moment (what can I say, not my finest set of hours).
A's... even in Critical Thinking... and I was calling my academic advisor scared that I was tanking the class (to which she laughed, and asked if I currently had a B).
I made plans and set goals to have my Master's by the time I turned 45 and be a hospital administrator until I retired.
Then my life blew up, and somehow, by the Grace of God, I passed Pathology without a final. Then the next round of classes came up and... I got through them, but not well.
I was living in my car without electricity and working around the library's schedule for internet access. It was something to maintain my focus, and again, keep me from going completely kazoo. It gave me an obligation, and I needed it, so I muddled through.
I absolutely detested my Management of Information Systems class. The reading would put an insomniac to sleep in 12.2 seconds, and I don't care the least little bit about the intricacies of IT an how it relates to a business structure. I passed (surprising me fully with a C-) but by now my GPA was down to 3.39.
Then I started this block. And I decided that GPA didn't matter, I wasn't going to stress myself out anymore about school and rocking awesome grades like my sister who is milliseconds away from obtaining her bachelors degree with a sterling GPA and recognition from the college and it's faculty members alike.
I just wanted to get through it... get my AA and see where I stood from there.
But I don't have a miserable life anymore. I have a nice place to live, a job I enjoy, friends to visit, the possibility of love out there somewhere, a son that's become even more incredible and amazing and a real pleasure to be around since he's not living in a war zone, a daughter who is a few months from 13 and needs more time input from her Mom, and Joy, and God, and a healthy relationship with myself.
And my classes are Algebra and Insurance Claims Forms Billing I.
Algebra, no problem, I can breeze through that if I want to... problem is, I haven't wanted to.
And Insurance Claims...? That personifies what I find wrong with most of the medical profession in a big fat billion-dollar nutshell. And it's easy, but I hate it for it's implications on the world that this American lives in.
So I completely rocked week one, and have been checking in ever since, only making the attendance requirement. Still enrolled, but not actively participating.
Or giving a damn, for that matter.
And I woke up this morning because this was the planned day to get my scholastic self together and get back to it; to somehow salvage this week of grades, and do enough to pass the classes and move on.
Except, I realized something: the only thing left in my life that was really making me miserable was school.
The only class that I actually enjoyed, the entire time I've been doing this...even when I was getting straight A's, was World Religions.
I don't enjoy school, and what's more, I hate Healthcare. It's a mess of bureaucratic bullshit that has the temerity to call itself helping people, when what it really does is give the barest essentials of help to real people, for a staggering amount of money that winds up breaking the financial lives of anyone that truly needs help.
Don't get me wrong, some of the doctors and nurses are still good people with a real desire to help others.
But, most of the tech's in the offices just wanted to stop working as cashiers and make more than minimum wage, and only focus on showing up, to make their paychecks, not on the patients as people.
And, the system of it, is a greedy corporate machine and it makes me want to spew obscenities and hurl things with great force.
I have no desire or passion to be in that. Unlike my multi-degree'd sister, who feels like she finally found her calling, and her degrees are a means to an end of doing exactly what she loves doing.
Conversely, the more I learn about the intricacies of medicine and health care, the more infuriated I become at the system.
And I know the saying about keeping your enemies close, but it's just not working for me.
So I'm having a crisis of education. And I'm in turmoil about it. And I just want it to be over, but I'm not sure I have the will to plow through to the end.
Prayers are appreciated... Pray that I get this crisis of education figured out before it breaks me. Because it is either going to break me financially, mentally, or in the area of self-esteem depending on whether I stay or go.
And right now, I'm so on-the-fence, that my butt hurts.